A
male
age
41-50,
*SDogg
writes:Hi Agony Aunts,I know a girl who I am friends with. I have always had a crush on her but she made it clear she would just like to be friends.She does a couple things which make me feel lousy and I wonder if I should feel this way.1) She blows me off sometimes to see other guys who she likes romantically or has a crush on. She won't tell me this and will make an excuse but I find out through the grapevine. She will just cancel and say something else came up. I understand she is looking for love and I guess she feels love ranks higher than friendship. But still I feel devalued.2) When we are on the phone and a call comes in she will take it and say she will call me back. I feel it is rude, like they are more important than me.I told her how I felt with these things and she says "I understand," but she continues doing them anyway. And I feel like crap over and over.Am I being too petty? Thank you for your advice.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 November 2010):
 If she's constantly ditching plans with you to go out on dates, then yeah I can see where you would be upset.. But then again at the same time you start your post out saying you have a crush on her, as well as her rejecting you. As a reader, I can't help but feel you're not over your crush.
As I said if she calls you back after she takes this phone call, then there's no being rude there. Now, if she doesn't then obviously her rudeness needs to be addressed. Again, you're taking all this to heart because you still have pent up feelings for her. If I were you I would put yourself back on the dating market.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Maybe you should start meeting new girls, go out with some of your other friends. Start dating again, don't concentrate on her so much. I have a feeling that you're still hoping that she might one day change her mind about you but i really don't think that's going to happen. Just accept that she's a friend and move on.
I bet if any of your other friends were acting like her it wouldn't be a big deal but because it's her you're taking it all too personally.
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A
male
reader, USDogg +, writes (8 November 2010):
USDogg is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontennisstar88:
Thanks for your answer. I don't think you got the subtlety though. It is not that she is seeing other guys--it is that she blows me off to see them. She breaks meetings with me to see them.
Also, you assume she is taking other calls instead of mine because they are long distance or urgent. They are not. They are local.
Odds:
Thanks also for your answer. I just wish there was a way to stop it.
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A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 I don't think it's pettiness that's the issue here. You're expecting her to treat you like she would a boyfriend, but you're not her boyfriend. In fact, from the way she treats you, you're not even a close friend.
For 1, she doesn't tell you because she doesn't see you as the type of friend she shares that stuff with. And yes, you're right in thinking that she puts love above friendship, but what she's saying more directly is she considers it more important to be with guys she's attracted than it is for her to be with guys that she's not attracted to.
In general, the question that you have to ask yourself is, what is your friendship with this girl based on? Are you only trying to be friends with her because you like her? If that's the case, I think you should seriously examine the way she's treating you as a friend and put aside how you feel about her. From the way you've described things, she's not treating you well and doesn't seem to be overly concerned about changing. If that's the case, moving on may be a good thing for you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 November 2010):
 You're not being petty, you're subjecting yourself to this kind of behavior. You have been put in the friends zone, which is hell on earth for guys.
Let me address the two things she does.
1) She's blowing you off because you keep forgiving her. People will do almost anything they can get away with if you let them. She doesn't tell you because she doesn't want your judgment on her relationships - where, in all likelihood, she is looking for assertive guys who turn her on, with love as an afterthought. I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to point out why she does it.
2) Again, she does it because you forgive it.
A simple litmus test for whether you're just friends with a girl (versus being in the friend zone) is this: would you put up with similar behavior from a guy friend? If a guy ditches you, or drops your calls, wouldn't you call him on it?
What she is doing is rude, but you've made it clear you'll put up with it. You need to stop nursing your cursh on her and find a new girl, then be sure to make a move right away, rather than waiting for anything to develop. Best of luck with that.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 November 2010):
Yes you are.
1.) Of course she's not going to directly tell you she's hanging out with other guys when she knows you're into her. She's looking for a boyfriend and you're still upset you are not it. You're getting jealous of her hanging out with other guys so you try to cover it up by saying she values love more than friendship.
2.) Who doesn't do that? If it's an important phone call such as family, a friend deployed in Afghanistan, someone you don't get to talk to that often, and work..then it's definitely acceptable to take that phone call and call you back. Now if she didn't call you back at all and said you would, then that's being rude.
Sorry if I came off a bit harsh, but I think you're still bitter and jealous that she doesn't want to be with you so you're going to nitpick at her to convince yourself she's a bad friend..She doesn't want to date you, so what? How long have you guys been friends? Just because she said no, it shouldn't affect your friendship and it is. Either fully accept that you guys will never be anything more than friends or drop this friendship.
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