A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really upset but wondering if I have every right to be or if my boyfriend was spot on and I need to get a grip.I have two children with my ex, we were together 8 years but then he cheated with his now wife. They got married within months of us splitting up.They've been together nearly 8 years and from what my kids have said she has a really nasty temper, she hits holes in the doors and even broke their laptop in a fit before . A few months ago they were arguing in the street and my girls really don't like her. She's unpleasant to me, whenever they argue I seem to get the brunt of it too. She sent me a 5 text essay last week and called me a c*** and a lazy b****. Well I was obviously upset so text my boyfriend about it but he had just got in to bed and said I should grow a spine. He said I was acting like a child because 'they said a bad word'. My girls told me that he said that he never wanted me he was always looking for a model...meaning his wife is better looking than me.He thinks I'm ridiculous getting upset because someone said I didn't look like a model, that's not the point, I'm upset because they keep saying things about me.Writing all of this I look like I'm coming off really week and everybody is picking on me. But in general I get on with everyone, I'm quite a happy person, but of course sometimes things get anybody down. every time I get upset my boyfriend thinks I should just grow a spine and deal with it.What are your opinions, should you just be strong and not burden other people with problems?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): If you grow a spine, grow one for your kids! You don't have to take crap from anybody; but your kids don't have to be in the middle of it either!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): They have big fights in-front of your kids! Name-calling is no big-deal! He's playing mind-games with the children. Now that should be your biggest concern.
Here's what you need to do. You can't control two full-grown adults. You can control how much he see's the kids, and how much time he gets to keep them. If they are in a hostile environment, and you're being harassed; you can get his access to the children limited to a schedule decided by a family court. It's not about you, it's about the environment around your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): I don't think I made this very clear. The reason she sent me that horrible text was because I went mental and stopped them going up there because of the way she behaves. The person I text wasn't my ex it was my current boyfriend. Who doesn't really seem to care what has happened. I'm quite upset by this all. Thanks anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): Wow I think you need to get a lawyer because the physical and verbal behaviour has crossed a line to abuse.
1) his ex-wife sounds unsafe punching holes in the wall, and frankly, I would not want my young daughters anywhere near a woman who throws the term "c---" around when she is having a tantrum. What is this teaching them about respect? This is teaching them abusive language.
2) Your ex-husband telling your daughters he never wanted you, because he always wanted someone better looking or a model?! Are you kidding me?! What is that comment teaching your daughters? He is teaching your daughters that only looks matter AND that he looked upon you as dirt the whole time he was with you he saw you as lesser because you were less attractive (supposedly- not like it's believable, but the fact that he's saying this now will have a deep impact on the girls). It is one thing to be a bum of a man who thinks these things, it is an entirely other thing to be a bum of a man who SHARES these things with his daughters...completely inappropriate, and how does he think this will make them feel? That they were the unwanted children from an unwanted "ugly" mom? That is just so disgusting that he would indoctrinate them with that sexist pig language against their own mother. I honestly would ask a lawyer about that because that cannot be tolerable, it certainly can't be good for your daughters mental health.
The way he supports and condones his new wife's aggressive behaviour is beyond concerning.
I think in this situation the best case is that you fight and win sole custody which I definitely think you have a case for given the behaviour and language that comes out of those two. Your ex husband sounds like a terrible man. I'm sorry but I think you have to do this parenting thing alone.
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female
reader, CherryR07 +, writes (11 November 2018):
First of all, definitely get legal support for your kids. They are young children who should not have to be going through what this new woman is putting them through. It's dangerous for them. Secondly, just block that woman, you don't have to have anything to do with her, because these kids are yours and your ex's, so really, you only need to keep in contact with your ex, and that should only be because of the children. Who cares what they think? He's moved on, so you should do the same.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 November 2018):
 Sounds like your ex has 3 children to deal with.
I really wouldn’t want my children anywhere near a violent woman like that. I hope she’s bought them a new laptop also? Criminal damage in front of children, she sounds classy.
As previously mentioned though, what are you expecting your ex to do? She’s free to say and do whatever she pleases. He can’t tell her otherwise so I can understand his response. Block her, you really don’t need to hear from her do you? She sounds like a horrible person and nothing you can say to her will change it, just brush it on and move forwards.
