A
female
age
30-35,
*issking
writes:So my man is 9 years older than me, he is stuck in his ways n believes women should act n be a certain way. I'm conflicted because I'm falling in love with him and I am nothing like what he believes in. My question is should I change ways and be like what he belives is a lady because I'm young and I will be changing anyways, or should I tell him to accept me for the way I am? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 If he's entitled to ask you to change his preferences you can do the same back, right? Tell him you find he's not the type of man you like, or acts like what you want men to act like, and then he should be changing too... He's not so old yet that he's behaviour is set in stone any more than yours is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
 NEVER change yourself FOR someone else... the minute they are gone you will revert... you are just doing it for them.
I quit smoking cigarettes for my first husband.. he refused to marry me if I smoked. I quit. I had been smoking since I was 14 so 1974-1981 I was a smoker. I stayed a NON-smoker for all the years were were married.
THE first day he moved out (we were married 8 years) I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked from 1989-1995 when I quit for GOOD for MYSELF.
so even if you are doing something that you know to be good for you... you have to do it FOR YOURSELF...
...............................
A
female
reader, swordandredrose +, writes (4 December 2011):
Don't ever change yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 So basically he doesn't like you the way you are. Um, that's not a good start. I'd pass on this guy and there will be another who loves you just the way you are. Rigid, inflexible men with expectations aren't really a good bet for a healthy relationship. You'll meet someone who appreciates you for how you are now, but you won't be able to do that if you're trapped in a dead-end relationship.
Be well.
...............................
A
female
reader, auntyR  +, writes (3 December 2011):
don't change for him! don't you dare! You would be sooo weak if you were to turn yourself into his ideal woman. If he don't like who you are then tell him to get stuffed and move on to someone who likes you for you. 9 years can be a big age gap and this probably does not help with how he thinks a girl should be.
I'd personally get out of this relationship before you get too deep.
...............................
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Well tell him to find someone who is "ladylike" and to leave you alone.
The whole thing about being with someone and loving them, is loving them for who they are, and not trying to change them to suit your tastes. That is not love, that is control and manipulation.
You need to put your foot down. This is a part of who you are, and if acting tom-boyish and dressing tom-boyish is what you're comfortable, then so be it. To each his/her own. But you cannot get with someone and then ask them to change.
That's like buying something at the store when you knew exactly what it was and how it worked, and then taking it back and trying to exchange it for something completely different because you decided you didn't like it.
It doesn't work like that. I used to work in retail and we'd laugh at people like that. People who expect someone to change something because they want it.
All he is thinking about is himself. You need to ask yourself, why do you love him? What is it about him that you find amazing, charming, loveable? Is there anything that you don't like about him, and would you change it if it was beneficial for the both of you? Or do you accept him exactly the way he is?
...............................
A
female
reader, missking +, writes (3 December 2011):
missking is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well the way i should speak n act. See i had grown up a lil on the tom boyish side n to be that way my whole life its hard to see anything wrong with it n its also hard to change, i love to see him happy n i wanna make him happy but its like the expects it over night, i have told him i would try n that it doesnt happen over night n he doesnt seem to get that. So basically he wants me to be a lady n not to have any boyish tendencies as he would call it. Its alot of things n i cant tell you verbatim, so to sum it up its "lady like" that the wants.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2011):
If he's stuck in his ways, why can't you be stuck in yours? Just because he's 29 doesn't mean he knows what is best for YOU.
Could you be more specific?
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Are the changes he's talking about good ones? Do they match up with the kind of woman you want to be? Are they something you might actually want to work up to, even if you're not sure you can? Then yes, by all means, change. Self-improvement is one of the most important parts of life. Enlist your man's help in living up to them.
On the other hand, are the changes something you really don't agree with? Do you think they won't work for you, or even that there is something fundamentally wrong with them? Can you explain why? If so, don't change. You can even tell him that you won't, so long as you aren't confrontational and rude about it. He'll probably accept it if you're polite, but firm. Bad changes would be self-abasement, not self improvement.
What, specifically, does he think a woman ought to be like that doesn't match up with you?
...............................
A
female
reader, TrinityHunter +, writes (3 December 2011):
 NEVER change for anyone!!! Yu are who yu are and if he doesn't like it, leave him. It's his loss. My advice to yu is to find someone that will truley love yu for yu, and I can guarantee that yu will be 100% happier than yu EVER was with who yu're with now.... GOOD LUCK!!!
...............................
|
