A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a really complicated situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating off and on for about 5 years and in March of this year we got back together after having been separated for about 7 months. For most of our relationship, we have been long distance. As we are now. I love this guy with all of my heart, no doubt. I have not a doubt in my mind that this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, a few weeks ago I started hanging out with a friend. I had always known that he found me attractive. I soon found that I was excited by the attention I was getting from this guy that we eventually made out, and I believe he strongly coerced me to give him head. Instantly, I felt bad. And continued to feel bad since it happened. Not long after, I began getting noticed by a handfull more of guys and was sooo engulfed by the excitement of being found attractive that I wound up kissing three more guys. I hate the way I feel about myself now. I feel guilty every day for what I did. And the worst part is, I told m boyfriend that I would never cheat on him and what did I do? Cheat on him. This makes it even more difficult for me, the fact that my boyfriend and I have never really talked about what we each consider cheating...but to me anything you feel the need to hide from a significant other would be considered cheating therefore, I can only assume my boyfriend has the same or similar thoughts. Only to leave me feeling just as guilty. The thing is, I have tried to analyze this situation over and over again. I try to ask myself why I let myself get into situations like that and why I didn't run away from them when I am completely happy with my boyfriend and my self esteem has risen. I wish I knew because I could better understand that actions I made and prevent them from happening further. Although, I do know that I will never let things like these happen again just because of the overwhelming guilt I feel. I am so ready to forgive myself and forget because I only want what's best for me and my boyfriend. The question I've been struggling with though is, do I do it all on my own with the intent never to make such destructive decisions again or should I come clean with my boyfriend and work through things together? I almost feel as though he should be completely left out of this because he didn't do anything wrong or anything to deserve my hurtful actions, so why should I inflict unnessecary pain when I am resolving the problem myself and taking responsibility for those actions with the intent to contribute to the relationship 110% more? Or should I tell him because he needs to know that I was overcome by a moment of weakness and feel sincererely sorry about it so that we can work on building up our relationship and relieving my heavy conscience? Anyone with any advice, please help! I'm extremely worried about losing him because I remember him telling me that if I messed up one more time, we were done trying...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring Guy, I appreciate your advice but I fee there are some things I need to clear up.
1. Yes, I feel guilt. And I will continue to feel guilt until I am honest with him. I AM sure it won't happen again. When I said "I wish I knew because I could better understand that actions I made and prevent them from happening further," I meant that I wish I knew why I let myself get into situations where I know the outcome of that encounter could be bad. I know the consequences. I'm a level headed, mature 21 year old. But, like I said I feel so bad, guilty, shamed, self loathing, etc...I completely agree with you though, he does deserve the right to decide whether he wants to be with someone who has cheated on him. I've been struggling with this for weeks. And this was something I even thought about saying in my original post. He does deserve that right.
2. Again, I feel as though I need to clear things up. I do feel as though I was coerced...the night this all happened I was with two guys, both of them friends, at their apartment. And that was it. Me alone with two guys. And I have to add that drugs/alcohol were in use EVERY time I made these bad decisions. Well, this guy I was with I had noticed that he was basically using me...for everything. He always needed rides, money, food, something. And after I let him use me for a good couple of weeks and then get sexual gratification out of it because I was an idiot, I just stopped hanging out with him. The other guys I had pretty much just met and only had one encounter with. I'd like to add that this was all pretty much over the course of a week and a half...all clumped together. I've never had previous encounters and nothing else has happened since then...hence why I said "a moment of weakness". Also, I'm taking responsibility by seeking advice, talking with others, and making a decision to be honest with my boyfriend. And realizing my actions and why they are wring and hurtful and trying to correct them.
3. I do love him. I always will. He was my first love. And we've been through so much as a long distance couple, I wouldn't stick around because I didn't love him. He's not the safe option. Yes, we've been together a long time but I'd like to mention again, he doesn't live here. A safe option would be an ex boyfriend that lives in the same town. Our relationship is an incredible and amazing thing to have maintained for three years and counting. And it's not like I get to see him every other weekend or anything. I live in Texas and he lives in California. We've gone four months without seeing each other. And I think that's partly why I cheated. I felt sexually needed. And those are hard urges not to give in to. And I hate myself for giving in to them. But honestly, they are animal instinct. Especially when you've gone for so long without it. But, it's wrong. And I know that.
So thank you for the advice. I know what I'm going to do.
YouWish, I don't understand what you mean by "sounds like you cheated on him while he was there". Um, he came out for a week in March which is when we decided to get back together after being broken up for 7 months.
I'm actually quite disappointed with most of the advice I received on here because I was looking for more helpful words instead of being called mentally unstable and I need help because I'm human and I made a mistake. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll seek advice elsewhere. Not to mention, everyone acted as though I had fucked these guys when what I did is far less a destructive behavior. I still made a mistake and it was wrong, it could have been worse. I did something wrong, I feel bad about it, I'm seeking advice and help, and doing the right thing by me and my boyfriend because I do love him.
