A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have this problem... I have this friend I've known for two years now and we always kind of liked each other. He's much older than I am and is in a relationship. Because we were such good friends, I know his girlfriend really well now too. But since a few days there is this extreme tension between my friend and me. He sends me really sexy messages all day long and asking me to have sex with him. I really, really want to and I feel like I'm about to explode, but it's so wrong... I really don't want to hurt her, but I won't be able to fight him off for long, because I really want to sleep with him... Please help me. What should I do? Be that selfish for once or be the good girl? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (2 May 2014):
You are being tempted like a moth to a flame and all you will find is destruction. You will have to live afterwards knowing that if you are ever betrayed you have no reason to feel self-righteous. Because you have hurt someone and betrayed a friend. You will feel sick with shame then! You may well get pregnant unless you take precautions. This is an onslaught of hormones. If you resist it for a couple of weeks you should be fine. If you don't You are headed for some pain and trouble. What kind of boyfriend would he be? An unfaithful one! You are in danger of becoming the sort of person that you despise. A very costly thrill at someone else's expense, but also highly costly at your own as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): I understand how difficult it can be to resist sexual temptation. But, often, what adds to the temptation is when the sex involved would be illicit/'forbidden' - it's a bit like the way that chefs sometimes add salt to chocolate, to bring out the sweetness and to add depth of flavour.But the satisfaction of knowing, in the longer term, that you resisted the temptation is far, far greater. It's a totally different feeling of satisfaction and it emits from a sense of strong self value and strong principles in regard to how you treat others, especially how you treat other women (indirectly and via refusal of their lustful boyfriends!) It doesn't really matter if the other woman ever knows that you did a good deed - what matters is that you know. Well done for resisting.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 If someone who has a girlfriend is trying to seduce you all day long, he is not a 'friend.' He is someone looking for some sex on the side of his committed relationship.
The way you deal with it is to set boundaries. In this case, I expect this will involve telling him to stop the seducing nonsense, stop the text messages, that you are not going to sleep with him. I expect he will ignore that directive from you and you will have to end the friendship. Be prepared to do that.
You're only being seduced because you want to be.
Boundaries. Set them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2014):
 There is a reason WHY you are posting this question here. WHY you are questioning yourself.
You are caught up in the excitement and attention this guy is showing you - lapping it up and basking in it - BUT you DO know right from wrong.
This isn't about being a good or a selfish girl. It's about being a good or a bad PERSON.
Do you want to be the kind of girl who end up with no female friends? Because you can't be trusted to not try and screw their BF?
Do you want to be the kind of girl who guys take advantage of? Have sex with and then pretends it never happened or that it was a mistake?
The guy is nasty. He is sending you all these SEX fantasy fueled messages, but the crux is he HAS a girl-friend. He just want a little "dirty" on the side. That would be you, though if you turn him down I have no doubt he will try it with another girl and another til he gets "lucky".
YOU would have hated yourself if you had done it. Don't do THAT to yourself.
And your friend. I think you need to have a chat about NO sexy messages. It's not right for a guy who has a partner to do this. IT IS NOT harmless flirting. I mean, LET'S say this guy was YOUR BF... how would you feel if he was sending horny messages to other girls? Wanting to have sex with them? Bet you would find that inappropriate.
RE-DEFINE your friendship with this guy. SET some boundaries.
And maybe take a good long think about what kind of guy you want to be with because if you feel so tempted by this "friend" who is a crappy ass BF - then maybe you need to re-think what kind of guy you want.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Ask yourself how you'll feel after you've scratched this itch? I think you'll feel pretty crappy: used, and miserable in the knowledge that you've betrayed yourself and his girlfriend. Keep that in mind when you read his next "sexy" text. He sounds like a creep.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right, I told him that I was not going to sleep with him as long as he is in a relationship... Even when he said that he would break up with her, I think we all know that excuse... So, I didn't do it and I'm really glad for it. It would have been just the heat of the moment and I would have broke the heart of a really nice girl. (She's not MY friend, I just know her.) Thank you all for your advice. I never thought I would ever even think about it when someone asked this of me, but if someone is seducing you all day long (and really good at that)... It's much harder to say no than you think. ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): I've never really understood these posts.
Cheating doesn't just make you selfish. It makes a you an untrustworthy person.
Not cheating doesn't make you a "good girl". It makes you a decent person.
You decide which type you'd prefer to be...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 April 2014):
This is what I never understand about sex. I love it, but I can control myself enough to know when it's right and when it's wrong. It's not worth the momentary satisfaction to feel bad about myself later.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 April 2014):
Are there really no other guys around in your life? Surely, sex is something easy to get for most girls. I can't imagine why you want to risk "who you are" as a person just to sleep with a guy who is already taken.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Are you aware of how much bad karma you are setting yourself up for if you go through with this affair? Go ahead! Try it! See what happens to you in the future, when you're married to a great guy, and then BAM! Your best friend decides to steal him from you, and as you're guzzling down a bottle of wine to drown out your misery, you'll think back to when you were younger and selfish. Yeah, the universe has no pity for people who lack integrity. What goes around comes around.
If you want each other so bad, then do the right thing. He should end his relationship with this girl first before getting it on with you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2014):
Friendship vs. 20 minutes of sex. Integrity vs. cheating.
It's kind of a no-brainer to me, but if you're struggling with it so much, perhaps this is more about a competition between yourself and the girlfriend, than about having sex with a handsome man.
After all, there are plenty of available men who would be willing to have a romp in the bedroom with you, and you wouldn't be hurting anyone. But you don't mention them, so this is really about the sneaking around and taking this man's attention away from her for that 20 minutes. It's about the thrill of pulling one over on her and the delicious notion of winning his sexual favors.
This man is a cheater, unless his girlfriend is aware of his desire to sleep with other women and agrees? He's likely to have other women in the sex text queue, lining them up like bowling pins, to knock down and then re-rack and start with a fresh bunch of willing female flesh.
I would tell him to go roll his ball in another lane, this one is closed.
But then, we get back to why you want this particular man.
You don't seem all that introspective to me, perhaps it's time to sit and think about what kind of friend and person you want to be.
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A
female
reader, tendersmile  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 All the right things are mostly hard, so don't go for him, if he is cheating on ur friend chances are he will cheat on u. channel ur energies towards someone else, I mean come on there must be a lot of other great guys out there, who are avaialable, instead of just stealing ur friend's boyfriend.
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