A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and i have been together a year now. i really care about him but we (or i) have a lot of problems. he smokes (marijuana) constantly, is always high, and is basically obsessed with pot. thats all he wants to spend his money on, hes lazy, and i really hate it. ive told him this numerous times and he hasnt stopped or made any effort in slowing down. his life seriously revolves around it.aside from that, hes done other things that i really hate. he had an ex girlfriend who was texting him trying to sleep with him (she knew he wasnt single). at one point he got a new number and gave it to her. they met up at work supposedly for a few minutes and again she tried to get him to cheat on me (saying i wouldnt find out, etc) but as far as i know he said no (i still find it weird he gave her the number at all). hes hung out with girls he used to have a "thing" with even though i asked him not to (one girl was saying she wished they could hang out alone without me there) and has lied a lot. ive also found pictures of a naked girl on his phone. he'll do something wrong and when i get mad he'll just yell at me and never apologizes (like when i found the naked pictures, he got mad at me saying it was too early and he didnt want to deal with it on his day off).he didnt want to celebrate any holidays this past year and refused when he knew i wanted to (im 20 and i feel like this is definitely a time i should be having fun). we just stayed at his house doing nothing (st patricks day, fourth of july, halloween, new years, all that people usually go out for). he didnt get me anything for our one year anniversary (didnt celebrate it whatsoever)i feel like im really over it and i know itd be best to break up with him. things arent the same anymore and i really hardly have any urge to see him (whereas before id see him any chance i could. another problem is he likes 30 min from me and im the one who always has to drive there). im just sick of it. sort of a change in topic, but the other night i cheated on him thinking it wouldnt phase me because i want to end it anyway but i feel horrible. i feel sick, guilty, cant stop crying and just like an overall crappy person (i know all the stuff he does isnt an excuse). now i dont know if i should tell him and end it, or just end it and leave that part out. i really dont want to hurt him more or cause him to have trust issues in future relationships. regardless of what happened i know it wouldnt work out, but its hard because theres still a lot i love about him and we've been together for such a long time (i know its nothing compared to a lot of people, but its my longest relationship).any advice is appreciated, sorry this is so long and confusing, and thanks for reading if you got through it all.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): End it, tell him only that you realize how bad each of you are for each other and you need a fresh start without any of the drama.
Don't blame him.
Don't blame anyone.
Just end it, and don't go back.
If you continue, or go back, you need to come clean.
You are right, his behavior doesn't excuse cheating, but you've go issues you need to work on.
"i feel sick, guilty, cant stop crying and just like an overall crappy person"
BEFORE you get into another relationship, work on yourself, or you will repeat the mistakes, repeat the behaviors, and a lot more.
If you use drugs or drink at all, take the following quiz. It may help you understand something, and it may help you prevent yourself from dealing with this and more when you are 50. Be real honest when you answer the questions and think about the questions and what they may mean in your life.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
Good Luck.
A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Seriously, why did you have to go lower yourself? He is clearly not partner material from the rap sheet you have given and now you've gone ahead and proven that you are not that much better and and you're feeling it now.
How long have you known this other guy? Is he a future possible partner? Even if he was, what does this tell people about you and or future partners?
Hopefully you will not engage in anything sexual since your excursion for both emotional and sexual safety (STD) reasons.
Break up with your 'boyfriend' and don't look back. Go get yourself checked for STDs. Then chill out and relax from the relationship scene. You've already done enough damage to yourself. Get back in once you've had time to reflect and think about why you did what you did. Think about why you even stuck around with 'boyfriend', and what type of person you are and the values and integrity you will live by (if any). You need to learn about yourself and who you are before you go looking for answers in a partner. If you don't, you'll be doomed for a life full of drama and broken relationships. That you settled for the character you did and did not have the guts and ability to break it off says a lot. Read up on relationships, seek counselors if needed because you can avoid many of these stupid mistakes that can mess you up long term. Be smart and think smart going forward and have higher standards, for yourself and future potential partners.
As far as your 'boyfriend'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Sometimes you can love a person and yet they are simply not the right one for you. I mean he isn't bringing out the best in you or offering you a good life. He is obsessed with his pot so you are always gonna take second place I'm afraid and it sounds like he is pretty abusive around other women versus a commitment to you. I don't see that telling him you cheated will help. The fact you feel so bad is because you are a decent person - if it didn't phase you there would be a problem. Compare your reaction to his anger at his own immaturity at flirting with other women. That alone should tell you that you are both very different people and your relationship with this guy is pretty much over. You need out - maybe deep down you were looking for a more solid reason to finish it? Love does not equal happiness and this guy has stopped bothering with you (if indeed he every really did). Perhaps stop driving to see him, cool off contact for a couple of days and see how you feel. Perhaps its just a case of gradually letting things go rather than a massive confrontation or explanation. People drift apart and it seems he is not fulfilling your needs.
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