A
female
age
30-35,
*jessicathejedi
writes:So me and my boyfriend recently broke up. Maybe about 1 week ago. Our relationship has been very difficult, we dated for a little over a year. (14 months) our biggest issue was trust. I have caught him texting other girls throughout the relationship. My bf is 20 years old but he can be very immature. We argue a lot about stupid things because we don't communicate properly. One thing I did that was completely wrong was always breaking up and getting back with him like an hour or two later over our petty fights. After 1 year he became what seems to be very tired of dealing with our relationship (not that he ever really did) when I would clearly be upset about something he would kind of try to ignore it or would have nothing to say. He doesn't seem to want to do the work in a relationship, I feel like I do it all on my own. I got tired of it and broke up with him last week. 3 days later we started talking and hungout like 3 times this past week, we were intimate.. We talked about working on our relationship as friends so we have less pressure, I was still feeling like crap because I got scared he would go around doing whatever he wants instead of working on us so I cut it off completely. 3 days later we started talking again and we met up it was very emotional, he seemed very torn. He claims to not know what he wants. He says he might not be ready for a relationship but I just don't know what to do because I feel like he just wants to go around and sleep around and then I'm just stuck here waiting for him to be done? He claims to eventually want to get back with me. I just don't know how to move on with my life because I want to be with him so badly and the break up that was supposed to make us appreciate each other more back fired me and now it seems like he wants to be single, even though he promised not to sleep with anyone. I'm just so confused and heartbroken.
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (2 May 2014):
Do not make the mistake of sacrificing your life on this. Enjoy your life. Do not give it another thought. Let him get on with things and go get everything you want for your life. If you meet someone worthy you will know. He can not be what you want. He is too young and one day he will look your way again. Hopefully you won't still be waiting and will have moved way past into something amazing.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 You write: "...After 1 year he became what seems to be very tired of dealing with our relationship ..."
Count your Blessings that you got a year out of this relationship. From the school-yard antics that you've describe, I assure you that most men wouldn't have lasted more than a month or two...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 I think he never really thought of himself as being 'taken' or 'off the market.' That's why he kept on with the texting other girls. He wasn't really ready to be a proper boyfriend.
Your expectations of him are unrealistic, based on his actions and all the 'petty fights.' Your desperation and wishful thinking are overriding your logic and inner wise woman.
I think a great big step back is in order here and you need to look at this situation without the desperate longing to be in a relationship as the theme. Cold clear eyes would see that he's not boyfriend material for you, not at this time and possibly not ever. It's hard to face that reality.
I would get all my besties and family to support me through the breakup's mourning process. It may be rocky for a few weeks but out on the other side, you'll come to realize he wasn't *the one*....
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2014):
 You two need to step away from each other. It hasn't worked in the past and it won't work for you two any time soon (if at all).
If you spend more time fighting over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING (petty or not) it's a pretty clear sign that you are not good for each other. Relationships aren't about fighting each other constantly to "win" arguments or "get" your way.
Relationships are about love, honesty, trust, communication and compromising.
Some people mistake fighting for passion. YOU can have passion coming out of your ears, and NOT fight with your partner. And you can fight constantly and have no ACTUAL passion.
LOOK back and LEARN from this relationship. So you will NOT repeat the same mistakes.
IT takes two to "row" the relationship boat. So if you are having problems, and only ONE of you are trying to sort it out, you will be going in circles. THAT is what is happening to you two.
You CAN NOT keep taking him back thinking:" OH it will be better this time". It's like banging your head against a brick wall and presuming that NEXT time it won't hurt. BUT IT WILL.
If you two CAN NOT resolve WHY you fight so much, you will CONTINUE to fight when you are together. Just like the head and the brick wall = pain.
IF a guys says.. I do NOT think I'm ready for a relationship, then he ISN'T ready. Which means.... HE isn't DATING or BF material. IF YOU want a BF then he ISN'T it. It's pretty simple, really.
He WANTS to be single for now. And I think that is a good idea. He doesn't know what he wants or how to make it work, so it IS better if he doesn't get into relationships. HE is not mature enough for one. And maybe.. you are not either.
You think it's LOVE that makes you take him back over and over, but I think it's more of a combination of fear of being alone, and better the "devil" you know - familiarity with this guy. You know what you get when dating him.
MY advice to you is to END it 100% with this guy. Don't try and be friends (because you two can't be friends right now). Let him go 100% out of your life. No text, calling, Facebooking, IM'ing, chatting... NOTHING. CUT the contact.
TAKE some time - I'd say a good 3-4 months and mull over what YOU did "wrong" in the relationship and HOW you can avoid repeating your mistakes. Take some time to mull over WHAT you want in a partner. And WHAT you DO not want and WILL NOT accept (deal-breakers) - like cheating, lying, texting other chicks, drugs, stealing and so forth. And then NEXT time you find yourself in a relationship STAND up for your beliefs and yourself.
You are so young to stagnate waiting on a guy who isn't good for you, to grow up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Reality check- high time to let go.
He does not want to " work on the relationship ", ( tbh, what 20 y.o. guy would want that ? ), he wants to be free and unfettered AND count on you to still be there when he wants you ( because I am not saying that he does not care at all, I 'm sure that he likes you and in 14 months he has developped some sort of attachment ).
He'll be back with you ...eventually ? But life is NOW. Now he is not available to you, not in the way you want, not in a way which would make you happy,- so , he just is not an option. Unless you wants more worry, anxiety and misery.
If " eventually " he wants to come back , for a serious relatonship,... " eventually " if you are eventually free , and eventually still would consider dating him, ... eventually you can try it again. In othet words, if it has to happen it will happen.
But keeping your life on hold, and your feelings stuck, on the vague words of an immature kid who just rediscovered the sweet taste of freedom and singlehood, would be insane.
Without counting though that your relationship did not seem to work that much even at the best of times. I am willing to bet there was much chemistry and attraction, but not any real compatibility, otherwise , why fighting so often ?
You see, the problem is not that maybe you handled conflict improperly, or that you should have nagged less, or being less impulsive in breaking up,... the problem wasn't even that he was not willing to hear your grievances out .... the problem was that there was so much conflict, and so many grievances to begin with !
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 April 2014):
I mean no offense but the two of you are just not right for each other. You are both immature and you look for things in each other that neither of you have. I think the sooner you accept...well..anything, then you should be able to move on. There is no real recipe for moving on. You either chose to move on and stay away or you don't.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 April 2014):
You blew it with the constant break ups. It undermines the foundation of your relationship, it's not a tool to be used to gain leverage.
The truth, which I'm sure you're aware of, is that you guys are not a good couple. Love is meaningless without happiness. There are plenty of guys that you can fall in love with who will make you happy. Don't waste any more time with the wrong person.
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