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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend recently added a girl he used to like on facebook. They originally kept in touch back in 2005, before i met him, and i think originally, they were intouch on msn, although i dont know where they first found each other. She lives in America but we live in England. He said he was attracted to her, which seems crazy to me when he only knew her online. He also said that she helped to save his life, as he was suicidal at the time, and he said " if it wasnt for her, we wouldnt have met " . My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for five years . We met later on in 2005 . We have mainly been " on " lately, as we have been back together for nine months. Last week, i snooped, even though i probably shouldnt have done, and saw that he had sent her a message asking how she was. obviously, i didnt know who she was at that point, and when he told me who she was and about when they kept intouch, i got really upset and went mad at him. I know they cant do anything together physically, but i wouldnt even like him talking to her in a flirty/sexual way, as that would be an emotional affair, which i think is just as bad. I asked him why he searched for her on facebook , and he said it just came into his mind one day . He also said that he has a right to add anyone he wants on facebook, and talk to whoever he wants. Another reason it upset me is it isnt the first time he has done this. He once added a girl he used to like at college on there. he said they were only friends, but i saw some of their comments on facebook, and the girl put kisses in her messages and he once sent her a rude application joke that had a double meaning. Their comments sometimes seemed flirty too, but he said that was just his sense of humour, but i would never act that way unless i was attracted to someone, or going out with them. He also added a girl that he liked during a time that we were split up, and told her that he liked her, but thought she was out of his league. She had also been to his apartment, but apparently, nothing happened between them. I asked him if he added this girl from America because he had a problem with me, but he said that wasn't why he did it. Another reason i am worried is because i asked him if he had spoken to her, and he said he hadnt, which was obviously a lie. I think he lied incase i went mad at him and he said " even if i had, you would misinterpret it ". I also suggested becoming her friend on there, and he said i shouldnt because he thought i would stir things up and he said i would misinterpret anything she says. That worried me because he also denied telling the girl who went to his apartment he liked that he liked her, but i know for a fact that he did tell her that.I dont understand his behaviour, but he is at home pretty much all the time. he doesnt work as he has an illness, so i wondered if perhaps he gets lonely sometimes, and the fact that we have been on and off probably hasnt helped. He is very sweet with me though. He is there for me whenever i ask him, when we are together that is.Do you think i should be worried about this ?. We have both said that we think we are well matched, and at the moment, we are trying to make a serious go of things, and stop the arguing and breaking up.
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affair, facebook, flirt, msn, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 The American girl is thousands of miles away on another continent...plus he's never met her. She's not a threat. He still talks to her because he feels like she's saved his life. Now the other girl sounds like a friend.You're taking this Facebook friends list out of proportion. I add people who I haven't talked to in forever and ex boyfriends but that doesn't mean anything.
You've answered your own question..It doesn't help that you guys are on and off so he needs a little stability in which he finds in these girls who happen to be his friends. Don't let your insecurity get the best of you, these girls are just his emotional outlet at times.
A
female
reader, Sahara z  +, writes (6 January 2011):
So long as he doesn't plan a trip to America or for her to visit, then i wouldn't worry too much. Having said that I can understand your concerns. Men can often be quite ignorant to how their girlfriends feel in situations like this. It is interesting that you say he added her as a friend on facebook (more often than not it is the girls who seem to look up all the men they know and never let go). Unbelievably sometimes men are so blind that I have known them to loose their whole relationship because of sticking up for some random girl who their girlfriend has a problem with rather than reassuring their girlfriend or even putting the other girl in place. For some reason they can get quite defensive when they don't have a really good reason for doing so, a bit of the 'women from venus-men from mars' I think. You say he has an illness which makes him spend a lot of time at home and he does not have a job, so I imagine he is lacking a little confidence (maybe even in keeping you) and if talking to this American girl helped him once when he was depressed it is possible he was feeling a little down, thought of her and then looked her up. Probably innocent and nothing more than friends. Only cause for concern is fact he didn't think that you should add her or also make a friend of her (though maybe if you were all fired up at the time he could see it all getting out of proportion!). Ideally if there is nothing in it then hopefully he will tell his American friend how happy he is that he didn't take his life all that time ago and tell her all about 'you' his wonderful girlfriend. Girls typically read into things (hence why you feel the way you do) but I assume you don't want this American girl reading into anything either. Facebook and msn can be a nightmare like that because people long distance are all the more accessible, though having said that about 20 yrs ago I had a friend who was newly married who's husband used to receive letters from a girl who was an old friend (nothing physical had ever happened between them) but he had met her on a holiday and kept in touch. He was sincere man not the cheating type but my friend hated the fact that they were married and yet this girl kept sending them every month or two. In desperation my friend used to steam open the letters, read them then reseal them and then see what her husband told her. Hardly the best situation to start a marriage but nothing ever came of it, and he was honest enough about what was written but interestingly never offered her to read them. Her husband claimed he never encouraged the girl to write but would get quite defensive as he didn't/couldn't see a problem, but I do remember the girl writing 'oh how are things with your wife? sorry i forget her name." This really wound my friend up as it made it sound like he had previously said something.(I honesty don't know if he had or if my friend was just reading into it). Far as I know he never wrote back after that one though and the letters stopped. I think if it concerns you even a little, you should talk to your boyfriend about your feelings (in a calm way try to explain how it makes you feel, be it jealous, worried, that you want to also be his friend and worry that this other girl may read into it or get in his head emotionally). Maybe ask him how he would feel if you got in touch with a male friend that you once really liked, how would he feel? I'm sure if he understands your concerns and is reassured by your feelings for him, it will make you closer. If he can be open with you about this American girl and if you can in time also make her a friend then there will be no secrets. If it was my eldest daughter in your situation (she had something similar a couple of years ago) she would get a camera and take loads of photos of her and her boyfriend, heads together, arms locked, lots of you kissing but some of just your hands locked together etc., Have a real fun time, try all the settings, candle light, black and white and some in nice locations beach/park (if you can get him out and about) and upload them onto facebook as soon as you can, and tag him!!! and comment on photos telling him how, gorgeous, hot etc my boyfriend is! - One sure way to introduce yourself! This American girl will see them, and at least she will know you exist, it will throw other girls off scent if they were interested and hopefully it will boost his confidence and yours.
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