A
female
age
41-50,
*tubb0rn
writes:I am going through my first breakup. As far as I know we weren't having any problems in the relationship. The main reason he broke it off was because he was having some trouble at work and didn't want me to become implicated in some way with what was happening. His fear was that he would have to leave his job and have to move away and end up hurting me even more.I understand why he made the decision but sometimes I feel as if he made it without even asking me, that he was making the decision for me. I didn't like how it ended only because it was over the phone. I would have preferred that we were able to talk about it face to face but it was difficult at the time because we live at least an hour away and he was busy at work. Our talk was amicable but I do feel as if I didn't really get to say what I wanted to say.Someone told me I should be angry with him for not having the decency to see me and talk with me face to face, but I'm not angry. On the other hand, if he really cared about me, he would have made time to talk to me and see me. But I'd like to think I'm mature enough that I know how to react to this situation without getting angry. To be honest, sometimes I think anger would be a better feeling than the sadness that I feel whenever I think about what happened between us. We were only together for about three months but we were sort of friends for about a year before that. I feel as though we barely got started in the relationship.Some days I feel fine and I can cope. I hate the days when I feel like I can't go on because I miss him too much and I miss talking to him. I usually initiate contact like when I texted him Merry Christmas. He's always nice about it but everyone is telling me I shouldn't do that anymore, that I should take the hint and leave him alone. My reasons for wanting to contact him is because I feel that I still need that face to face talk with him and I want to be able to say what I didn't get to say. I guess I'm looking for closure.My mind is all messed up about this. The first few weeks were really hard as I couldn't sleep and eat. I still have trouble eating and sleeping, even waking up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I wonder if it is reasonable for us to remain friends or if it will make it harder to get over him? I just feel that I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all. I am really confused about this. I go through some sort of cycle every week where there's a day when I feel really depressed and desperately want to talk to him, and days when I can deal with it, and then the days when I feel sad but not desperate enough to want to talk to him.Sorry if my story doesn't make sense. I've had so much trouble concentrating because of this (as you can probably tell by my writing). I need advice from outsiders because I feel my family and friends can't look at this objectively because they think me wanting to contact him will just hurt me more. For me, contacting him and getting to see him will provide me with closure. Then again what do I know? This is my first breakup after all. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): As others have said, you need to let it go. Yes, breaking up by phone was rude. However, even if he agrees to talk to you face-to-face and tells you the real reason he broke up with you, it will not bring you closure. Closure comes from within yourself, from realizing that it's over and making the decision that you will move on with your life.There are always unanswered questions when a relationship ends. I agree that it sounds as if he used the "crazy co-worker" as an excuse. He sounds like a basically decent guy (other than the phone breakup) who is trying to let you down easily. There is nothing that he can say about his reasons for breaking up with you that will satisfy you. Will you really feel better if you keep pressing him until he tells you whatever it is that you most fear he'll say? Trust me, as someone who did that once, it makes you feel much, much worse.Your family and friends are right: the only way to heal is to break off all contact with him. It's hard; but you'll come through it and you will be fine. Just keep telling yourself that until it happens!
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female
reader, stubb0rn +, writes (13 January 2012):
stubb0rn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your responses. I know I wrote more in my reply but I guess it was deleted.I myself don't understand why I'm being so stubborn about this. We broke up about a month ago over the phone because we both couldn't meet face to face. The talk lasted at least an hour and was amicable. He even gave me advice since this was my first relationship and first break up. He ended the phone call with an automatic "Talk to you later." We never said nor agreed if we were to have no contact. I was fine after the call but I broke down the next day after it hit me. I had no idea it would hurt that bad. I contacted him a few times after that, on Christmas and New Years but it was always me initiating contact. He's always been nice and responded to me and always seemed sympathetic. I did ask him if we could meet in person after that but to no avail. He said it might make things worse but I'm not sure what he meant by that.And to the other response, I don't believe he broke off the relationship over something trivial because it got to the point where he had to hire a lawyer. He said he wanted to spare me even more hurt in case it got so bad that he had to quit his job and move to a different state. I do understand that. And CindyCares's point about people willing to stay in relationships through exceptional challenges makes sense too, but maybe for him, he can't handle having a relationship at the same time he's having problems at work that turned into a legal issue. He said all his thoughts and energy were being focused into resolving it. He did say he had to protect himself. In retrospect, it seems selfish but at the same time, if I were in his shoes and this was happening to me, I might do the same thing. If my job was in jeopardy and someone was actively making my life miserable, I don't know how much of a boyfriend/girlfriend I would be to my partner. I wouldn't be much company to anyone if every day I was worried that I could lose my job, my reputation, and my possessions, and not eating and losing sleep over it. The situation will make me short-tempered and I'd be in a bad mood all the time. I guess he felt he had to help himself before he could truly be with someone.So Very Confused, yes, CindyCares does give good advice. I hope you are wrong that he's using the coworker as an excuse to end the relationship, but maybe I'm just being naive. I don't know what sort of closure I need or want. I guess I just wanted to see him one last time and I wanted for him to tell me, in person, to my face, that it is over and the REAL reason why he's ending it. I guess I want to be reassured if I meant to him at all during the time we were together, no matter how short it was.CindyCares I really do appreciate your advice. I guess I just need more time for it to click for me. And it is also helping me to write about it. What do I want to get out of meeting him? I had questions that only he can answer. I did want to know whether there was another reason besides the one he gave me. Sometimes I wonder if I did anything wrong, but I'm sure I didn't and I have to keep telling myself that so I can move on and not go crazy over this. I'm slowly trying to come to terms with this. It doesn't help that I keep thinking about it but I can't help it. Like I said earlier, I had no idea it would hurt this bad and it sucks that it takes a long time before the hurt feelings will go away. I don't want to harbor any bad feelings towards him because he's always been good to me except for the fact that he broke up with me. Getting angry won't get me anywhere. Besides, I never stay angry at anybody too long. And I guess I just want to be an adult about all this. I guess it's a good thing that we run in different circles so there's little chance of bumping into each other.Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): Hey, I've recently gone through a break up with someone, so I can sympathise with a lot of what you're saying. It's totally horrible, I've had breakups before, but this is my worst, as my ex, who was also a good friend, is already with somebody else. This will sound blunt but a lot of the time, there is another person involved. You don't know this co worker. How do you know he isn't spinning her the same story about you? Or isn't actually dating her? His story doesn't seem to add up. I understand what you're saying on the closure, but do you honestly want somebody that would leave you over something so trivial? You deserve better. I know it hurts like hell, and I know what you mean about being fine/then not so fine. Eventually, you will feel fine more often and be able to move on. Nothing wrong with being polite to him, that shows you have dignity. But m advice would be not to chase him, hold your head high, and enjoy yourself! Good Luck!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
 CindyCares gives good advice.. and she's way more gentle than I am.
