A
female
age
36-40,
*ind_a_light
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months, we are both university students, though I graduate this year and he graduates next year. Obviously I am thinking about what my options are in terms of finding a job when I graduate and where I would like to live, etc. Though he hasn't asked me to, I have taken him into account when applying for jobs, such as not applying for jobs that are on the other side of the country and are close to home. Though neither of us really know what we want to do when we graduate his family is quite well-off and he is after a job that will make a lot of money. I asked him whether he considered me when thinking about where (as in location, not company) he wants to work when he graduates and he just said "I don't know" and "we'll see what happens" which to me sounds like 'no'.I feel pretty hurt by his answer seeing as we have been together for quite a while and it seems like he is more interested in making money than our relationship. Should I bother considering him in my future if he's not that bothered about considering me? What's the point in continuing the relationship if he only envisages it working out if it fits in with his work location?
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female
reader, find_a_light +, writes (5 January 2011):
find_a_light is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies, they have really helped me gain some perspective :)
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 This is a very common problem in University-based relationships - the time you are together as students is amazing and because you are a student, you are too busy living for 'now' to think about the future. You only think as far ahead as the next set of exams and then when it comes to graduating it hits you like a tonne of bricks!
But the main problem is that at the end of the day, you were two individuals with individual dreams when you started uni, and you always finish uni as two individuals with individual dreams. So it is foolish to ever expect that this will ever be an easy phase and you will just 'gets jobs in the same place'. Because you obviously went to uni to get a degree so you could get a good job, and same applies for him. But clearly your idea of your dream job is going to be very different to his dream job - and neither one of you should compromise that just for a relationship.
Yes 18 months is a while, but it is not a huge amount of time and you are still young. Either one of you giving up a dream job for the relationship would be foolish and you would live to regret it - chances are if you went your separate ways you would find other people and be very happy and not give a student relationship a second thought.
The issue here is that neither of you have a clear direction in life (like most students) therefore to try and plan around is each other is impossible. What I suggest is that you put yourself first and worry about the relationship later. Your career is going to shape the rest of your life - it is a huge deal and you need to do what is right for you, not what is right for the relationship. So dont rule out any job due to location or where you might be living with your boyfriend - make sure you apply for everything that gets you excited. You have to work for the next 60+ years, so it better be doing something you love otherwise you will be miserable. Even if you stayed in your current location and got a job so you could stay with your boyfriend, you would probably end up being so unhappy with your boring job that you would take it out on your boyfriend and you would split up anyway.
No relationship is ever guaranteed to last, so there is no point in resting 60+ years of your life on 18 months. Put all other factors aside and just make the decision that is right for YOU - if the relationship is meant to be then you will find a way to make it work.
His attitude is not wrong, I know it seems hurtful that he would say this but as you said before - he does not know what he wants to do after uni therefore of course he is going to say 'we'll see what happens' because that is all he can say right now. If he has no idea what he will be doing after uni then it literally is just 'wait and see' when the time comes. So dont be too hurt by this - he did not mean all he cares about is money, or that he wont consider you at all - he just means that he has no idea about his future right now and will deal with it when the time comes.
So all you can do now is enjoy your time together, make sure you focus on getting a job that YOU love and try not to worry about your relationship. As I said before, if its meant to be then its meant to be and it will all work out ok.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, greengirl +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Maybe you should start considering other locations when looking for work. Sure, if something suitable comes up close to home, then that's great but if you see an opportunity that is away from home, don't rule it out as it may be the best long term option for you right now.
University relationships are difficult as you two are both in a temporary situation and when you have both graduated, it may take you in opposite directions.
While it's great that you found each other and love has blossomed, remember that you are both at Uni to gain qualifications to take you into your chosen career - you could be missing out on this if you stick around for the wrong reasons.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 January 2011):
I agree here with the post below. Far from not taking things into account, he is distinctly taking things into account here. Most of all, he's sensible enough to know that he will have to go where the money is. You will have to do the same. As a person who lives in a small town and is unemployed, I know important it is to consider every aspect when searching for work.
It's not fair or sensible for you to say that he's only taking money into account here. His life, and your life together, will effectively depend upon the money you and he can earn. He can't just not apply for jobs because of you. He has to apply for them. Worse, if you start to get too clingy about it, he will have to decide whether you offer him the best future. The relationship will not work out at all if you play the "if you love me you'll stay" card, because he will really resent being put in that position.
You need to take everything into account, not just the aspects of your relationship. He is doing just that. He has been very honest with you. He has said that he is unsure whether he will have to move away, and has said that whilst he appreciates the relationship, he must take everything into account. You should too.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I don´t really see the problem here. Decisions haven´t been made yet and it´s logical he´s after something that brings in the green stuff, as money is also what you build your future with. He´s open minded which is a good thing when it comes to work.
Please breathe and lose the clingy attitude. If he wants to build a future with you here doesn't mean he isn't allowed to look what else is out there. Getting your feelings hurt while he hasn't done anything wrong is bound to end up with you two fighting, which could be the beginning of the end of your relationship.
Not trying to be harsh here but you really should try to be less insecure and have more faith in your man before you get arguments over trivial little things and sabotage what you've got.
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