A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a good, hardworking father who loves me and our children. He has also previously been physically and emotionally abusive toward me and on a much lesser scale our daughter. I know I should have left then but I wanted so badly to fix everything and make our family into everything I thought the kids deserved, so I worked hard and he honestly did too. The thing is, he has changed. For the better. Over the course of our five year marriage things have gotten better and better and he is a truly amazing dad and devoted husband. The argument that abuse always gets worse is not valid in this case as I have seen personally the changes he has made. My problem is forgiveness. I don't love him the way i should as a wife. I am guarded and deeply angry about the past. I have no desire for sex (which we do anyway though it makes me very anxious) or a deep emotional connection, though we are very good friends and I enjoy spending time with him. I feel like I want a divorce. But I feel very selfish because I don't want to take this family that my children deserve and tear it apart. Logically, the worst is behind us and we can have the life that we dreamed of. Financially we are much better off together. But my emotions are not on board. I don't love my husband romantically and I don't really want to. However, he is a good man who works hard professionally and personally every day to serve his family. I feel so selfish for wanting to leave. But I am so unhappy. Does anyone have any advice or insight into what I should do?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 I am sorry you are going through this. I know I've wrestled with decisions like this too.
Your reasons are certainly valid and I think you've thought a lot about the pros and cons -- which is good. Sometimes people jump down the divorce route way too quickly without realizing there is an incredibly high price to pay.
That being said, long-term married couples often become just friends. The lust / sex usually fades and it becomes perfunctory as life and time advance. Divorcing your husband and finding a new mate -- will likely fix that but I suspect that too will likely get stale.
Ultimately, the decision on whether to leave, or not, is going to be up to you and what you are willing to pay for the freedom. Yes, there will be guilt, new parent(s) in your child's life, and monetarily you will suffer. On the other hand, you might be able to find a spark or new light in your life.
My suggestion to you is to seek out help. Not as a couple, but for you personally. Having a therapist to talk to every now and then can help you find happiness in your current situation -- or help give you the strength and conviction to know you are making a good decision for you and your family. A good therapist might also lend an emotional hand when (and if) it comes to parting ways.
"Thinking" about this will only drive you crazy. So either work on your marriage, find other sources of happiness in your life, accept what you've got, or at least start the process of getting emotional support through a therapist and see what works for you.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): Did you ever get counseling after the abuse? The resentment you feel is no doubt due to the trauma caused by his abuse. You didn't go into it, but it was probably both psychological and physical abuse. That kind of pain and trauma doesn't just go away. You lived in fear and humiliation. I am so sorry you and your daughter had to endure that. There is no easy way of telling how much she was emotionally affected either by witnessing your abuse; or from what she personally experienced. I honestly do feel some counseling together would be good for both of you.
He actually made the effort to change. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to continue loving him; but you do have to reach the point you can forgive; so you can move on from the pain and anger you may be burying deep down. It will resurface in future relationships unless it is dealt with. It doesn't just go away. You must face it and conquer it. You must regain your inner-peace. You have a child to raise. You share that responsibility with her father; therefore, your family requires healing. For the child's sake.
There is no back-story as to what created the beast in your husband. Be it from substance-abuse, alcoholism, or he himself is a victim of childhood-abuse. In any case, if he has had no professional-help; he may only be a ticking time-bomb at rest. You family as a unit needs to seek counseling to make sure everyone recovers from that past.
I suggest that you find out why you cannot forgive. You know the reason for your resentment. You still have to be able to move forward, regain trust to carry-over to future relationships; and you have to deal with whatever trauma that has buried itself deep within your psyche. This is necessary so it will not manifest itself in some other form of behavior. You set the example for your daughter, so you have to be at your best in every way. You must be sure you are fit for the task.
You may discover things about yourself that will expedite your healing process. The outcome of this situation may be different from what you may be considering now. Even if you still leave him; you deserve to have your inner-peace. You should be able to move on as a complete, happy, and healthy woman. You daughter deserves the most stable environment every child should have.
