A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a dad who doesn't get along well with his only son. He is getting married in a couple days and have chosen a non cleric, non blood related family member to officiate the ceremony, a man I totally despise and have never gotten along with. I like his fiancé and get along with her just fine. Now I feel offended by my son challenging actions which show his contempt and sulky animosity towards me. I have bend backward to do everything his fiancé has asked me to take care of. Not a word of gratitude from son...well he told me to Shut the f--- up when I made mention of the officiating pick.I don't want to attend anything and have warned my wife already.
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female
reader, Anongrl  +, writes (8 October 2017):
Go to the wedding and don't cause trouble, I used to know a nice man who sadly, was an alcoholic and he fell out with his family, his daughter got married and he didn't attend the wedding, no one knows whether he was invited or not, or if he chose not to go, either way, it was a very sad situation. To not see your child on one of the most special days of their life over something ridiculous, suck it up!
You never ever know what tomorrow will bring, the man I knew died a few years later lonely.
Life is short, try and be an adult about this, if you don't, you'll more than likely regret it for the rest of your life.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 October 2017):
 Stop being selfish, this day isn't about you so stop trying to make it so.
This is your flesh and blood getting married, you will regret not attending.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2017):
 Man up and attend because it's your son after all and you will definitely regret it if you do not attend. Be the bigger person.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Honestly it is your son and his wife to be's day not yours. You should be the bigger person here, you are the parent after all so you and your wife should show a united front and be there to support the new couple. He is your son, never forget that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2017): I am older than you so let me advise you.You have to learn to pick your battles and how to leave some battles alone.Your son is grown.You must have faith that you raised him right or that makes you a bad parent.You two are so alike that is why all the tension.Are you proud your son is just like you?You should be.Do you tell him how proud you are of him and how much you love him?You should.Let him have his wedding the way he wants.Do not start a battle there.Soon you may have wonderful grandchildren.Do you want to get to know them and watch them grow? Swallow your pride and be kind to him and his bride.Life is very short.Please do not waste it being bitter and mad as it really is not worth it.Love your son.....always be kind to him no matter what.You know it takes so much energy being bitter or mad..why not use that energy for happy times instead.Let your son and future grandchildren have happy memories about you instead of sad ones.Be a man do not ruin his wedding you had yours let him have his.Bite your tounge so your future can be happy.trust me on this being mad and stubbon will only leave you old and alone in the long run living with regrets.i have seen it too many times it is so sad.You can make things right it is not too late be a good person do the right thing your future happyness depends on it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 October 2017):
 "I feel offended by my son challenging actions which show his contempt and sulky animosity towards me" - you are behaving the same way, OP. This day isn't about you; it's about him and his fiancée.Don't be so petty as to make such a bold statement (by not attending) that will stick with your son for the rest of his life. "My dad couldn't hold it together long enough to be at my wedding". That's a pretty crappy thing to do regardless of your current relationship with him, as your relationship could improve in the future, but you can't take back not going to his wedding.It was rude for him to tell you to "STFU", but that doesn't come from nowhere. That comes from anger, resentment, frustration, etc. It's *highly* unlikely that this strained relationship is solely his fault. For whatever reason, you've clashed and it's stuck. You sound stubborn, selfish ("me", "I", etc.), hard to get through to, difficult to talk to without a defensive argument thrown back, etc. The point is, OP, you are not innocent in all of this, yet you act like it's all on your son. You not attending his wedding and being polite would be like him not attending your funeral. Or, worse yet, he tragically passes away soon after his wedding (God forbid) and you never CHOSE to bridge that gap. You don't know how long you'll have with your son, so man up, communicate those feelings and LISTEN to his, but AFTER his wedding and honeymoon. I think a therapist as a mediator will help, but you seem like the type to dismiss that - you're not doing well on your own, though.Also, your son wouldn't have been able to choose the officiate without a reason that satisfied his fiancée (getting back at you wouldn't). Grow up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 " I hate this, I despise that, I don't get along with... ".
I, me, mine; all the time. Are you channeling George Harrison ?
This is not your wedding, it's your son's wedding. It's his celebration, his big event, his memorable day, and if to make it even more memorable your son wants the ceremony officiated by Beelzebub in person, he can and should have that. As his parent and his guest at the wedding, your role is not to challenge your son and question hius choices , and do your best to contribute to the festive mood and the making of happy memories.
