A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We both struggle with mental health issues that we are probably going to have to manage for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, these issues cause incompatibilities. When I feel depressed I manage it by going out in the fresh air and experiencing something, such as hiking. When D is depressed he wants to shut himself in and work himself to the bone, trying to create a sense of order and achievement. We don't see the value of each other's coping mechanisms and it causes issues as I become a hindrance to D's progress and in my already depressed state I experience a sense of rejection from D for not wanting to spend time with me in the fresh air. We both want to have kids soon but want to be sure that we are strong enough to raise happy children in a stable home. However, we seem to fight over our clashing coping mechanisms and have a big make-or-break fight every 2-3 months. D wants to take a break from the relationship to give him space to work out how to be happy. I don't believe that this will solve anything for him as as soon as he has a girlfriend or kids they will disrupt his order and control regardless of whether it's me or anyone else. I also wouldn't cope with a break - I've never loved anyone like I have loved him and I would be a wreck not being able to have closure without a clean break. We don't know what to do as both breaking up and staying together seem impossible. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): I will also add this. If he is unwilling to compromise; that's an indication he is giving-up. Rather than hurt yourself, and cause any setbacks in your own mental-health; seek consultation with your doctor, to make sure you maintain function and reasonable health while you both attempt to work this out.
I truly hope your can, but please try not to hurt yourself in the process. If he insists on leaving, let him. He stays only under the condition he learns to compromise; and you can both respect each-other's ways of coping. I see your way as being healthy for both of you; and he will need it from time to time. All work and no play isn't good for someone who struggles with mental-health issues! We all need relaxation, affection, love, and support. If you have it, you should appreciate it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): You don't really know how you'll cope with breaking-up with him until you've crossed that bridge. It's happening little by little; just in the fact that he's distancing himself from you. Perhaps dealing with his own mental-health issues along with yours is too much; and could be causing regression in any progress he is making to function, in spite of his disabilities. He is obviously undoing whatever progress you've made!
You are using your mental-disability as an excuse to remain emotionally-dependent upon a relationship where your boyfriend wants to leave; and you seem to believe insisting you love him cancels-out or voids his wish to leave you. If he isn't willing to stay, your love has no influence over the outcome. It doesn't really seem he is only seeking distance from your relationship. It also appears that he's trying to pull-away from the difficulty of trying to pursue his dreams and ambitions; while being distracted by a relationship he isn't happy to be in. The relationship seems to be making you both ill. It seems counterproductive and futile. I can only imagine how much that hurts you to realize. You might be in-denial to some degree. I can understand why. You've managed to maintain for the past five years. Is it getting better, or worse?
Now stop and think this out carefully. You are threatening him that his leaving will destroy you; at the same-time, you have admitted you have trouble due to incompatibility. If you have to force someone to be with you, or you must insist or coerce them to reciprocate your feelings for them; that means they don't want to. They will continue to reject you, and will not give-in; even under pressure or duress. They will resist you all the more, and that will seriously hurt you. You must seek deeper therapy and counseling to emotionally prepare yourself. He will be forced to breakaway abruptly and forcefully; in order to save himself. He has issues to deal with too. His mental-health is at-risk as well. Not just your own. How will it work, when you're both unhappy and unhealthy? It soon becomes toxic!
Ignoring your incompatibilities, while unable to find compromise, is what's literally causing you depression! Grappling with irreconcilable differences and problems that allow no peace or harmony. Forcing a square peg into a circular slot.
The frustrations would get to you, no matter what your mental-health is like. Your psychological-health would deteriorate or decline; even for the healthiest individuals!
Bringing children into such an unstable environment is both unfair and selfish. It would be using them to manipulate and maintain attachment; despite the fact he doesn't want to continue-on in a relationship with you. You have no right to do that to innocent children. Then there is the question of your emotional and psychological-competence and stability to care for them; if he ups and leaves you unexpectedly.
You are mature enough to know what's right and what is wrong. You also know that when something doesn't work, you have to stop doing it! Or, let it go! Your mental-health should not depend-on whether someone stays or leaves you. That is emotional-blackmail, and it is also self-destructive.
If he doesn't wish to remain in the relationship; then you have to prepare yourself to let him go.
You will survive it, unless you allow yourself to go into a complete collapse. That won't be his fault. If you're unhappy while he's with you; that may happen as a result of your continued frustration with his distancing. You're both fighting each-other; while fighting for your own survival!
It takes two willing and committed-people to keep a relationship working; and it takes mutual-compromise and serious-effort to resolve stubborn incompatibilities. Love alone isn't enough; it's just the motive behind it. Maybe he isn't healthy enough to do that anymore. He is more committed to his work, than to you. That's what seems to give him stability, satisfaction, and focus.
You cannot force people to stay with you. What sense does it make, if you will remain frustrated whether they stay or not? Your survival is not dependent on him. You have your own strength and determination; and your mental-health is not an excuse or a tool to manipulate people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): OP here. Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive response. I have made contact with a couples therapist today and we will hopefully be able to work some things out with a professional in the near future to break the cycle. Your positivity is very valuable to me at this time of uncertainty.
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