A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a healthy, regular sex life. My only concern is that sometimes he likes to gently use a blindfold, tie ups and a ball gag. I like the blindfold and being tied up, but I don’t love the gag. Is it a red flag that he even wants to use this? We’ve talked about the whole BDSM, dom/sub dynamic, pain in the bedroom and he was aghast. He said “I just think a little bit of gentle bondage is fun, but I’m not intensely into it. I would never want to do anything that hurts”. I’m going to sound like a prude, but I’m fine with vanilla sex. I own a vibrator and enjoy incorporating that into sex occasionally. I’m not sure I would be forever, but the gag makes me feel odd. I know if I told him that, he would NEVER use it again. I’m just trying to be a good sport and keep things interesting. We’ve only used those toys twice, and he’s usually eager to go for regular sex. He made a comment last night that those accessories are time consuming. My question is- does this mean my boyfriend has some subconscious problem or is this a red flag? He said he doesn’t really want to wear it, so is he a misogynist?? He’s not controlling AT ALL in our relationship and is very sweet and supportive. I feel things are fair and equal in our relationship in terms of gender and I feel very respected. He never wants me to be worried or concerned about things. I guess I’m just sort of a prude and was unfortunately raised in a house that didn’t promote or normalize sex. It wasn’t talked about much and I always felt dirty about even having a sexual drive. My parents are wonderful people, but they were super traditional in that regard. I have an issue where I’m constantly looking for red flags or problems in my relationship. Things are going really well, and I’m just not used to that either. I’m not looking to stop using the gag. We use it so rarely (and for only a few minutes when we do) and I get pleasure by doing things he likes in bed occasionally. I just want to make sure I shouldn’t be concerned that he enjoys that sometimes. Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2020): OP, if you are on a truly equal footing, why do you not speak up and honestly tell him what is on your mind? You should not ever do anything, sexual or otherwise, unless you are comfortable doing so! No matter the reason ie, red is not your color? You hate having an apple shoved in your mouth? You are afraid he will leave you tied up and you cannot shout for help? Even if it just makes you feel funny, that is reason enough to say that you won t do it, and for him to honor your choice, with no pouting, shaming, begging, or coersion! Here is an idea that may do the trick for you both, to substitute for a ball gag: begin your kissing and foreplay, wearing a sexy little thong. After he secures tie ups on your wrists, he wiggles your wet thong, over the swell of your hips, down your thighs, past your calfs and ankles and off your cute little feet, and he turns the wet thong, inside out, placing the thong into your dainty mouth, to muffle your protests! For the man who intends you no harm, this is far more erotic!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): He seems like a great guy so just tell him to lose the ball.
Keep it around if you're ever feeling in a kinky mood, put it on. Just keep that stuff in a secure area. We sort of know that our neighbors enjoy their backyard a little too much.
One morning I look out our window, there's a blanket on their grass with her red gag ball. I'm thinking she uses it to muffle her joy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2020):
 I absolutely agree with Auntie Cindy.
Trying some (like the ball gag) and deciding it's NOT for you IS OK! And his asking if YOU want to try it, is OK too. I don't see it as a big red flag.
He just likes a tiny bit of kink added in. But it's VERY basic for BSDM with blindfold and ties.
My advice is to BE honest about what YOU enjoyed and what you didn't. I think HE would feel like SHIT if you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him, I don't enjoy the ball gag. Sex is about enjoyment for you BOTH, not just him.
He might just be a bit more curious and openminded about trying new things, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to go along EVERY time with EVERY suggestion.
I think trying things once or twice is OK. If you afterwards decide eh, I rather not do this any more, then DO NOT just do it to please him. I also think NOT trying something you DO NOT want to try is OK too. We all have our boundaries. Some have a NEED to cross them, others don't.
It's about finding a way for you both to express yourself sexually with each other and BOTH enjoying it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2020): Op here. Thank you both. You gave great advice, and I agree, I am making this too difficult! I appreciate your time and help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2020): Personally I think it is totally unnecessary for one human to 'gag' another, be it a knee in the throat, two squeezing hands and anything else.
Ok this could be emotive but you did ask.
