A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi: I've been dating my girlfriend for 2 and 3/4years, I'm 23 she's 18. Just 3 days ago, she asked for a break or to have her own space. I was completely blindsided with that request because it was unexpected. Initially when she told me, I reacted very poorly and asked her a million why questions. I'm a college student who goes to school 40 hours a week so I barely have time to work or go out with my girlfriend. Prior to the break, I had told her that I'm having money issues, as I pay for my own tuition, school and close to 700 rent for my parents to help pay the mortgage fees (we just bought a new condo unit not long ago). I thought by telling her that she would understand, but I didn't realize that it had triggered something in her that made her decide to ask for her own space. I accepted it and told her ok you may go on a break. I don't text her or call her at all, these last couple days I've been letting her call me whenever she feels comfortable. I've noticed that when she asked for a break, her texts don't have the usual feel to it, there's no "hey babe" or just cute things that she used to write they're not there. Last night, was one of the rare nights where we talked for close to 2 hours on the phone, and we talked bout all sorts of things: Marriage, Kids, Our Future, Our relationship. I asked her in order for me to better understand her could tell me why she requested to have her own space. She couldn't come up with an answer, just kept saying I don't know, I just want to be left alone and be myself. Somethings she did mention were, me smothering her too much and lack of spark in the relationship. But I don't really understand that, because I only text her once in the morning to say good morning and it's short, then I just wait for her to text me back. Then, I don't call her, I wait for her to ask if she can call me then I call her back. Out of the 40 hours of school that I have, I only visit her once a week for 2-3 hours, so I'm not sure what she means by smothering her. I never care about who she goes out with long as she lets me know, then she can go out and have fun. I try to give her as much space as possible so it doesn't make it look like I'm controlling her.Anyways, she did tell me in the phone call last night, that she loves me very much and misses me very much too. She also said that she understands that this is making me feel bad and she's sorry but that wasn't her motive to make me feel bad. Also, she said that she knows when girls ask for a break it usually means bad things, but she's certain that our situation is different and that it will work out. In the end, I left the conversation by telling her that I love her dearly and care about her dearly. That I will respect and give her the time and space she needs to figure things out. And that when she's ready to come back to me, I'll be waiting with open arms to give her the biggest hug of her life. That was it.So my question is: a) Do I have anything to worry about?b) All the things she's said to me, were they just to make me feel better or were they actually the truth?c) Should I have anything to be concerned about? Is there anything I can do to make things better?d) Is she cheating on me?e) Will she come back to me?f) What can I do to make things better if she comes back to me?g) How can I respark the relationship again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk well, here's an update to the situation, she just finished talking to me and told me 5 times she's not talking to any other dude. She just wants to be alone and have me time, so like her own time. So I guess, now I can say she's not trying to play games with my heart? I can put that thought to rest? And just work on how to maybe fix things? She did mention that right now might not be the appropriate time to go on a date, just give her a little bit more time and she'll be ready to come back, she said.
So! Does that mean I should be happy, excited? Or should I maintain my composure, and think long and hard about what's the next step and what I should do to make the relationship better so she doesn't pull something like this again?
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 A) The "smothering" feeling is not you talking to her too much, it's knowing that if she meets another guy, she can't get with him. So, the worry is whether she will decide to stick with you or to try her luck
B) They were the truth, as told by someone who does not understand the truth herself. She doesn't know why she feels the way I described in (A), she just knows she feels that way.
C) The concern is whether or not she is going to pull this stunt again. More than demonstrating understanding and compassion fo rher, you also have to demonstrate respect for yourself - that means being clear that, while you care about her feelings, you are not going to put up with this nonsense a second time. You have to mean it, too.
D) I doubt she's cheating, but she's thinking about leaving and trying her luck on the dating scene. Girls, especially at her age, are addicted to choices. She knows she has a good thing going, but is wondering if she could do better.
E) I couldn't say if she will. I know that asking her to come back is a bad idea, but so is giving her an infinite amount of time. Your best bet is to let her know that you care about her happiness, but you are only going to put up with so much. She knows the answer, anyway.
F) Keep doing what you were doing. Work hard, focus on school, and find time for her, but your priority has to be your future - she can be part of it, but she will not be allowed to tear it apart.
G) Do not turn into a puppy-dog who puts up with anything and slathers her with love and devotion. Love her, and show affection, but maintain your priorities, appear strong, and if she pulls this again, tell her she can stay or leave, but that you will not accept limbo a second time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): It is usually not a good sign when she asks for a "break" or to have space. Usually it means one of the following.
1. she just doesn't like you anymore.
2. she has found a new love interest.
If it is #2 and she is still talking to you and telling you it might work out it means she hasn't sealed the deal with him and she is keeping you hanging around as the backup, the "Plan B" in case the new love interest does work out.
Ask her straight out if she is seeing anyone else. Don't her keep you hanging for long, take the lead in this situation and leave if nothing else.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 November 2010):
 a.) Yes..She couldn't give you a reason as to why she wants a break. Her reasons are poor that she comes up with. Those who ask for a break in a relationship know exactly why they want one.
b.) She assured you you guys would get back together and that this case is different. I wouldn't hang on her every word...if she is certain things will work out why take a break in the first place? Again, she still can't answer why she wants this break.
c.) No there is nothing you can do to make it better, it's all her doing. Just respect her wish and give her the space she wants, no contact nothing. Whatever her requirements because technically you guys are broken up. Now whether it's permanent or not, that's up to her.
d.) From your post, there's no signs or evidence there's another guy. With that being said, I question why she still can't come up with an answer.
e.) Don't know can't tell the future. Do note, that people who take breaks rarely get back together and if they do the relationship is short lived. In my opinion, it's a nice way of breaking up, or prolonging the inevitable.
f.) Give her more attention than you were, call her but not too much. Put a little more effort in the relationship. Where she says you were smothering her, I see it lacking attention and basic relationship maintenance.
g.) If you two get back together then like I said give it more attention than you were...but really once that honeymoon phase is over, there's really no getting it back. It's down to the make it or break stage.
Truthfully, I think this relationship has run its course.
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