It's obvious that you have quite an axe to grind with your son, and even assuming that the rift between you were all HIS fault, which is rarely the case because it takes two to tango,- anyway, again, a family wedding is not the time and place to engage in a pissing contest or wage an ego war against your own son or act like a disgruntled opera diva , and this not just out of a minimum of normal fatherly feelings , but also out of common decency and simple good manners.
Plus, again, even supposing that your son deserves to have his big day spoiled by his father tantrums', what about your daughter in law ? It's her wedding day too. You have no bone of contentions with her, you like her . Does she deserve too to start her wedding life with tension, animosity and gossips caused by you ?
So you do not like the officiant; big deal. You never got along with him ? well, it's not really surprising, apparently you can't even get along with your own son at the very least on one of most important day of his life ! Maybe the problem is not your son's bad taste in the choice of the officiant, but the difficulties you find in getting along with people...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 October 2017):
 There is a *lot* more to this story than you have written here, OP, and I get the feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg, or the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. So allow me to ask you a few questions about the straw and the camel:
1. Why the animosity towards the officiator? Why don't you get along with him? What is he to you that you would blacklist your son's wedding to avoid him? Is he a judge who sentenced you to 20 years of hard labor or something? I'm very curious about this!
2. How long have you not gotten along with your son? Has it been your whole life, or is this a recent turn of events?
3. What has his fiance asked you to do that you "bent over backwards" to do? That's curious that your son himself didn't ask you to do these things, but that his fiance requested multiple favors of you, none of which caused you to react this strongly until the officiator.
4. Who is the major planner of this wedding? Usually it's the bride or the bride's family, so why are you convinced that it's your son who is choosing the officiator to get at you?
Anyways, those are my questions. I don't know how I'd react if my son told me to STFU, but one thing you should ask yourself --
Do you want your relationship with your son to become better or worse in the future? If the answer is WORSE, then blacklisting the wedding will definitely achieve your goal and then some.
If your answer is "better", then would staying away make that easier or harder to do so?
Is there a neutral third party or counselor that could sit you and your son down to talk things out with? Because from my vantage point, if he wanted to stick it to you, he'd disinvite you from the wedding altogether, wouldn't you think? And what is your relationship with his fiance that she's approaching you?
You'll never have the wedding opportunity again. If needs be, you could call a temporary truce, go to the wedding because you know that doing so will give you a moral high ground to address the issue with. Avoid the officiator like the plague, and then when the dust settles and everyone's married, THEN have it out with your son and hope that the bridge isn't too far burned.
Hopefully you'll follow up to answer my questions, because I know there's a LOT more to this story, and I'm interested to know what it is.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Do you honestly think your son's only reason for picking this man to officiate at his wedding was to spite you? Really? Is it not just possible he and his fiancee WANTED this man to officiate, despite your hatred of him? Let's not forget, this is THEIR wedding, not yours.
The wedding will go ahead, with or without you, so you can choose to attend or not, as you think is best. As I see it, you have two choices here:
a. Don't attend the wedding and sit at home, being miserable, thinking "I showed them" when, in fact, the only people who may be a bit hurt by your actions will probably be your wife (who wants her son's wedding to be as perfect as possible) and his fiancee, who will probably wonder what SHE has done wrong that you are not attending, or
b. You can do the grown up thing, put your differences aside (at least for the day), acknowledge your son is his own man and makes his own choices in life (regardless of whether you agree with him) and go and enjoy the day. Hug your son and his new wife and wish them all the best, and support your wife on what is an important day for her too
I guarantee you, when you look back in years to come, if you choose to go, you will be far less likely to regret your decision than if you choose not to go.
Deep breath, head high, smile on face and go and do it. Have a nice day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2017): His wedding ceremony is not a place for a show-down. You say you get along with his fiance? Then show a modicum of respect, and a little consideration for her sake. It happens to be her wedding-day too!
Perhaps hot-headed confrontations aren't the way to go to patch things up with your estranged-son, sir.
Your resentment over whom he chooses as his officiate and/or witnesses to his ceremony doesn't matter. The choice is his to make. How you feel about it is really irrelevant. If you paid for everything, or anything; you've tainted the generosity of your efforts with bitterness. I know you're only venting out of frustration; and I have no doubt you love your son. You just have to accept the fact he's an adult. His choices may piss you off, but whose wedding is it anyway?
