A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Should I be angry or am I to blame? In the last six months my relationship of over a decade ended - badly. I turned to a friend from my past for solace as he too had just come out of a three year relationship. He had pursued me over a number of years but because I had been in a relationship I had never gone there. It felt as though the moon and stars had aligned and that finally we had our chance. We had a couple of dates together and it didn't take long before we ended up in bed. The next weekend he drove over to se me (about 60 mmiles) we spent a lovely weekend together but when I asked to see him again he said he had been worrying for weeks that we were falling into a relationship and that wasn't what he wanted as he had been hurt an dit was bad timing. At this time I said I understood and that it was ok to be just fiends and we saw each other a couple more times as just that. However, a couple of weeks later I bumped into him in a bar and I ended up going back to his place and sleeping with him again. When we woke up the next day he made me feel this was all my fault becuase he had already told me he didn't want a relationship. Am I wrong to think 'hang on a minute' if you are the one who doesn't want anything more than friends why are you driving 60 miles to spend a weekend with me and why are you inviting me back to yours. Ok I admit I shouldn't have gone back to his with him, but surely he is at least guilty of giving me mixed messages, so why is he blaming me? And why act so shocked when I told him I was confused by his intentions???
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your last reply.
Here are my final thougths (honest). The reason I think I ended up at his place that night is because I told him I was moving back to live (basically I left my home town in 1992, he has always lived there. I had decided the time was right to move back home to be near family and old friends whilst I recovered from my last relationship). He seemed overjoyed, that night at least, at the prospect of my return!
Anyway, the way I left things in the morning was to announce (in a very feisty defensive manner!) that when I leave his house that would be it and I would find someone else and was he ok with that - he simply answered "yes". I can't say I blame him as I was clearly acting very One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest (one of my favourite films btw) although obviously I had hoped for a more positive reply! I then tried to get out of the front door in dramatic fashion (it was locked) as he unlocked the door he simply said to let him know when I am settled back home and he'll come round for a cup of tea! I pronounced that tea was fine but it would only ever be tea again(big sigh!).
As you say I've waited 18 years. I know I will bump into him again (its a very small town) so I will have to wait until then and try and gauge his first reaction when that moment does come. Hopefully, I will be back with an update sometime...
Thanks again xx.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I just say firstly, you are really good at this!
I don't however think that I have hurt him - he was the one who flatly said he doesn't want the relationship and in so doing has rejected me. I also feel that I have most probably already lost him, even as a friend, because of my (slightly) erratic behaviour that morning. This hurts as we have had this *thing* between us for 18 years and this is also why it is so frustrating to be told bad timing!
I now know I certainly need time to adjust to single life and I will give him space and respect his need to do the same.
Huge thanks x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe back quoting is actually really helping...
I don't think I expressed my feelings exactly *clearly* to him that morning at all. In fact I'm certain I ricocheted between telling him how strongly I did feel for him and that I would really like a relationship with him and in the next breath telling him it was all too soon for me and that my feelings had scared me as it is too soon to feel this way after my ex (spot on observation by the way!)and then saying that I don't want anything serious and none of it should have ever happened. I then told him I thought he was a fool for not wanting to give it a go. It was all a bit emotionally tense to be honest (that is my fault) but it is because I *think* I might have fallen in love with him, but I also think it is because I just want him to feel that way about me. Now I am convinced after that morning he just thinks I am a bit crazy and I can understand why he doesn't think I'm a good prospect. he told me it's bad timing for him, well it's bad timing for me too but I would have been up for giving it a try. Should I stay away from him or try to salvage a friendship?
Thanks for your help with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason why I wrote "Ok I admit I shouldn't have gone back to his with him" is because I am really worried that he now thinks badly of me. I trie to explain in the morning that I had only agreed to go back to his because it was HIM and not that I would normally offer that kind of thing so casually. Saying this only seemed to make things worse as he started the whole I don't want a relationship speech again. And before I could stop myself I ended up telling him my feelings for him. Now I wish I hadn't gone back because I don't want to damage our friendship and I think it has because a) I'm worried he might think I'm easy or b)that he thinks I'm in love with him or something!! To be honest I don't really know how I feel as it's all hapened very soon after the end of my last relationship and I suppose i just thought I could pick up a new relationship with him and everything would be fine. Now I'm scared to even contact him although I'd like an opportunity to explain myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs it happens I had actually been the one to suggest friends with benefits and he had told me that he thought this would "complicate things". So I'm really confused as to why it happened again! I wonder if he was actually cross with himself for letting it happen and taking it out on me because I was less concerned? Is that a possibility?
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female
reader, ButterflyKisses  +, writes (3 August 2008):
Even a deceitful man, who acknowledges his mistakes, has more integrity than the man, in which you describe. You have absolutley every reason to feel angry at him for displacing all of the blame onto you. At least you can now pluck him from the mighty pedestal, which he once stood with you.
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