A
female
age
36-40,
*ugarbaby
writes:Hi, im 22 and just last week my relationship of 3 years came to an end. This came about because we argued a fair bit and i admit i didnt do my best to fix things, my boyfriend is the one that did it, over the phone (it hurt that he was such a coward to do it that way but were terrible at face to face talks about serious things and it just ended up going that way, he hadnt called me to dump me it just happened that way)In hindsight i realise we didnt fight over anything important, hes so stubborn and i felt i wasnt good enough so id argue back to stand up for myself. He said how will we be able to deal with the bigger things in life, in the future, if we cant deal with these hings right now, which is fair enough, i just thought time would enable us to work these things through.He came over to collect his stuff a couple of days ago and although we were both very upset we still managed a laugh and talked things through that we hadnt before, he even said i was winning him over. It was false hope because the next day he txtd me to say hed done the right thing, i called him straightaway and he seemed so cold.Im hurting more than i ever thought possible, to avoid the break up i had suggested that we take time apart to get our own problems out of the way (were both at uni and have a lot of work on right now) but he said we should make it permanent coz he doesnt want to give me false hope. Thats what hes been doing all along though, letting me think we have a chance, is he doing that because its easier to say that when were face to face? Is he a coward?He says he still loves me and mentions how his mother really likes me and will miss me, im so confused about it all.If it is going to work wed need time apart anyway and whilst im hurting being apart is the best thing for both of us right now, in time though should i try again? Should i ask to go for a friendly drink and a catch up? Am i being foolish to think that we'll be able to work things out?Im sorry this is so long but please anyone whos been in this situation or has any advice i would be so grateful to hear from, this hurts so much more than the fighting ever did, i want to do something but what? and should i? and when? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Suzie767 +, writes (12 June 2007):
 i think the letter idea is a good one- it will give you a chance to say exactly what you want without it coming out wrong.do you think it will be well recieved?it may be that he is stubborn and wants you to make the first move and this will give you an opportunity to explain exactly how you feel. and if he doesnt respond at least you will always know that you conveyed your feelings as best you could
A
female
reader, sugarbaby +, writes (5 June 2007):
sugarbaby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou both for your advice, in my head i know that giving him time and space is the best thing to do and so far iv done that. Its so difficult because i cant get him off my mind, iv also come to realise that a lot of the problems within the relationship were broguth on by my own insecurities, halfway through our relationship my main group of friends moved away for uni and i lost a lot of confidence because i had noone to talk to besides a couple of friends and my now ex. I took my insecurities out on him and even blamed him for being the cause of them, i was so wrong, it hurts so much to now understand where i went wrong and whilst im not saying im completely to blame, i think i am for the majority. I desperately want to explain this to him and to apologise for all of my mistakes that have hurt him. I may be seeing him in about 3 weeks as he said he would still attend the opening night of my exhibition at uni but i dont think its a good time to talk as therell be lots of people. I know ill chicken out if he seems cold towards me, but il regret it forever if i dont take the chance to at least apologise. Of course i do hope we can work it out and be together but apologising for my behaviour seems more important. If he does attend the show should i ask him before he leaves if we can meet up for a chat or is that too much? Would it scare him off? Should i write it in a letter instead? Thanx again for your advice im not pining for him mostly kicking myself for pushing him away, im putting lots of effort into friends and work to kee my mind off it and have alreday regained alot of confidence thanx to good friends i didnt even realise i had.
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A
female
reader, Suzie767 +, writes (31 May 2007):
ive been in this situation too honey and you have my sympathy-
his coldness towards you is like a knife to your heart after all the intimacy you have shared.
the worst thing you can do now though is chase after him no matter how much you crave him. as long as you are trying to get in touch with him you are massaging his ego and he has no incentive to make a decision whether to be with you or not- he hasnt really lost anything.
give him some time and some space- its scary to think that if you do this you may never have him again i know but absence really does make the heart grow fonder and if he thinks he has lost you it may make him want to fight to get you back.
if you give him space and he still acts cold towards you no matter how much hard work you put in nothing you do will change his mind- i chased a guy for a year. he had 2 girlfriends in this time and was sleeping with me whenever he felt like it. it was only after i gave up that he wanted me back
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (31 May 2007):
 I can totally understand your feelings of confusion and frustration with this situation. I myself have been in a similiar position and to be honest its like between a rock and a hard place. You cant seem to win what ever you want to do.
Yes, give both of you the time you need to think things through, but you must use the time to think yourself about the things you want from your life. Use this thinking time to your advantage, dont just spend it pining for your lost love. That is too easily done.
Time apart is hard, you dont see them and you end up going crazy thinking wot they are up to and what they are thinking, its a wicked circle of madness and can quite easily spin you out of control so be aware of that. Use people around you to bring back to reality when you need it.
No-one knows what the future will bring and how time changes people and their perceptions. Just use the time you have wisely and maybe yes ask him for a drink but dont go in there with high hopes as that can only work against you.
Some people may say your better off without, but it sounds like you had something that could be built upon. That chance may have passed you both by now, so just think logically about what you want and what you need to do to get it.
Stay strong and stay positive about you...
R
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