A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my bf for the past 3 1/2 months and I love him so much and he loves me. but recently he lost his cousin in a car accident. He was acting fine all day yesterday and then my friend called me. He is gay and he lives across the country. Then my friend gave him the if you hurt her I hurt you speech to him. then when I hung up he stopped talking to me. He stopped talking to his mom and sister too. He was fine when he was playing video games with his friend but then when he got off he was acting weird. and I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what to do. This is the first time he has ignored me since we have been together. what should I do????@?!!?!?!?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2016):
 His cousin just died and YOUR friend threaten him with death? I can see why your BF have cooled his affections. Seriously.
It's not CUTE for a male friend of yours to do that. And I agree your friend owe him an apology.
Had it been your brother and in no way mistaken as anything but a jest I might have felt a guy could let it slide, but your BF is dealing with grief and then have to deal with drama and shit from YOUR end too? Come on.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 ...So you let your friend threaten your boyfriend over the phone? No wonder he's not talking to you. That speech isn't cute, it's a threat you can take to the police and get a restraining order with.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 August 2016):
 " If you hurt her I hurt you " ? WTF ? I thought this was some silly movie cliche', I'd never thought anybody would use it IRL ( unless they are in the Mafia of course ): Also because threatening people of causing them bodily harm is a crime- your bf was a real gentleman to let it glide and not press charges.
And you wonder why he was a bit off ? What, he gets threatened by some self styled goon friend of yours, and he can't even be a little annoyed ?- Sure , it was not your fault that your friend said that- but let's say that it's your fault for choosing and keeping awful friends, and let them mess with your bf in a moment like this . You are lucky, OP. Another man could have get so pissed to just dump you on the spot, just in order to avoid the drama and the Mafia-talking company YOU keep !
But then, btw,... how come your gay friend just came up with this little speech, all of a sudden, out of the blue, in reference to... nothing ?...
Let me guess, it won't be, by any chance, that you have kvetched with your friend because your bf has been distant, not so attentive, coldish ?....
Sheesh, OP. It is not always about you 24/7 , you know ?. Even if he loves you to bits.
The guy just had a shock, it's not " weird " that it takes him a little time to absorb it. It's always a death in his family, and a sudden, unexpected death, a traumatic event in any case even if they were not particularly close- imagine if they were close.
Let him be, let him breathe, let him process his loss and find relief how he can ; video games, and silence, included.
Just because you have decided that he should still be lovey-dovey even in the wake of a death in the family, and that by now he should be over it, and most of all , over it all in one time, without any setbacks and flashbacks... that's your opinion, but not necessarily it is right, or fair to your bf.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (19 August 2016):
What's with your gay friend!!??!! Why did he say this? If he said that to me (as your bf) I could only think that you'd told him (your gay friend) that I was somehow treating your poorly. Your boyfriend has a right to be ticked either way: 1) he has treated you nicely and does not deserve the comment, or 2) he has treated you poorly at times but is mad that you are discussing your relationship with your gay friend.
Your post doesn't give us all the info on what's going on here but, from what you've written, I see the death of your bf's cousin as adding to the problem, not being its source. At your bf's age, he is very likely going thru his first or one of his first experiences of losing a close family member. Also, at his age we usually we see older relatives die, and it can be more unexpected and difficult to see someone of the same age die.
If your bf was the one writing to us about this and there was no reason for your gay friend to make such comment to him, I can see your bf being highly suspicious of you and angry. Your gay friend seems like a nitwit...out of place with his comment and certainly having poor taste, especially given the timing of this. But again, we don't know all the facts.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 I hope your boyfriend can pull through his grief, he must be going through a tough time at the moment having to deal with such a loss.
Why your friend would talk to him about hurting you while he is grieving really is beyond me, what a selfish thing to say to your boyfriend at a time like this, this relationship is new and he is mourning a family member he has lost, he does not need someone giving him that sort of lecture, you should have told your friend to be quiet and apologize for his behavior.
He is no doubt playing video games to distract him from the world. Allow him time alone to come to terms with what has happened. Don't suffocate him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 August 2016):
 Grief has stages and it is a terrible time for those suffering grief. It takes time to work through all those feelings.
I think an Unexpected death is crushing and shocking an plunges a person into grief. Although similar grieving occurs with an anticipated death, at least you have a chance to prepare for the grief.
Your Bf is suffering grief and he may well benefit from some counselling.
Something he never wanted and never expected has happened.
Just let him know that when he is ready to talk you will be ready to listen.
You have done nothing wrong.
Your boyfriend is hurting really bad inside.
He is retreating from everyone trying to make sense of how he is feeling.
He needs some professional grief counselling but he may be resistant to seeking that help. Plus his family is also no doubt dealing with their own grief and he may not want to burden them becauses he knows that they too are hurting.
It will take time.
I know that is hard on you but hopefully, with good support, he can recover from this terrible loss.
You are seeing, perhaps for the first time, how terrible grief can be for a loved one.
Your Bf does not mean to hurt you but his feelings are so raw that he is not himself at the moment.
Grief becomes less draining with time, but how long a person grieves depends on each person and how resilient they are. Good emotional support helps. Knowing someone loves them helps too.
But he's not in a position yet to ''give back'' much while he's hurting so bad.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 He's just lost a family member, it's not hard to work out why he's ignoring you. He needs alone time to grieve, I don't think it's anything to do with you.
And what the hell was your friend playing at? What a bizarre thing to say at such a time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016): Your boyfriend's feelings were hurt because he thinks you and your gay friend have been discussing him. He is going through his grief and the video games were merely a distraction.
For one thing, it's not about you. He's not acting weird. He's grieving, and someone just hit him in the gut.
He was hiding his sadness and burying how he really felt to begin with.
He just got kicked when he was down, my dear. Now everything has hit him all at once, and he feels vulnerable. He's trying to appear tough. So just back-off, and keep your opinions regarding "weirdness" to yourself for the time being. Be kind and supportive, but don't baby him.
Your friend's protective warning was poorly timed and may have been unnecessary. If he has never met the guy, who is he to be issuing warnings anyway? He was out of line and actually owes your boyfriend an apology, considering he was aware of his recent family tragedy. He should have issued his condolences, not tell him how to treat you. It's none of his business, while living across the country anyway.
Your friend owes your boyfriend an apology. I suggest you apologize on his behalf, or you may find yourself fresh out of a new boyfriend. Grief is a person's pain for a loss. In your boyfriend's case, it was a tragic loss of a family member.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 August 2016):
 Why on earth would your friend tell him not to hurt you when he's just lost his cousin?! Why would you let him?
He's grieving the loss, so give him space - you're new in his life, his cousin was family. He's even ignoring other family members, so let this be about him and wait until he contacts you.
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