A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 and my boyfriend is 22. We've been together a year and a half. Recently we have been arguing because he's starting to feel like he's been missing out on his youth. I've had more partners than him and got to party and enjoy my 20s and he says he's jealous of me for that. He had told me he is willing to give up all the partying and girls to just be with me, but his feelings of missing out keep coming up and I don't want him to keep feeling like he's missing out. So I told him he can go out with his friends bit to just respect me when it comes to other girls. His response was that if he goes out his idea of fun is being reckless and hooking up with girls and he doesn't want to have to worry about hurting me, making me think that he can't control himself and that if he really loved me he wouldn't have to think like that. Should I just let him go and do his own thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Safe yourself the heart ache and end it with him----he's just not that into you my dear and it's fine....you might be able to do better than him...way better if you are a great woman, who looks good, can cook, has a great personality, high morals and values. Don't settle and if he wants to leave, let him, but don't ever take him back. You don't want to be a "safe bet" for someone simply b/c they discovered that the grass wasn't greener on the other side.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Help him pack.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): The relationship needs to end because they are mismatched. But there is NOTHING wrong with how the boyfriend feels and only a male-bashing hypocrite would say there is. Either it's okay to live wild and single when you are 22yo or it's not. The GF did it when she was 22yo and nobody is saying bad things about her for it. Now the 22yo BF feels the same way and he is being called bad things for it. It is pure hypocrisy to think badly about the BF for wanting a lifestyle that was acceptable coming from his GF at the same age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): I think you definitely need to let him do whatever he wants do. Now, you also need to decide what YOU want to do. The fact that he honestly told you about his intentions is showing his character and ability to communicate the things he wants to you. Now it's your turn. You can say yes, I ll wait for you, or no, this scenarium doesn't work for me.Also when he says he sacrifice for you if he absolutely must, but he would prefer to get your approval for hooking up with other girls doesn't seem very flattering to you.If it was me I would let him go but with point of no return. I would actually let him go even if he said , ok, them if you feel negative about me fooling around I ll stay. Only because I wouldn't t want to put my feelings in jeopardy with a guy who wants to "have it all".But that's me. Plus no one here knows what relationship you have. If it's incredible passionate and loving, and the only thing that bothers you is his desire to go and explore, than may be there is something to think about. Also i agree with someone who said here, it might be his permanent trait: desire to keep on exploring. Some people are just not monogamous.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Let him go.... he's being honest that he wants to go have fun and not have to think twice about it... he's not ready to make a long term commitment to anyone but himself right now.
Nothing wrong with him.. he just wants something different than what you currently want OP...
Sadly the younger we are when we have age gap relationships the harder they are to make work.
After a certain point age really doesn't matter quite as much.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 @ Male anon reader :
The OP has sown her wild oats BEFORE entering in a committed relationship.
If the BF thinks that collecting hook ups for fun is an irrenounceable part of his life experience , he should not even have accepted starting a monogamous , committed relationship to begin with. He could have waited until he had finished sowing his wild oats too.
Part of being adults is assessing what are your priorities, and accepting serenely that if you choose priority A, often you'll have to sacrifice B.
Grabbing the chance to do A and then kvetching because you cannot do B shows shallowness, immaturity and egotism.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 March 2012):
@ Male anon reader :
The OP has sown her wild oats BEFORE entering in a committed relationship.
If the BF thinks that collecting hook ups for fun is an irrenounceable part of his life experience , he should not even have accepted starting a monogamous , committed relationship to begin with. He could have waited until he had finished sowing his wild oats too.
Part of being adults is assessing what are your priorities, and accepting serenely that if you choose priority A, often you'll have to sacrifice B.
Grabbing the chance to do A and then kvetching because you cannot do B shows shallowness, immaturity and egotism.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 March 2012):
Yes, let him go. But not because you should feel bad for cramping his style or have any moral obligations to facilitate his antics.
Because he is not the right person for you , and because he's not in love, or at least not as much as you think.
It's not a matter of age , it's a matter of personality and individual choices. My son is 22 , and his friends too. Not all 22 y.o. guys think they are missing out if they don't go out every night to score random hook ups and have casual drunken sex. Some are intrigued and excited by this idea, some are not, and some would find it repulsive. Besides, most young men his age CAN control themselves if needs be, whether it be pretty girls or alcohol or drugs etc.etc , we are not talking about puppies or toddlers. If they don't control themselves it's because they don't want to. And this reluctance to use self control is a character trait that STAYS.
Which brings me to the not being in love.
Often you have to make choices for love... but the beauty is that if you are in love, they aren't such hard choices after all, they don't feel like a chain around your neck.
I bet you don't think : damn, every day I spend with this guy is a day that I could be spend with someone better, someone smarter, richer, more experienced, better looking, etc.etc.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): The BF is only wanting what the GF has already had. Would you be calling her out for showing shown questionable values if he was here complaining about her past? Probably not. Why is that okay but this guy's feelings are not?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 As a matter of fact I have been in his shoes. I've been with partners a little older and much more experienced than I and had to sit and listen to them regale me with stories of their wild and adventurous youths (sexual and non sexual), knowing that I was giving up a lot myself by staying with them. I'm not talking sexually either. I mean life adventures. I certainly wasn't rude enough to tell a man who cared for me that I was thinking of leaving him so I could bed down with a bunch of strange men.
Not being ready to settle down is perfectly normal and natural. Being preoccupied with having sex with multiple strangers is something else entirely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): It's easy to badmouth him for "valuing hookups over being with someone he loves" but unless you have been in his shoes it is not fair to criticize.
Plenty of people who eventually became great spouses to someone else, were not ready to settle down the first time they fell for someone.
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A
female
reader, jinxx +, writes (13 March 2012):
 I think you should let him go. While you should appreciate his honesty, it's not very respectful of him to say or believe he wouldn't be able to hold himself back with other girls. I think that speaks volumes, and I think you think so as well.
It's clear you care very much about him, enough to sacrifice your happiness for his. In my mind, that means you deserve someone who would be willing to do the same for you. If he were truly willing to forgo the partying and girls, the issue wouldn't keep popping up.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It can't be easy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 March 2012):
Sadly, yes, I do think you should let him go.
Your boyfriend may be fond of you but he's revealed a glaring incompatibility. He values short term gratification over long term happiness. Hook ups with strangers are as important to him as time spent with someone he claims to love.
This isn't something a good heart to heart chat can cure. And it isn't fair for you to be kept waiting while he gets it out of his system. And would you admire a person who kept you waiting and wondering?
I think he wants to break up with you but is too afraid to do it so he's hoping you'll do it for him. Or perhaps he is setting you up to forgive him for future indiscretions. Who knows. In any event his heart isn't in this relationship.
Spare yourself the grief and uncertainty. Let him go so YOU can have the life YOU want.
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