A
female
age
36-40,
*otallylost86
writes:Hey guys,So my gf of just over 4 years broke up with me 4 weeks ago. We have a 5 month old daughter together that I carried. It kinda hit me out of no where. She said she started to feel different towards me the last couple of weeks because of the lack of attention and affection I was giving her. I can admit since we started our IVF journey my affection towards her dropped a bit but I still felt like I was loving towards her. During this same time frame (last 12-18months) she became very lazy. Barely helped with house work, just binged watched tv shows and played PS. I never had a issue with that but help around the house would have been nice. Then bring a baby into the mix and here I am exhausted from looking after our daughter (as my partner went back to work) and doing 90% of the household chores. I used to ask for more help but it fell on deaf ears, as if i was "nagging". I guess the same way she asked for more affection and I tried but she just couldnt see how exhausted I was and if she only helped me more I would have more time for her. Anyways she broke up with me, without even wanting to try and work on our issues. Im completely broken about it, Ive tried reaching out asking if she would really think about her decision but her mind is made up. Prior to this we've had a pretty amazing relationship - never had a serious argument, respected one another etc. Im just struggling to come to terms with all this. Ive been through break ups before - but this one blindsided me and I have my moments where Im struggling.
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female
reader, totallylost86 +, writes (5 October 2020):
totallylost86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the comments. I have a job, which Ive been in for almost 10 years, I am just on maternity leave. I am financially stable on my own. Having a baby was both of our decision. I never pushed it on her - we decided this together. But perhaps the idea of having a family and then actually having it once our daughter arrived was completely different to what she expected, im not sure. And you're right, the flags were there before we had bub, I guess its my fault for not seeing them sooner and discussing them indepth with her.My ex partner see's our daughter on her days off, not every day off tho maybe 3 out of her 5 (we work for a mining company so we work 5 days/nights then have equal time off) shes had her overnight for the first time on the weekend. I dont have a doubt she wants to remain in her life, but I also think she enjoys having a bit of a "care free" life at the moment. Its hard to not miss what we had, but I know its not doing me any good hoping she will come back. Im taking the steps to move forward, this isnt my first relationship break down I know I'll get through this.Thanks for all the advice, whether it was nice or harsh Ill take it all on board :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 October 2020):
 OP,
Just do one day at a time. If you are having a rough day, ask for help. In a sense I think you will move forward faster and in a healthy manner because you have purpose to your life. (raising your daughter). She doesn't really.
So I have to ask having a baby was HER idea?
And don't forget it's OK to be sad and heart broken over this, but you will come out the other end.
If you NEED less contact with the EX, ASK her to go through a 3td party, not directly to you. YOU have EVERY "right" to chose how you work through OYUR grief.
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A
female
reader, totallylost86 +, writes (30 September 2020):
totallylost86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeypie - thank you for taking the time to comment on my post. To be honest she seemed to be more ready to have a child than I. But I guess there is a difference between thinking you're ready and actually how you feel when the baby arrives.
I am financially stable to be a single mother - and I also have an amazing network of family and friends. Its still early days but my ex does want to co-parent. She has just turned to the alcohol and partying as her way of dealing with the breakup because she doesnt know how to deal with it I suppose. She hasnt spoken to her family about it and says she is going through depression. I try to tell her to seek professional help, talking to a stranger is sometimes a lot easier than people you know, which she says she wants too but actually hasnt made the move too yet.
I know I have to put myself and my daughter first, its easy to put my daughter first but I still struggle with my own grieving. You know if there wasnt a child involved I would just cut all communication off with my ex to help me move forward but its hard when she wants photos every day of our daughter etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2020):
Do you think this stems to the fact that she probably didn't WANT a child?
A lot of couples find that once kids are either being planned or has arrived ONE of the partner (in hetero cases) the guy has second thought about being a dad and having to SHARE the partner with a child.
Of course you will have struggles with a break up, you JUST had a baby, there is a pandemic going on, and you thought things were going to be OK.