I wish you the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): I applaud you for not staying in a sham of a marriage and staying true to your feelings. So many people stay in the comfort zone forever and eventually something gives. Usually an affair. Sometimes the affair is the beginning of the end. Sometimes not. Most times the married spouse ends it and stays married. Until the next affair. So they keep applying band aids to a failing marriage. One they were not honest enough to walk away from in the first place because of fear. So many fears. So, to be honest with yourself and your husband and doing the right thing before the wrong thing happens is very honourable and brave. You have to live your life for you. At the end of the day, you must be happy. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for others. You will end up bitter and resentful and end up leaving anyway. Is it not better to do it now than drag it out for years, which will cause more hurt and pain all around?Of course many couples are better off together financially. This is one of the downsides of separating. And the reason many stay married. But these people who do stay married for financial reasons are sacrificing their true happiness. They are settling for a room mate. No passion. No real love or connection anymore. And this is setting yourself up for failure. Yes, you are set financially. But money does not keep you warm at night. It does not make you feel alive or ignite or satisfy your deepest, most passionate desires and craving for human love and connection. You are taking the harder road. One which many people do not have the guts to do. I admire that. Just so you know, I did exactly the same thing. And I am happy I did. There will be some challenges but you get over them. And once the dust settles, you will be looking at a brand new chapter in your life. With the promise of happiness. New adventures. Which is what you have been seeking all along.I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 August 2016):
 Have you tried all you can to work on the marriage? The thing is I don't think marriage should be taken lightly, especially when the children are involved. Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel, or even tried marriage counselling? I get that he has come a long way, but I guess you cannot force yourself to love him. I think you should try seeing a counselor first, either on your own or with your husband to make sure it is really what you want before you divorce him then regret it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): I am the op
There is nobody else on my radar. I know my husband loves me and is devoted to me. I personally feel extremely anxious when I imagine spending our future together especially after the kids are no longer so dependent.
The physical side of the abuse was fairly serious at the time. I guess I just have trouble wanting to repair trust after that.
But as parents we are fairly good together.
I have no desire to ever date a man again or to get involved with anyone while my kids are young but it would be nice to look forward to a future with someone that I love and trust. I want to be touched by someone who doesn't make me tense up and it would be lovely to share a bed with someone that I love and respect.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (19 August 2016):
 I often think that as marriages develop over time the contract needs to be redrawn. What you wanted and enjoyed when young can change over time. As couples grow into later life then companionship is as important as romance once was.
Sharing a life with a person you know and trust, and indeed love, but perhaps not in the same way as you once did, can be rewarding.
However at your age you may well be looking ahead and thinking I have another 40 years at least. Am I prepared to settle for what I have, or should I make a leap?
If there is another man on your radar? That could well influence your decision.
In the meantime - while you make your decision - fill your life with good experiences. Don't waste a minute.
I would be interested to know how your husband feels. Is he in for the long haul, or would he like a second shot at love?
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A
female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (19 August 2016):
I would advice that you engage in a self reflection and ask for a third party input (priest, counselor or trusted friend/family) on how to learn to forgive yourself and your husband. I think you are feeling regretful for not taking the chance then to leave him and because of that you can't appreciate the good things that is in front of you. It will take time to heal. For some months, for others years. There's no set rule, its when you find peace in yourself that you'll know you've healed. Here are my advice:- pin down the specific things that makes you distant from your husband and talk to him about it. Dont hold it in. You and your husband are a team. - think of the situation from his point of view so you can find empathy or appreciate the strides in changes that he has done to save your marriage. Dont think about yourself. It will be easier to replace hate with love. - make time for yourself. Have a quiet day or girls day out. To appreciate yourself. Not as a mom, a wife, a daughter etc. Just to remember who you are. Maybe that will erase the anger/pain that you are feeling inside your heart.- save your marriage if you want, but save it for the right reasons or in the end, someone will still be hurt. I have friends who decided to stay or leave their husbands with kids and either decision has made them happy because they know deep inside what they want/ need in their life. Last thing you want is making a BIG decision like this that will not only affect you but others too AND regret it later.
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