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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been having this friends with benefits relationship, no strings attached with a co-worker (he works in the same building, we don't actually work together)for a couple of months now. I know I'm probably too old for that kind of "relationship", but I'm going through a lot of bad things at the moment in my life and he's a fun guy who helps me lighten up this burden I'm carrying. Anyway... we normally meet twice a week for chat and sex and it is cool on both parties. We text/email almost every day and it is all very easy and smooth. This past week and the next week we won't be able to meet as he's got loads of meetings at work (I checked and it's true). I texted him a couple of days ago (fun light-hearted text) and for the first time ever he didn't reply. I'm really pissed off because, seriously, you got no excuses for not replying to a text message. Do you think he got fed up? Do you think I looked too clingy? Plus: when we finish work we normally wait for each other and have nice after-work chat (we work in the same building, but we don't see each other unless we actually wait for each other after work). Should I wait for him tomorrow or just head straight home and see how he acts? Or should I just wait for him and act like nothing has happened? Please get back to me, aunts, as I really can't think straight anymore! Am I reading too much into this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your time, aunts! Well, yeah, I guess you helped me figure it out: we are not dating and he owes me nothing at all. If he feels like texting, he will if not he just won't. I've gotta be rational here. I have a feeling this is going a little too far on my side, as I really like this guy so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to back up. It's not gonna be easy, it's not gonna happen straight away but I sure as hell gotta do it. I can't be sitting here waiting for a text message from a guy who is not willing to find one minute to text me. That's just not good for me. And, yes, I don't need a heartbreak right now although I'm on the verge of one, I'm afraid. At the moment I'm just plain angry with myself for deliberately getting into this mess. But you are right, aunts, he ows me nothing... he's free to do whatever the hell he wants. Although, I wouldn't call him a "friend with benefits" because a friend should at least take the time to text back- he's just a plain fu*k buddy and that's it, nothing more, nothing less. I'm gonna miss him, but this is getting harder every day and I seriously gotta move on although he's such an awesome (emotionally unavailable)guy. Sorry for this rambling! Thank you all again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Yes, you are reading way to much into this. FWB is just sex nothing more nothing less.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Basically you have gone in to kinds of much more complex form of relationships and that is core of the problem. fundamentally for a women it is very hard to be only sex-buddy and she is not designed to do that job like many women animal species, who can do pure sex and forget kind of partners. The human race is completely different and in 99 % of the cases, FWB fails for the same reason that you described. Man is better equipped to do that and though only a some percentage point better. so in your case you do not have right to your thoughts that you are undergoing. these are clearly saying to us that you got emotionally involved and you are expecting more from him. it is best for him to leave you and that he will do eventually. so be prepared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): "no strings attached"
You're forgetting the ground rules here OP, you're fuck buddies nothing more.
String 1: "I'm going through a lot of bad things at the moment in my life and he's a fun guy who helps me lighten up this burden I'm carrying"
He's your emotional crutch even though you're only FWB's. That means you've given this arrangement a level of emotional importance that is far more than what was agreed to. You're now feeling the effects of that because you're starting to panic but OP he owes you nothing. This is a casual sex thing nothing more.
String 2: "I checked and it's true"
Why did you check and what if it wasn't true? he's not committed to you, he can do what he likes. Again OP you're expecting more from him than what he's required to do. He can blow you off any time and you have no right to be pissed because this is strictly casual but for you it's not casual at all.
String 3: "I'm really pissed off because, seriously, you got no excuses for not replying to a text message."
If it was a light-hearted text then why are you so pissed he didn't reply. OP no matter how nice to you he is, he's only your FWB, you have no right to be pissed at him for this, your arrangement is for casual sex, you're asking too much and putting too much emotion into this.
String 4: "Please get back to me, aunts, as I really can't think straight anymore!"
Okay OP where the hell is the no strings in this arrangement, it seems you have far too much emotion invested in this.
Basically OP you have no idea how to handle an FWB or what it actually entails. You see this is not casual for you at all, this is not no strings for you. You have no right to feel let down, you have no right to be upset about any of this and if this is no strings then why are all these thoughts going through your head? Do you really not get what casual hooking up means?
OP you agreed for this to be strictly casual with no strings, yet here you are freaking out over a text message, telling people that this guy is the answer to your emotional difficulties, you're talking about this guy like he's your boyfriend. All of these questions you have are irrelevant. Really they are. Now if he was your boyfriend or even if you were dating him then I'd answer those questions but I'm not going to because they're against the rules you signed up for.
What are you going to do when you find out he's dating someone else? It will happen OP, FWB's is a stop gap for us guys. It satisfies our sexual needs while we go out and find a girl we want a real relationship with.
You know what? When he finds out that you feel this way about the whole thing he will call it off. You've crossed a line OP, to you he's more than just FWB's. You like the idea of no strings but you're not acting that way. Your expectations and your attitude towards the whole thing are far too attached. You rely on him for emotional support when all he wants is sex.
You need to take a long hard look at what it is you want, because it's obvious from your question that you want something he's not going to give you. You have a completely wrong idea of what's going on here.
Are you too old for this kind of "relationship"? It's not a relationship OP, it's a nothing. You're not too old for FWB's but you're obviously not ready for a no strings thing, you're not playing by the rules at all and I have no doubt you are going to get very hurt.
You're already feeling really hurt and let down because he didn't respond to your text. This feeling of disappointment you have now, this pain you have. Get used to it OP because it's going to happen a lot and it's going to get even worse.
You need to figure out what you really want but I can tell you, fuck buddies is not it. So either ask him to start dating properly or end this before you this gets worse. You have a lot of problems on your plate at the moment the last thing you need is to add a broken heart to that.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 The problem with FWB relationships is that there really isnt anything there but the benefits. Not even true friendship and so you can't have expectations. Yes, wait for him after work and ask him whats up with the no texts.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 I think you are just not suited for FWBs and you are putting too much heart and thought into it. FWB relationships can only go on and be a source of entertainment and pleasure , if both people can be very casual and relaxed about it, and can dispose of too many rules and regulations and expectations.
Like, If I see you I am glad and if I don't see you I am glad anyway . If you can't do that, don't even try an FWB because you are gonna have your stomech in knots all the time and eventually you are gonna get crushed.
Tomorrow wait him for a chat, if you wish, and act as if nothing happened. Because, at least from his point of view, nothing has really happened. There are no mutual obligations for anything.
I agree that he has been rude in not replying to your text- but maybe this has been is conscious or incoscious way to not to let get you too chummy. This story is not really about companionship and condivision- it's about no strings attached sex.
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