Having a child DOES change a relationship/marriage. It is a HUGE responsibility. Your (general you) priorities shift, that is only natural, the baby will come first. And she didn't seem to be that invested. (which is why I ask if she was unsure about having a baby). Her becoming "lazy" while you go though something as HUGE as IVF and a pregnancy is an indicator (to me at least) that she wasn't onboard with the kid thing because it took attention and affection away from HER. And perhaps because she felt she has NO real part in the child?
What you NEED to focus on is how to raise your daughter by yourself. You AND your daughter should be your top priority, not trying to convince your ex to come back. Can you handle being a single mom? Financially? Do you have a support net? (family and friends)? Who can help you out?
You can't CHANGE how she feels. You can't MAKE her want something that she obviously doesn't want any more.
Sometimes we don't see how broken a relationship is until someone walks away. It is NOT out of the blue that she left. She might not have told you what was going on (except that she felt alienated and not loved enough) - maybe that was all it took for her to want out?
Take your time to grieve the loss of this relationship, but remember you child needs you MORE than anything or anyone. And remember you are NOT superwoman/Supermom. ASK for help from family and friend if you need it.
Also consider the huge influx in hormones you have gone through with the IVF and pregnancy, that CAN wear you down. SO get regular check up, talk to your doctor and have a hormone level test done as well. If you have family and friend to help give you a little "me-time" here and there, take advantage of that.
I'm sorry that is the best I can say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): From what you wrote it sounds as if she was never interested in having a family, that she liked what she had with you alone. This happens more than you would think. Sometimes people do not know themselves well enough to know whether they want kids or not so they go with the flow to make their partner happy or fulfill some social obligations. This is not fair, but it's the way it is.If I understood correctly you do not work. You don't say if she will be financially supporting and helping raise your kid. This is a crucial. I don't know what your deal was and if she is legally obliged to do so.If she isn't and if she won't help out, then you don't have a reason to contact her. She left you. That's it.in all honesty it seems that she was on her way out the moment your plan to have a kid was beginning to be implemented.I suspect that she didn't express her real needs and wants (she switched off, did what she wanted, zoned out by living inside TV shows and video games) and that when the reality hit her, she just packed her bags and left.But, you also saw what you wanted to see and pushed your agenda. You say that she was like this 18 months ago? 9 months of pregnancy + 5 months = 14 months, so you had 4 months to see that something was wrong before you got pregnant?I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, I'm just saying that sometimes we ignore red flags. You need to face the truth in order to be able to move on. You were together for 4 years. Things started falling apart after 2 and a half years. That's when the honeymoon phase is definitely over (experts say up to two years). You didn't fight, so what? Neither have my parents. Ever. But my stepfather slowly just drifted away - first by watching TV and ignoring family obligations, visiting his family out of town until one time he just didn't come back. He never EVER complained. But he had a plan... You need to focus know on yourself and the kid. Getting a job if you do not have one, widening your network of support, because you will need all the help you can get.You mustn't let yourself fantasize about your ex and spend energy on trying to patch things up. you have a bigger fish to fry. By focusing on practical things (baby, money, work...) you will help yourself not think (that often) about this. Focus on your health and if you need to find a good therapist!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): Hi, I'm sorry to hear you've had a break up. It can be very painful. It sounds like your gf has made up her mind. It could be a variety of reasons. Perhaps she is not ready to care for a child. Perhaps she is depressed ( You said she became lazy just playing Playstation). Perhaps she needs a lot of nurture. Perhaps she is interested in someone else. I would want to find an answer, but you might not find it. She might not even know herself. You could suggest couples threrapy to her to work out your issues. Or get a baby sitter and go out so that you can talk properly. Unfortunately, you can't change people only yourself. You might need to give her space. You need to build up your support system at this time. Of course your child is your number one priority. She is too small to fend for herself unlike your girlfriend. Make sure to tell your friends and family about your break up or try to join a mum's group. You need your people around you at this time to offer support and care. I hope it works out for you. Enjoy your little baby. She is an innocent party and find ways to pamper yourself to make yourself feel good.
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