Honey he's using the co-worker as an excuse to end the relationship....
what closure do you need?
what closure do you want?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 What I meant by " declare your own closure " is : unilaterally. On your own, in your heart, without him. You decide : OK, it did not work - time to move on . NEXT !
Of course, if you feel you can't do that , there's no law against seeking closure in your way , and insisting for a face to face. I am just afraid you would not accomplish much, and you'd find the process pointlessly painful and frustrating. First of all, ask yourself what " closure " means to you- what do you precisely expect to get out of meeting him.
You say you don't want him to change his mind, and you accept his decision. So, that's " closed ".
He already gave you his official reason for breaking up, i.e. : he has a crazy coworker who won't let him date. If you believe him, and if you accept this (Crazy coworker = no dating ) as a good enough reason, ... what's more to say ?
Maybe you'd want to ferret out of him the "real" reason, or a better, more convincing reason... but , as I said in my previous post, I doubt anything he could say would satisfy you, or convince you that yes, breaking up was a good idea.
So... do not discount your family's and friends' opinion, they may have a point : more pain for no gain.
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female
reader, stubb0rn +, writes (11 January 2012):
stubb0rn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
CindyCares, I should have provided some details about his trouble at work, mainly that a coworker has a crush on him and he's not at all interested in her. She has freaked out in the past whenever she hears or learns that he's dating somebody. Her response to that is to make accusations at work. She's crazy and manipulative and she's out to get other employees fired as well. The sad thing is their boss is a fool because he believes her over him.
The whole situation seems irrational in itself and maybe you are right, that he was giving me a rational reason. I do appreciate your advice and point of view on this. Maybe he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe he feels he can't handle being in a relationship while this is happening to him. Maybe he's worried that this woman could potentially hurt him, or me if she finds out who I am. It could very well be a lot of reasons.
You said I should declare my own closure. What if the closure I want is a face to face talk with him? He's a good guy who's been dealt some bad cards in his life. I'm honestly not trying to change his mind.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 January 2012):
No, the main reason why people break a relationship is .. because they don't want to be in it. As simple as that.
There are people who are willing and able to keep their relationship through exceptional challenges : jail, terminal illness, addiction, bankruptcy, everything really. If you care enough, you hold on tight, it's a natural instinct.
I am not saying that he must have LIED to you . Maybe he just tried to give a rational explanation, to you and to himself, to something not quite rational. It's over because he was not that into you, or he did not " feel " it, or he cared a bit but not enough to stay, ...any of all the vague yet very real formulas which apply to cases like this.
And, the reason why he did not care enough... there could be dozen of reasons why , and all futile and stupid - or no reason at all . Falling in love is notoriously a not very rational process, either it happens or it does not.
Closure is overestimated - there is really never any closure , only the search for a reason which in your eyes would be good enough for him to leave you. You'd never find it. We get letters from people who say : Ok, I admit I hit my partner, and cheated on him/her , and stole his / her money, ... but we could have worked it out , couldn't we ? ".
Declare your own closure. No, you don't need him as a friend, what friend is it the one who terminates your relationship by phone ? And you don't want him as friend, it's not friendship you really want from him, just the chance to make him change his mind by hanging in there.
It's not worth it. It sounds like a very big deal now , I won't dismiss your feelings, - but it's not. It was a 3 months thing , and it won't take you terribly long to get over it IF you are wise , do not contact him again, and make a conscious effort to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): I understand what your saying, honestly though I do not think your going to get the closure your looking for. I think you should take a few months of no contact with him and try to get over him. I have never had closure after a breakup, after the first one I did the same as you are doing now, but it doesn't help, in fact it drags out the process and just hurts more. My suggestion is that you take the time for yourself to get over the breakup, get a new hobby, spend time with friends and family and concentrate on you. You will get through this. Good Luck
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