A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've never been with a girl, but I've always been more attracted to girls than to boys. Also I've never had strong feelings for anyone but for this girl.I met her two years ago and I started having feelings for her short after we met. We're close friends and go out with the same group. She's totally LGTB friendly, but she's straight and I'm sure I have zero possibilities, so in the last months I've tried to get appart from those feelings and just focus on our friendship. However, it's really hard some days and it's affecting me a lot emotionally. For example, when she tells me about her relationships or her problems with other guys or when I'm being super nice to her (because I want to) and she appreciates it, but doesn't give me the attention I need (of course, because she's just acting as a friend).She notices when I'm weird and I just say everything is okay, that I'm stressed for X or whatever. However, some days are so hard for me that I wonder if it would be better just to tell her, even though I already know the answer.I think telling her would help me to get over it, but I don't know how much it would affect to our friendship. Is it worth taking the risk?I've already checked other websites about this topic and one the most common advices is to get distanced from this person. That's not an option for me because, as I've said, we have the same group of friends and, although we don't meet every day, we do meet every week and that's not going to change.As getting over these feelings is something I have to do myself, I don't know to what extent is fair to tell her: am I being selfish and just want to tell her to feel relieved or would it really be helpful for me to move on?Also I've never mentioned anything about being attracted to girls, so I guess it would be totally unexpected. I'm reallly confused, what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): If you told her, and you know she's straight, what's the point? All you can expect is awkwardness, and rejection in return. Then you've created an atmosphere of tension and discomfort; leaving it on her to figure-out a way to politely decline your unsolicited-advances without hurting your feelings. Forcing her to tell you she doesn't feel that way about you WILL hurt your feelings! That is quite unfair to her; and a self-inflicted wound to yourself-esteem!
It's as bad as straight-people insisting that you try being straight; knowing you're gay! It's worse when they persist and coerce you to try! Making the argument that if you've never tried it, how would you know you're not attracted to the opposite-sex? When parents force their teens into reparative therapy to reprogram their undesired "confused" sexual-orientation.
I am gay. Now let me advise you from a gay-perspective. You can say you're not gay for the sake of argument, or not yet sure. If you are sexually-attracted to the same-sex, that is homosexual-attraction. Period! You can be sexually-attracted to both males or females...but the attraction to other females is homosexual-attraction. That being said, it serves no purpose to make others uncomfortable about feelings you have towards them that they cannot reciprocate. Just like if some guy was really hot for you, but you didn't feel the same in return; yet he insists on flirting with you. It would be a total turnoff if he insisted on pursuing his feelings and attraction for you. The last thing you'd want to hear from him is how much he wants to be with you; and how he is attracted to you. Placing you in the position of having to fend-off his advances. You can hide behind subtlety and try to be sneaky about it...but a pass is a pass! An unwanted-pass is offensive and disarming! Even if in your mind, you may think it should be flattering! From that point on, she has to be on her guard. Careful not to drink too much around you, or start avoiding you.
Gay-people becoming aware of their same-sex attraction, most commonly become attracted to friends or acquaintances of the same-sex. Those powerful feelings have to be expressed and focused somewhere. You find a trigger, and you fixate. Sometimes suppressing and hiding those feelings becomes too difficult. Friends are usually targeted, due to their close-proximity. There is mutual-affection that is already established and actively in-effect; not to mention the sheer convenience of easy-access. It's simply fishing in a barrel. They're there, so make your move!
We've received countless posts from infatuated gay-people (or those not yet affirmed) who want to openly proclaim their feelings for their straight best-friends; essentially exploiting the fact their friends are "gay-friendly"...assuming that makes them pliable, if you work on them hard enough. Presumably they're teetering on the fence, closeted, or gay-curious. Forcing a friend into a corner; and placing them in the awkward-position of either hurting your feelings with rejection, or abruptly ending the friendship. All because they no longer feel comfortable. Often people shun gay-friendships fearing they'd be hit-on! That's what it is when you make a move like telling them you're attracted to them. They shouldn't have to remind you they are heterosexual!
The "kamikaze-approach" of an outburst or imposing your homosexual-feelings onto straight-people (or anybody); because you can't control yourself, is selfish and reckless...if not dangerous, or criminal in some situations! To place yourself in the position of knowing you will be rejected; is not only selfish, it is a way of emotionally black-mailing a friend. "If you really cared for me, you'd care for me the way I want you to...even if you can't!"
