A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My ex fiance was back in contact after 20 yrs. When we were engaged i would do anything for her. We broke up because of unknown reasons. When got back in touch what she told me was disturbing. Here is the list. She was prego by me but lost it. Her mom threatened to kill her if she told me and forced her to dump me. She had a kid with another man who abandoned her and is not paying support. She was with another guy who beat and raped her and molested her daughter. Because of the abuse she is blind in one eye. And her mom on her death bed admitted to murdering her dad when she was 7. Is it wrong for me to feel guilty because i wasnt there to protect her all these years? I feel that if i had married her back then her life would have been so much better. I want to be a part of her life again but i think she lost all trust in men.
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broke up, engaged, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): You posted your story on here on DC “Should I remain married if I am still in love with my first love?, Nov 9 2009” are you saying that you have NOW decided to CHOOSE YOUR WIFE instead of your lover and now feeling guilty. I think you should feel guilty that you are wasting your wifes life and kids lives. Your first priority is for your family and since you have not done this , do now question about your lovers life.
Please ask yourself: WHAT DO I REALLY WANT, WIFE OR LOVER? You can’t have both, one has to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is sad that all these bad things has happened in your lovers life but she needs to make peace with her lot in life and not STEAL another womans husband. I think because of her hard life she should try to live a decent life instead of messing with a married man.
OP, please link your story of the 9th, to give the aunts here the true story of your sordid affair. you have been a horrible hb to your wife, you blame her for not wanting to have sex with you when YOU cheated on her with this woman. you broke your wifes heart and all you can think of is your lover.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): With all due respect, sir, in your other thread you said you wanted to be with her because she is your first love and want to have with her the family that you couldn't- and this was something you would be willing to sacrifice your current family (divorce from wife) for if it didn't mean losing your kids in the process (your words exactly)Now you mention a series of tragic events that have happened to this woman, and as sorry as I am, it changes your motives for leaving your wife from "return to first love" to "atonement for this woman's unfortunate past". You should try to re-read TISHA's advise on that thread. She always hits the heart of the matter...^^HERE IS A QUOTE...READ THE REST TOO"Life was not fair to you and your ex. It was terrible what happened then. There's no way to go back and do it over again. There, that is the past.Here we are, in the present, looking at the future. You chose to get married and have chidren. You have put yourself in this place."********************************************Your choice remains the same: Even though the past is out of your control or anyone of us, you either divorce your wife to be with this woman and start a family with her (and suffer the repercussions of your actions), or you decide to stay in your marriage and try to make it work- So how will you reconcile past- present- future. Whatever you come up I don't think you can fulfill everybody's needs, so choose the one thing that will put you out of this self-imposed purgatory and deliver everyone else in the process from the burden of unresolved feelings weighing upon you all. -g
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah  +, writes (12 November 2009):
It's not wrong to feel guilty but guilt is an unpleasant emotion which nobody likes to experience. But you shouldn't feel guilty - these were events that you had no control over. Ypu could never have known these things would happen and they are not your fault. Remind yourself of this when you feel guilty for not having been there
But you're here now. Tempting as it may be, it's probably not the best time for you to pursue a relationship with her but she could sure do with a dependable friend. Maybe with time you can help her see that not all guys are bad...
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