If he is ungrateful for what you've done; perhaps it is because he is also unhappy with how you've treated him as a father. His actions seem retaliatory. Maybe they aren't; and you take it that way, because he didn't allow you to control him. Maybe he chose someone who has been kinder to him. Is that why you hate that guy?
Unfortunately; he has made his choices. Accept them. Set your anger aside, and show some love. Even if only for the duration of this particular event. Your only son is getting married. Your anger is inappropriate for the occasion.
Would you care to go into the details and backstory that has lead you two up to this point in your lives? You can IM me if you don't care to publicize the details.
If a son can feel "contempt" for his own father; it could only mean his father has done things that has broken his heart, physically or emotionally abused him; or perhaps you were not the kind of father he needed when he needed one.
You're not an old-man, judging by the age-group indicated above your post. You're still in your 40's. Just judging by the tone of your post; I can tell you're no-nonsense, and you rule with an iron-fist. If your post is any indication of your personality; I think you might even be characterized as the over-bearing hard to please father. Throw in the facts, if you care to refute my opinion. It breaks my heart to see parents and children at odds.
He is now a grown-man, and you cannot force your will down his throat. He can, and apparently has, defied your wishes.
No matter how angry you are at each other; you are both in extreme pain, but stubborn as hell. I can also see that in your post.
Sir, it is most unfortunate that you and your son have come to this. I only think that you must settle your rage and honor his decision. If you love your son; let those feelings prevail.
I won't come across as naive, and try and paint rainbows and pretty pictures about how you're supposed to be the model TV dad. Considering the fact he is so upset with you, maybe you should try and take a extra-strength chill-pill. Your temper has put distance between you; and he probably inherited his stubbornness from you!
I can't buy you a beer, or pour you a scotch; and listen to your story. I can advise you that this is not the time to be pissed-off. You must, and will attend the wedding. You will be loving and civilized. You will be his father minus the anger at that wedding. If you can't...stay home!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Its not your wedding so its not your prerogative to choose who gets to perform the ceremony.
However deciding to attend or not is your choice ... think carefully before you carry out your threat to throw a tantrum over not getting your own way, consider the ramifications going forward and how it might affect current relationships and other relationships into the future.
Will your wife be happy and continue as if nothing has happened if you carry out your threat?
Will the daughter in law, who you currently get along with still hold the same level of respect for you if you refuse to show up for her wedding? Will you be a valued guest at any future family functions she may host?
Will your temper tantrum improve the currently poor relationship with your son or might it irreparably damage it for ever?
Considering the most likely answer to any of the above questions how do you see that impacting on how much contact the newly weds might be prepared to allow you with future grandchildren?
Your question to this site does not paint you in a very favourable light. You need to consider how you want the next 20 years to pan out for your family, including those members not yet born.
The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2017):
 Warned your wife?
As in told her she shouldn't go? Or that you don't want to go?
Honestly, OP I think you need to stop sulking and realize that your SON'S wedding is not about you. He didn't pick the officiate to antagonize you. He made that choice because HE and HIS fiance wanted that person to be the one officiating. YOU are taking this personal and I think that is petty of you.
However, if you are going to sulk and be acting like this it's better you don't go.
If you can put on a happy face for your son and DIL, and act like an adult then go.
You might have preferred him to marry within the faith you raised him in but wouldn't it be totally HYPOCRITICAL if he doesn't have the same beliefs now? As an adult? Or do you think he should do whatever to please you?
I seriously doubt your new DIL would agree to a wedding ceremony made out JUST to spite you. That is ridiculous.
YOU need to accept that your SON is a grown man and have found HIS own path. While it might differ from the path you took or wanted him to take, HIS life is HIS to live.
So SUPPORT him on his big day (you don't have to approve or agree with those choices) but you CAN show love and support for him and his future wife.
OR you can lose your son a little at a time.
Maybe he IS rebelling against you, and from your attitude, I can see why.
Sorry OP. I know you care about your son, but if THESE choices for HIS wedding is what he wants why can you not support that?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (5 October 2017):
Grow the heck up. This wedding isn't about you it's about your boy and his new wife. If you can't support your son go for her and your wife.
You and your son sound a lot alike. If you can't go because it's the right thing to do for your family go and behave like a perfect gentleman it will drive your son crazy. And you will have shown him who the better man is.
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