You can't help how you feel, but you can control your behavior; and subdue inappropriate feelings. You can't always have what you think you want! Pushing your gay-feelings onto a straight-friend is unnecessary and pointless. "I'm attracted to you...there I said it!" Well, it might give you a temporary feeling of accomplishment; but you've now opened the door to uncertainty about the future of your friendship. Now you have to deal with the unpredictable consequences that could be worse than you may imagine. Never take advantage of someone's kindness or their tolerance, for your selfish-convenience!!!
Infatuation (or an inflated-ego) often gives people boldness and a false-sense of entitlement to pursue people unlikely to return their feelings. Trying to make friends into lovers is a very risky undertaking; but it often precludes any hesitation, because selfishness tends to knock down all boundaries and disregards limitations. Selfishness makes people think they're entitled to have whatever or whomever they want! Regardless of the affect their presumptive-pursuit or unexpected/unwanted advances will have on the object of their affections. This is where the aphorism "nothing ventured nothing gained" does not apply. There is nothing to gain. You won't get the girl in the end!
You'd be better-off saving your same-sex feelings for someone more likely to be receptive to them. It's better to focus your emotions where you'll get in return exactly what you're giving from the heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): hi there! i was in your shoes about a year ago.
In short: don’t confess. It’s not gonna help with anything. What worked for me was space for about a month, focusing on something else (music really helped me), and to realize how much I was projecting onto her and that even if she were interested, we’d be a horrible fit.
hope this works out for you... it’s tough :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 September 2020):
 As you have discovered, the most common advice is to give distance.
And there is a reason for that.
It is UNREALISTIC that a TOTALLY straight girl/woman wants to be in a same sex relationship. Because she is SEXUALLY attracted to MEN, not women.
It's 100% irrelevant that she is LGTB friendly, that does not CHANGE her sexual orientation OR yours. It just means that she accepts that everyone has their OWN preference, sexually. And SO should you.
You "confessing" your feelings the likely outcome is her pulling away because she doesn't want a sexual relationship with you and she knows most people can't just drop a crush. Things (that being your friendship) will change. She will start to feel AWKWARD around you. NOT because you are gay but because you do no respect HER choice, HER preference. Because you KNOW, intellectually, that she is straight. Which would LOGICALLY tell you that she can "only" care for you as a friend.
I think there is a HUGE risk that this friendship is already over. Because you are wanting to put YOUR feeling over hers.
I can only imagine how hard this situation is, but I think you have to accept that you confessing will most likely break the friendship.
You stepping back (or away) and working through this crush, perhaps even looking ELSEWHERE for someone to date might be the best way to preserve the friendship.
To put this in the easiest perspective I can think of, consider this.. You make friends with a guy. He develops a crush on you. He knows you are gay. HOW would YOU feel if he "confessed" his feeling?
Think about it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 September 2020):
 Do you know what? We can do anything we want in this life but I think it helps to remember that there is a "price" on everything. So, bottom line: are you willing to pay the possible price of your friend deciding your friendship is no longer viable?
Everyone is different and everyone reacts differently. I can only advise you based on my own experience, which was from the other side, i.e. I was the one with a gay friend who was crushing on me. This happened about 20 years ago but resulted in the loss of a beautiful friendship and I still often miss no longer having her in my life. There are so many times when I think "she would have understood" or "she would have known what to say/do to make me feel better".
It all started when my mother died (dad was already dead). We were acquaintances at the time but she was very sympathetic and understanding, not trying to "fix" anything (because there was nothing fixable) but doing genuinely lovely things like cooking for me (I would eat if food was placed in front of me but not if I had to go to the effort of sorting something out myself) and sitting with me, just letting me cry.
In time we became very close friends. I knew from the start she was gay and she knew I was straight. However, over time, she started pushing the friendship towards a more physical relationship. Despite me making it abundantly clear that I was NOT gay and we would never have "that sort" of a relationship, she still kept pushing, to a point where I had to say "enough" and distance myself from her, despite loving her as a friend. Our agendas were totally different and it was just not going to work for us. During our friendship we both admitted to thinking of the other one as a "soulmate" and I truly felt closer to her than any other friend I had before or have had since.
I guess what I am trying to say in a round about way is that I don't believe it will end with you just telling her you have feelings for her. You will not simply switch off your feelings by telling her. It is much more likely you will then keep pushing the boundaries for something to happen between you and your friend may (I say "may", because everyone is different) decide to distance herself from you. Is that a price you are willing to pay? If not, then you must keep your feelings to yourself and keep reminding yourself that she is not available.
I'm sorry, I have nothing more constructive to say. I feel your pain but . . .
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