A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having this mental block recently where not having sex has made me postpone plans about my life.I was a very awkward kid and didnt become more comfortable in myself until recently. I have one ex girlfriend but we never had intercourse just oral sex. Its been 5 years that I've barely kissed a girl. I went on a coupke dates this month with different girls(off Tinder) but its moving slowly. I am starting rotations soon and people expect me to be grown up about it and start to look for a long term gf and get married soon. I'm a virgin at 23 and it really bothers me. All my friends have had sex. Some have had lots. And sex is important to me, esp knowing I'm good for her and that I can have it often. My confidence is low because of it. I've tried everything but until I have sex I wont feel better.I also don't want to have a LTR/Fiance/kids for another 20 years now that I'm so behind with sex.I feel the need to catch up and think I wont want to be steady until I've had lots and lots of sex.Is this normal? Some people who have had sex tell me they expect me to have a nice girlfriend and that really annoys me considering theyve had lots of n ostrings sex and I'm here lonely and unwanted.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 July 2016):
 OP, you're dating! For crying out loud; see the positive progress! :P
You made it sound like you're always alone with no dating experience whatsoever!
You're at a perfectly good place, OP, you just need to train your mind to realise that and to stop thinking you're behind - you're really not!
Enjoy dating, see if you're compatible, figure out if you want the same things in a relationship and go from there :) don't ruin it by focusing on sex, though, as it's a natural progression for most relationships, so leave it as a side thought, rather than a worry or goal.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016): Hi Honeypie, The therapist narrowed it down for me. I was raised to treat women very well and when I hit adolescence and people started to have sex, I felt like I had to change to have sex too because no one would want to have sex with a guy like that.I don't view women as you describe knowingly, but think I have to because its what guys that are celebrated as being good with women do. I'd much rather have a girlfriend to treat well.So I wanted to emulate the 'cold, masculine, distant player' instead when I was younget. I just wasnt comfortable with people thinking I'm a good guy'. And I dont mean the guy eho does nice things for a girl to have sex with him. Those guys are creeps. My cousin actually sat me down to talk to me about this recently. Said that at the house party I went to with him July 4th, I was fronting and trying to cover my own personality to fit in by using a front because the girls there were partying sorority girls and I wanted to fit in to the mold of guy they'd like. He described it as a good guy trying to fit in with party animals. I equate 'good guy' with someone women want as a friend and not as a hookup/boyfriend. So I became self loathing because of it and tried to fake being 'bad'. I also equated being a male virgin(involuntarily+not being religious) as a terrible thing because everyone made it sound that way. I thought its easier to believe that theres something wrong with me not having sex than just not meeting the right girl yet.I know its hard to convince you after seeing me for years trying to fake who I am. But thats really how I feel about it.I don't see women as disposable, and not as sex objects either. I'm desperate for affection from the opposite sex. Not even sex... kissing,cuddling etc too. I regret not having the same dating timeline as others, and feel I missed out on a lot on all the dating in college people do. And the couple of girls I did get close to either lied to me or cheated on me and that compounded my trust issues about whether a girl likes me or not. This is my problem solved. Thats why I did the things I did/tried to change to be the opposite of who I am. But I wasnt/still hesitant being me because it feels like a harder dating life than if I was as heartless as my friends. Hard not to be cynical with more time. Some of them treat their ONS terribly, and I couldnt imagine doing that to a girl, but also want to have sex in this lifetime and have conflicting messages all over about who I am supposed to be to find a woman into me above others.Thats all. As for postponing life, I'm far from marriage/kids anyway so no point talking about that topic for now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2016):
 Life isn't fair OP, not does it owe you anything.
You ask if you should postpone things because you don't get sex? Are you seriously thinking that the World will wait on you to achieve that "goal" ? That is not how it works.
There are MANY virgins out there you age, some older, some younger.
You still don't get that YOUR value as a human being IS NOT tied to how many women you have stuck your penis in.
BUT like I always answer your posts... the REASON you aren't "getting "lucky is your ATTITUDE towards women. You have a severely messed up view of HALF the Worlds population. Like we are walking vaginas for men to use so THEY can because more "manly".
Have you talked with your therapist about your attitude towards women and sex? Were you HONEST with your new therapist?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 July 2016):
Being a virgin *is* okay - that's the truth, not the politically correct response.
What messed up your view of women that you have to have sex with many before you settle down, but might not even want to settle down after having options to sleep with? If you think there's nothing wrong with women, then you need to work on your thinking so that sex isn't the only thing you think about.
Find another therapist and get deep into the roots of why you're so desperate to have sex, why you may not settle down with the first one, even if you're well-matched, why you have such a negative view of not having had sex before, why "virgin" is such a bad word for you, why you'll compare yourself to women's past partners, without even knowing them, etc.
You need to change your thought with a therapist's help or you will continue sabotaging yourself and have a a much bigger "problem" (in your eyes) on your hands.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016): OP here again, I have to mention I did switch therapists for a younger one who seemed to speak to me less clinically and more personally. I'm trying exercises now to stop the negative thought patterns but have lapses where I'm at a party or see a couple and I start to feel sad.
Jls022, I actually came to a conclusion last month that it isn't no strings sex I WANT. My therapist and I narrowed down that I love the feeling of having someone next to me, and having a girlfriend to treat well, to support each other, and for us to be attracted to each other. In fact, I would probably enjoy lots of sex with the same girl a lot more than with randoms. I think I'm genuinely improving.
I like being humble externally, but to prove a point, my ex did drunk dial me 6 months ago while in a club bathroom and she was crying saying I was the only boyfriend she ever had who treated her like a queen. Obviously we couldn't get back together over distance/moving one etc, but that did raise my mood a lot and I still felt bad for her.(she broke up with me to be single in college).