I don't see why he needs to render you speechless by using a ball gag!
Are you so eager to please that you just want to make a muffled sound.
I'd love to tell you about the time I strung my boyfriend up and just popped to the shop and bumped into a friend and forgot to untie him!
He was there for more than two days!
Well, you get the picture.
You let someone render you powerless and they clear off with everything you own..or..have another orgasm!
The orgasm is sometimes less than the other stuff.
It's kind and gracious and feminine to allow yourself to walk down this road but it is not practical or life enhancing.
It's not even great to reminisce about and when it gets to the stage that the little one you might create picks up the mouth ball and thinks it's a marble, well, then it might be really embarrassing.
But it's your call.
Maybe your fella doesn't really want a super compliant female.
Maybe he wants someone to feel alive with.
I would get out of bondage if you can!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 June 2020):
 I could write a book on this. There are plenty of books on this.
I think you mostly need to understand one thing. What happens in the bedroom is not necessarily and indication of a person's overall personality. For example many men who are naturally strong leaders in life and business really enjoy being submissive in the bedroom.
In your case a respectful man who seeks your approval in advance, and respects your opinion, really enjoys taking control for a short time in bed.
Which one do you prefer?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2020):
 Well, you do seem to have a knack for making simple issues very complicated :)
Look, it °is° simple : you °have ° been a good sport. You have promptly and eagerly accepted, regardless of your vanilla background and frame of mind , to try new things and introduce new elements in your sex life. Of these ,you enjoyed the blindfold and the tie ups, not so much the ball gag. Fine. Then keep using blindfold and tie ups, which you like- and ban the ball gag, which you don't like.
In case your bf is absolutely , really crazy about the ball gag ( but it does not sound so... ), you can tell him that you'll compromise and stretch your boundaries , very occasionally, just to please him, as a special " treat " . But it is also probable that, if he is such an attentive partner as you say, he will lose his enthusiasm for this gadget, once he knows that for you it's more a stretch of your boundaries than a source of pleasure. Tell him; talk; good sex comes from good commmunication , and viceversa. You ( or your partner too, of course ) should not feel like you have to hold back for fear of meeting judgement or contempt. Like, so what if he thinks that you are a bit too "vanilla" in bed ? Really. That's who you are and that's what you prefer. It's not that your own preferences have less validity and dignity than another person's ones !
IF you are open sincerely to expand your sexual horizons and " keep things interesting " , but for yourself and for a richer experience of your sensuality, not just to cling to a man nail and teeth…. a good bf will help you out, with patience and sensitivity, as gradually as you need. A man who is not patient , who is more focused on the " results " than on the road to get there , who sulks if he is not " served " his favorite kinks piping hot on a silver tray ,.... most women don't need a lover like that so even if he should get disaffected , probably it's for the best. But luckily, from what you say, that's not the case at all with your bf.
Should you be concerned that he enjoys that stuff ? Well, never mind what you " should be "- in practice, ARE you concerned or not ? Does it bother you or not ?
I said that all sexual preferences and tendencies need to be respected and not judged , or pre-judged. But it's a matter of compatibility, not of judgement. I don't judge people who listens to hip-hop , for instance, yet as for myself I prefer to spend my time in environments where classic rock and R&B are being listened, by people who appreciates these kinds of music.
It's reallly up to you . Your bf , although not a violent , mean or controlling person, has an unofficial , dark side which makes him sexually excited at the idea of inflicting pain and humiliation- ( even if in practice he does not,ok ) . Can you embrace , can you accept this darker persona, or does it scare you / shock you /turn you off ?
It is what it is- you don't have to change who you are and how you express your sexuality to fit into someone else's world. The trick, is to find two worlds which are different but compatible and can interact without raising alarm, anxiety and shame…..
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (22 June 2020):
I think your main issue is you are afraid of not being viewed as a "sport". This relationship is about both of you. If you don't like the gag, be honest and tell him. If you silently agree to it, he will assume you like it. He's not a mind reader. If he carries on using it, you will grow to dread it and your whole sex life will suffer. The longer you leave it, the more he is likely to wonder what else you are keeping from him. He sounds like a good guy. Be honest.
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