A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Yes I definitely agree with all the statements...OP badly needs help psychologically.I think you have very high self esteem to claim yourself to be found attractive and use it as an excuse for cheating.No matter how drunk you are you wouldn't do such things.Once is enough but 4 times is unacceptable...Get help before its too late and be honest not only to you bf but especially to your self...Good luck!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): You are young, and making big mistakes one after the other. Something is far more wrong than your sex drive."I love this guy with all of my heart, no doubt."This may be true."I have not a doubt in my mind that this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with."This may also be true."I believe he strongly coerced me to give him head."Exactly what does that mean? Exactly. Was it rape? Was it sexual assault? Were you drunk? Were you high?"Instantly, I felt bad. And continued to feel bad since it happened."Which often means you place yourself in the same situation as before, thinking that you can handle it this time, and then fall down the same cliff again."sooo engulfed by the excitement of being found attractive that I wound up kissing three more guys."Why so much need to be found attractive."I hate the way I feel about myself now."Which means a lot, but what does it really mean? I can't tell you and you are probably not in the proper state of mind to tell anyone on here either. If you don't get help, you will hate yourself much more later on."I feel guilty every day for what I did."Good, shows you have a conscience. Because you need to, and you need to use that guilt to a proper purpose, or you will destroy yourself and a lot of other people."to me anything you feel the need to hide from a significant other would be considered cheating"Right on target with the definition."I have tried to analyze this situation over and over again. I try to ask myself why I let myself get into situations like that and why I didn't run away from them when I am completely happy with my boyfriend and my self esteem has risen."This may be a serious psychological issue, and it certainly sounds like it. You need professional help. You can't really analyze yourself."I do know that I will never let things like these happen again just because of the overwhelming guilt I feel."That won't protect you. In fact, people who feel guilty often do it again, and again, and again, because their guilt is severe when they are not cheating but the simple act of cheating takes all those feelings and suppresses them, kind of like a drug."I come clean with my boyfriend and work through things together?"You come clean with your bf, because it is the only right thing to do. Do you work things through together? No, because he needs to move on and you need to get professional help or you will be doing this for the next twenty years."I was overcome by a moment of weakness"This is not a moment of weakness. It is a pattern of behavior that arises from one or more of the following: insecurity, low self esteem or abnormally high self esteem, mental illness, a history of sex abuse/neglect/child abuse, depression, stress reactions, alcohol or other drug abuse or effects, etc, etc, etc. "I'm extremely worried about losing him"Stop worrying about losing him. You need to have him move on. This is a destructive relationship.Do the right thing, tell him you are having serious problems, need to get professional help, and know that you can't be in a relationship with him or anyone else until you have worked this all out. Stay out of relationships, even casual sexual ones, avoid the people and places you have been going to where this shit happens. If you use any illicit drugs stop, if you use alcohol then stop. If you have any drug/alcohol use, then take this quiz. For alcohol, you may substitute any other drug.http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htmIf it is just sex, no drugs, look at this following quiz, remember, the answer to "why do I do I feel this way" is not on these tests, only the "why I do them when I do them".http://www.sexhelp.com/sast.cfm
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A
female
reader, a_maldita +, writes (5 July 2011):
There is completely no excuse for cheating...
You've done it four times sure you can do it again..
Tell him and let him decide if he still wants you or not...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2011):
 I'm with CaringGuy 100% here, especially on his second point.
I wanted to add that it's a great deal different having a primarily long distance relationship, especially for as long as 5 years. You say he just came back in March after being gone 7 months? Sounds like you cheated on him while he was there.
You are desperately trying to hold onto this romanticized idea of him, yet sabotaging any real trust and any real bond you can possibly have with him. If you're cheating, you can't love him heart and soul. If you're cheating, you can't be sure that he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Quite logically, you have neither the mental or physical capacity to contribute 110% into your relationship.
You need to tell him and give him the decision to stay with you. Either that, or you need to leave him and sort yourself out. You are in denial that it's a "moment of weakness". You are a serial cheater. This is a character flaw, not a moment of weakness. You made the choices. You cheated with multiple other people. You feel the need to keep being weak and not tell him.
You're not taking the necessary responsibility. You haven't resolved the problem, because lying to yourself and him is no resolution. You've already inflicted the pain by cheating. You don't want to tell him to cover yourself, and to avoid his negative reaction and the reaction of people who know you. Be honest for the first time.
Your relationship with this guy is over. If you choose not to tell him, he will eventually find out. They always do. You're only delaying the inevitable. AND, if you don't deal with this character flaw, you will keep on cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): 3 strikes and you're out? You cheated 4 times. You do not love your bf, I think u must realise this by now. If u did u would not have cheated repeatedly.
U have a misplaced sense of integrity: u don't want to tell him bec u don't want him to suffer for your betrayal: load of crock and u know it.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 July 2011):
I think you have to tell him, and I think you have to be prepared for the fact that he may choose to end it. There are several reasons really:
1 - You feel guilt now, but you say that you can't be sure that you won't do it again. I think that realistically, that isn't a good sign for your relationship. It's already happened four time - and to be honest there's nothing to suggest there won't be a fifth. Now, if you love your boyfriend, you'll give him the chance to decide whether he wants to be with someone who has cheated four times. You'll give him the chance to decide, and respect his decision, because if you can't then you're nothing but a liar and a hypocrite.
2 - I'm not sure you are willing to actually accept responsibility. "I strongly believe that my friend coerced me into giving head. I immediately felt bad" BUT "I eventually made out with three other guys". "I don't know if this won't happen again" - There is nothing there to suggest you're actually taking responsibility, but that you are just going to lie about it. That shows a deep lack of love and respect. No one coerced you - you made an active, level headed choice to cheat on each occasion.
3 - The fact that you cheated four times does suggest that in fact you don't love him, and that you're keeping him around for the safe option. Perhaps you just need to move on and have fun until such time that you can commit.
4 - Read this post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-cheated-two-months-into-our-marriage.html
It's written by a guy who found out 10 years later that his wife cheated, and shows that even after ten years, when it comes out it can hurt.
Basically what I'm saying is that if you can't be honest with him, and give him the chance to decide whether he wants to be with you and work at it, then you'll become a woman who men just joke about and degrade, because no good guy will want someone with that kind of a reputation who is willing to lie so badly.
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