I first made this connection when I talked to a close female friend about relationships. She knew of my issues with dating and asked if I was ok with one night stands. I said "given how many options I have now, I'd have to be, but I'd have to like the girl enough to want to see her again or at the least take her out for breakfast and stay friends with her afterward'.
I realized that a one night stand wouldn't be my preferred option. It's just a desperation idea because I beat myself up over how I'm behind in dating compared to others. Not that that is a healthy mindset either just a new realization I made. I think a good lesson this celibacy taught me is how to really treasure the girl I'm with because she chose me over other options, while some of my friends who get around don't really care if they do anything for the girl.
I think I'm improving a lot. I'm actually dating now too. I'm seeing one girl for a second date next week. There is this other girl I went on two dates with so far but no exclusivity so far. She plays soccer like me, has really nice eyes, and wants to go into the FBI. I think a few more dates(if it goes that far) and I'll like to hear their opinions on exclusivity. Things are looking up but I wish they would go faster.
I guess my original question is if the fear of missing out could cause people to postpone life altering decisions like marriage, but I got advice a different way here. I like where I am headed in life and just want an equally great woman and a happy life(sex life too) to be a part of that.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (17 July 2016):
I'd also like to add that as a woman who has been single for around a year, the number of guys that openly expect no strings sex is starting to really annoy me.
The majority of men I meet nowadays act almost entitled about sex. As if it's their right as a man to sleep with dozens of women before settling down - as if our bodies are playthings for them to enjoy then discard as it pleases them. They all say 'but I'll please you sexually so it's equal', but you know what OP? It's not. I'd much rather satisfy myself than have sex with some random who doesn't give a crap about me, who is only interested in boosting his own ego and bragging rights. Especially since (if the posts on here are anything to go by) so many men also seem to believe a woman's 'market value' deteriorates the higher her 'number' gets.
Plus, as I'm sure you've heard, women are harder to please in bed and sex doesn't feel good to me AT ALL unless there are feelings involved. Many of my friends say the same. It's not the mechanics of sex we are there for, it's the connection. Yet despite the fact these men are offering me nothing that I want, so many of them get mad when i won't give them sex.
Of course there are some women who are into casual sex, but in my experience those women are in the minority. For the rest of them, you are offering the opposite of what they want AND you're doing it for your own selfish reasons. Then you complain that things are just so unfair for you...
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (17 July 2016):
Have you never considered that people who have had casual sex are the exact people you should listen to about these matters? They will know better than anyone that having sex is not going to magically fix your issues with your self esteem and self acceptance.
To be honest I'm a bit worried about you OP. You've been trapped in this pity party for years now and it only seems to be getting worse. You've had some excellent advice that you repeatedly choose to ignore, instead preferring to focus on how unfair it is that women aren't lining up to have sex with you so you can feel better about yourself.
I know you said you've tried therapy but I suggest you find a different therapist and try again. And by try again I mean try to fix your thought patterns, not try to find ways to pick up women. It seems you are stuck and I think professional help is the only way you will fix this.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 July 2016):
I think counselling may help you, OP, because postponing your life because you're not having sex should not even enter your mind.
If you're lonely, make friends, go out, start dating. Being hung up on virginity and sex will just hinder you. Taking your focus away from that and not letting it control your life will really help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016): OP here, I didnt mean career goals/or anything like that. I'm going to have a strong career/travel and do my thing. I meant solely the "meet girlfriend, get engaged, get married have kids life events"
I dont think I'd be comfortable if the next girl I meet we hit it off and she has 10x the experience I do. I'll always double guess myself and try to compare to her exes/previous partners. Especially if they were the type who knew how to get around and date many women. Would feel inadequate.
Some of my friends have been intimate with 20+ girls and I cant help thinking if we ever wanted to date the same girl I'd lose every time.
On the other hand, I'm not sure I would ever know when I've been around enough if I do start to date casually to want to settle down. I might fall in love with the fact that I have options and never settle. That wasnt my plan but its beginning to look like I'd be bitter if I had to settle down with the next girl that likes me.
I wanted to know if these are normal thoughts. And if not what I do, I've been to a therapist and the gist is there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. But thats a politically correct answer.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 July 2016):
Don’t give in to peer pressure or try to conform to what you think others expect of you. Instead of asking what is or isn’t normal, you need to be focussed on what is right for you. Having lots and lots of sex isn’t going to make you relationship material any more than you are now: it’s only one part of a loving relationship. Some people need the stability of a loving relationship before they can consider having sex, because they equate sex with emotions. Other people find it much easier to sleep around and choose to play the field before they settle down. A girl won’t be interested in your tally of notches on your bedpost, but the kind of person you are. Good sex is only half about technique: it’s also about good communication and trying to listen and please each other. When you meet the right girl, she will take you and accept you as you are. And if you aspire to make her happy in and out of bed, the rest you can learn.
As for postponing your life plans, that’s something you most certainly shouldn’t be doing. Focus on these plans: fulfil your ambitions, meet people, make new friends, have fun and learn to grow more in confidence. I’m telling you now, as a virgin myself, that having sex isn’t going to suddenly make you uber-confident. Learning about yourself, taking on new challenges, meeting a variety of people and working towards your goals in life will very much do so. It’s those things that will make you more relationship-ready when the right girl comes along, not rushing to have sex. There’s no age after which it’s unacceptable to be a virgin. There’s also no rules about how girls will respond, but the ones that are right for you will respect it.
I wish you all the very best.
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