A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts I need advice,I have been lied to by my BF over a year ago never sure if he cheated but was definetly keeping company with a friend, a girl that he has known a while. Well all was worked out and things have been great, lately very great, we have been dating for 2.5 yrs. today he was at softball and he reacted strangely to my text much later than he would have finished his games. Which is something that caused a red flag for me. On FB( i know dont roll ur eyes lol) she (who is my friend on FB also although, i despise her and know for a fact she was after my man well over a year ago)...she posts nice " dinner and a beer". Well when he finally called me i asked a few questions as to the game and where he ate, it was very close to her house like a few blocks . It is a deli. So at first i thought ok ur being crazy jealous right now, i mean its a deli, there is no beer served in a deli, so i looked it up online, and guess what? They serve beer and wine!!!! Well while on the phone with him prior to this knowledge, I teased him that he didnt invite me to dinner and then i layed on him that i wasn't home anyway, in which he responded, " where were you?" and i wouldnt say teasingly but i think he was nervous then i made something up because at the time i was talking to him i felt like i was being (inside myslf) crazy without cause...... But then when i got off the phone and checked this deli, it serves beer .....hmmm on her post and comments she had stated that her kids were with her mom...Ok my question, should i ask him if he ate alone? My. Stomach is in knots over this crap. Should i be worried how should i spproach this, last year i almost broke up with him, ps again, he has never been caught cheating nor has he said he cheated in fact told me he has never cheated, but the lie about seeing this girl who was just a friend last year had me on the verge of leaving him. He is really truly wonderful, but our intimacy(not sex) is lacking its like hes afraid to get too close hes not young at 45 and never married. He also has never said i love you, neither have i. So what say you, any and all constructive criticism i will take thanks aunts feeling seriously stressed.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 I think you feel so emotional because you cannot control the situation and it IS difficult being in a relationship with a guy who has a close female friend. Sure we should all accept out partners friends but that's fine if they are the same sex...it wouldn't be so bad if she had a partner also!
I think you need to look at the relationship as a whole...How happy are you with him? Is it a lot or a little?
How does he treat you?, Is he loving and affectionate? Do you do stuff together? All these things give you a clue if the relationship is going well.
I wonder what he would say if you asked him if he was cheating?...he'd probably do like most people and lie, hoping he can brush you off...only you'd know if he was telling the truth or not.
I have to say it but if he knows his contact with this girl upsets you so much, you'd think he would drop her, but a lot of guys just don't see the problem with this sort of thing.
Are you scared to confront him in case he ends with you? because that is also very telling!
The fact that he's been to hers late at night also smacks of infidelity so I can see why you are worried.
Weigh it all up...Is it worth saving, Is it worth confronting him?...somethings gotta give, because there cannot be three people in a relationship.
If you do confront him, be very very calm and ask for the facts, do not shout or scream and resist accusing him and being over emotional...because that will have him running in the other direction.
Let me know how you get on.
Em x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Also you ended it by asking if " hes cheating what are you gonna do about it?"... Well if there was cheating no doubt its over period too old for more crap. But my biggerr problem is the lying to me IF he is just having dinner or JUST having a coffee or lunch or talking on the phone or texting or whatever....its the NOT telling me prt that is driving me crazy it makes me think that there is something to hide...and i have had this conversation already twice. I dont know that he did have dinner but this biatch posted it on FB and it seems to meeee that its to put it in my face as she has done in the past but she never stated where or with whom i am probably a little huper sensitive because even tho he said nothing ever happened with this local known whore who IS after my man...he wouldnt leave me for her he emphasized it and also hasnt commented or posted anything on her fb since my big blowup about me not trusting him a few months ago....but i hate that he hasnt dropped her altogether...i would never ask him too but i wish he would.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): AuntyEm, your 1000% right! Your words shook me to my core, perceptive and deep. Thank you. I know that i know the answer the question is more about me than him I guess...maybe I am just nuts.
I have trouble trusting because he is so secretive but thats him,not secretive just not open, he keeps everything to himself. He is an only child, and even with his friends he doesnt open up.
So yes if in fact this woman who he knows i despise and would no way want him to ever be with especially if i dont know about it, i would breakup with him its not acceptable to hide his friendships with me.he is not entitled to tell me my bur my boundry is if he cannot tell me then i cant be in this relationship. My bigger issue is i dont know any facts that he was with her and bringing it up especially if he wasnt will cause a mess. I hate that he hasnt cut her out altogether. I caught him in a lie last year he said he was with the guys and was at her house late night mid week and i caught him there he came out and explained they were just talking whatever but i cant help but shake it because he admitted he had been theere before without ever telling me this was well over a year ago they have been "frinds" or more like aquaintaces for a about 3 years maybe 4. I just hate that i feel this way and i feel like i dont trust him, i already had numerous convos about him being more open and not being afraid to tell me if he hangs out with female friends or if he talks or texts but he neveer ever says anything...he told me he isnt a talker and didnt see why i had to know every little thing...i dont, i just feel like him not saying is like him having secrets...so i say to you, I have no proof only high suspcion...is there a way to bring this up without it blowing up ?
We are adults and i would like to be able for us to talk and express feelings...i dunno maybe im just nuts and me not trusting is a HUGE problem i get it, but maybe its me and not him that has the issue therefore maybethe realtionship is great and i am scewin g it up. I feel blinded by intense emotion right now.....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 June 2013):
Hmmmm, I had to think really hard about this one before I answered, so here goes...
It must be really hard work for you being in this relationship where you have absolutely no trust for your boyfriend...there I said it...YOU DON'T TRUST HIM, even though you have no evidence that he cheated and things have been going 'very great' (your words)
You don't elaborate on the lie he told you, other than he was keeping company with this lady...so what does that mean...'Keeping company?'...
Could be a full blown affair, could be just friends meeting up, could be nothing at all, but you say he lied to you, but in order for your relationship to continue you must have forgiven him...right?
So now he acts not quite how you expect and you put two and two together and assume he was seeing her!!
The thing is, he may well have seen her and had dinner with her...does that mean he's cheating?...nope. Does it mean he's keeping it to himself because he knows you will go nuts?...Yep! How reasonable is it to assume he's cheating? 50/50? 99%?...doesn't really matter to be honest.
What really matters is that you DO NOT TRUST HIM and therefore it's probably not ever going to work out for you because good lasting loving relationships are built on trust and where there is none...there is no relationship.
You are driving yourself nuts with this so really you have only one option and that is to confront him (or go completely nuts and live with suspicion forever and ever!!!) but I fear it's going to be messy...but it's messy anyways, so I don't see you have a lot to lose!!
Checking if a deli served beer is MAJOR snooping and detecting and putting it all together must be exhausting, so it remains for me to ask you...
If he is cheating, what are you going to do about it?
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