I agree with the female anon that I’d be informing your ex that if his wife cannot control her anger then meetings will be at a place that she is not invited to. I wouldn’t have my children anywhere near that kind of behaviour. I’m sure your kids will be happy to update you of what she’s like and you can progress from there. If needs be get legal support.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 November 2018):
 I have one question: how do your poor daughters cope with all this drama? If their father's new wife is so volatile that she punches holes in doors (she sounds like the worst sort of thug), they must be very scared when her temper goes.
While you have a "right" to feel whatever you feel, how you react is totally within your control, Your top priority should be protecting your daughters from physical and emotional abuse, not your hurt feelings. It would be so easy for you to come out on top here if only you could step back, realize what is happening and grasp that, actually, you have the ability to cope with this and come out the winner.
If your daughters come home and tell you their dad said he never wanted you because you don't look like a model, laugh and say "I didn't NEED model looks to produce two beautiful daughters". His new wife's looks will eventually fade. Your sunny disposition should not. You have the strength to laugh off this sad toxic pair's insults. Show your daughters BY EXAMPLE that we do not have to be affected by nasty people.
Whatever your ex and his toxic wife say about you, laugh it off in front of your daughters. As their mother, it is your job to protect them. If you think they are in danger from your ex's wife, you need to address that. Your daughters will soon be of an age where they can decide for themselves how much contact they want with their father. They will also always remember his wife being a horrible person (they will not remember her model looks!) and their mother being the calming supportive one.
Your boyfriend is right IN A WAY. You do need to toughen up, but not for HIS sake but for your own and, most importantly, that of our daughters. Sweetheart, you hold all the top cards here. USE them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): I disagree I don't think your overarching the answer is no . I would start keeping a track of these texts picture them and keep a diary on the incidents and your daughters feelings. I would also state to your ex that is she cannot control her tongue or her angry outbursts then visit will be at a neutral venue if you have to go to a solicitor so be it .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 November 2018):
 Well, I think you should grow a spine too and simply block her.
You don't HAVE to take abuse over text from her. "running" to your ex hoping he will do what? reprimand her? spank her? Tell her to not use bad words to you? You see what I'm getting at? IT IS NOT his job to police his wife's texts to you. THAT is your job, to decide what you kind of behavior you will accept. If someone called be a Bit@# or @unt, I'd block their access to me.
Any dealings about the kids are between YOU and your ex.
If you feel your kids are in danger around her, then you need to consider getting a lawyer/solicitor.
As for the whole "model business" DUDE! LADY! Stop involving your kids in this kind of petty drama. If they come home and tell you that "dad says blah blah", then shrug it off. And tell your girls that dad is entitled to his opinion. DON'T get in the gutter and want to "discuss this or get your feelings hurt, there is NO point to that kind of stuff around the kids. It's TOXIC.
And DO NOT talk smack about him OR her to your kids. BE classy!
You ex is in an semi-abusive (it sounds like) marriage and he RESENTS you for it. NOT that it's your "fault" he cheated on you with her and then was dumb enough to marry her too. THAT is his problem.
YOUR main focus in your kids, keeping them safe, BE a good role-model and NOT get into drama that is pointless.
WHO THE F cares what your ex thinks of you? YOU shouldn't. He is the piece of crap that couldn't even keep it in his pants and he thinks he is so great?
She might be "prettier" than you but again, WHO cares? she sounds like a VERY ugly person. I wouldn't give a flying Fart about her looks. What I would care about it whether the kids are SAFE around her or not.
Don't join in the teenage drama. you are a grown woman with kids, THEY are the ones who matter. Not him, nor her or ANYTHING they say about you.
YOU know who you are.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 November 2018):
 You are not burdening people by saying you are upset. In fact your ex and his wife are setting a bad example for your daughter, and giving her a bad environment to grow up in. I think all the argument started because his wife senses that he still has love for you, if he left only because you don't look like a model. Probably also because the relationship dynamics changed, after you had your daughter. He is not the center of the universe anymore. So he's looking outside to compensate for the loss of singlehood, the loss of exciting, uninterrupted sex. His wife is not having it good. She is always jealous of you so is being vindictive by calling you names. Your ex, on the other hand is in denial because he didn't want to face the fact that he made a bad investment, and is having regret that he left you for her, a foul mouthed, abusive woman who can't behave in front of children. Don't make it your problem. Make it your daughter's problem. She is all innocent in this. She should not have to suffer because of dad's bad decisions in life.
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