A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My last year in college I met this guy who is only a year younger than me but 2 years behind me academically because of where his birthday falls. He and I got along well and were always friendly when we saw each other but didn't hang out. I just graduated college this past semester and one of the last weeks of school he kissed me after talking to me for awhile at a party. He has always been very respectful, always acted like a gentleman and has many qualities that I like in a guy.He lives about an hour from me so seeing him frequently is difficult but I've been making the trip to see him a few times or we'll meet up in the city. Hanging out with him is a lot of fun and when we don't get to see each other we text all day.My problem is this- after he had been drinking last weekend when I was with him he told me about this girl from his hometown that he's known most of his life. He went on at length about her saying he thought I should know. Apparently her parents are good family friends of his parents. He told me how much she liked him but it wasn't mutual and he didn't know how to go about it because of the family situation so he just ignores it. He then followed that up by saying she is the perfect 'wife material' because she can cook, is great with kids, etc. He made comments like how her being able to fluently speak another language is 'really hot' and so on. But then he went back to saying he didn't want to be with her and barely talks to her.I know this next part is bad and I'm not proud of it but when he went to the bathroom I quickly scanned his messages with her and he talks to her almost every day and in each message he calls her baby. The next day I had an opportunity to go to his house and meet his parents but he said he didn't want me to because his dad knows about this girl (whatever that meant). Later I met his mom and apparently she thought I was with another guy that was with us but he never corrected her.I don't understand why he contradicts himself.. it seems like he likes me because he keeps making the initiative to spend time with me but he obviously lied to me. If he likes this girl so much why wouldn't he just be in a relationship with her? I'm pretty hurt because I really liked him and thought he was a great guy. I obviously didn't confront him about the text messages because I shouldn't have looked at them but I'm almost glad I did because now I know he lied to me.What do you think, should I believe he doesn't really want to be with her? Or should I accept that he lied to my face and move on?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 He's stringing you both along, the fact that he said she was 'hot' (even if it was indirectly because she can speak another language) means that he is attracted to her and if he is calling her baby then if they are not in a relationship already then they are pretty close.
He likes both of you - but the major factor that is going against you is that you live an hour away, whereas she is close by.
I'd move on now if I were you - he will chose her over you because of her proximity and the fact that his family already think they are together anyway. You are wasting your time with an indecisive, immature little boy who is currently having his cake and eating it.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 July 2013):
You don’t knowh for sure that he lied, but regardless, there’s still cause for concern here. He may see her attractive qualities and the things that some-one else may like about her, without being attracted to her himself. But the point is this: if he wants to be with you, he has to take some responsibility for telling those in his life that this is the case, not making it difficult for you to meet his family or hiding the fact that he’s with you, because they know about another girl who’s interested in him. Maybe he isn’t a lier, who knows. But what we do know is this: he is not displaying the maturity required for a relationship. If she has expressed her interest in him he needs to kindly let her down, and he needs to be upfront with his family about his choices, or at least give you a very good reason why he won’t tell them who you are. Whilst at an early stage it is probably going to be better for you in the longer term not to pursue this relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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