A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living together for the last year. He is home for the summer and I'm staying here in the apartment. So, whenever he is gone, I always do deep cleaning. While I was cleaning the closet out, I came across an old camera that he bought in 2005. I noticed there was a tape in there and played the video. Sure enough, it's an old sex tape with his ex girlfriend (from 3 girlfriends ago.) I feel really weird about it. Normally I would have freaked out and thrown a huge fit and said blah blah blah if you really love me you wouldn't have kept the tape but instead I found it rather comical. She was obviously faking all of her moans. He's mentioned her before saying she was a total psycho and it turned out the reason they broke up was because she was cheated on him and had a fake identity with all the guys she was screwing at the time. (Probably four or five) They only "dated" for 2 or 3 months. I know the video is almost ten years old and he was only 19 at the time. We have a really good relationship and being away from each other has been positive for me growing as an individual. I am not sure wether to just remember, she was a nasty girl and he really hated that "relationship" and not even worry about it or if I should confront him about it. (I will say, I was a little envious to see his body from back then---he always told me he had sexy muscles, but I didn't believe him until I saw the video! Sure would have loved to have that body for me!) Aside from all the jokes, I really do want to keep a trusting and loving relationship which is why I don't know what I should do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLovein Quinta: You had one of the best solutions I've read on dear cupid! I love your suggestion on how to approach him--because it really be something both of us laugh about!!
It's funny because over a year ago, I wouldn't even allow him to text other women but I've learned to rid my jealousy and just trust him and put his past with his past and not confuse it with the present. So coming across the video was very strange because I thought to myself, "Why am I not upset? Is this normal??" Maybe the fact that she was just so obnoxious (probably because she KNEW she was the star of a personal XXX film! haha!) Also, it was labeled, "Private" which made me laugh even more! I just can't imagine my boyfriend EVER labeling something as PRIVATE!!!! I love and respect him and do not want to humiliate him by any means--which I feel like I would be doing if I approached him in a serious, emotional way. Not for me, not when it doesn't actually bother me. Thanks again Quinta for your story, it put a big smile on my face :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): It was his past, not present.I makes me laugh when people write here and make judgements on their partner's exes......you do not know her and do not know her side of the story.I think people make nasty comments about the exes as they are blinded to their partner's fault. I am talking from experience. My ex-husband convinced me that his first marriage breakup was his first wife's fault and he was Mr PERFECT, I was 20 years old, naïve and believed him, married him, got a baby, guess what he left me for another woman when our son was only 1 year old, he told her I was nasty, she hated me, threatened to kill me. Hahaha he left her after she had a baby.Snooping is wrong, and no matter how you find it, it is wrong. We all have a past and some people may want to keep some sentimental things and there is nothing wrong with that.My son has kept a picture of his ex in restaurant on his laptop, his fiancee has no problem with it, she has a pic or her ex. They trust one another.Your boyfriend may have not meant to keep that tape, he may have forgotten about it. It means nothing, if he loved her he would be with her. He is with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Just want to add that with this sex-positive attitude, you're NOT being a doormat or encouraging him to sleep around or overtly ogle other women, you're hopefully coming from a place of complete security that allows you to...allow. Allow him to be what he was, what he is. Observe another human being. Enjoy him. If there's an absolute dealbreaker there, inform him of your needs and your standards, and calmly break it off and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): IF you feel you want to bring it up, make it a joke with him. "Hey, honey, I found that sex tape you made with _____! Oh my gosh!" Make sure he knows that it's fine with you. Then he'll probably be elated, realizing that you are not a jealous, crazy lady like so many women can be, and he'll share more with you.
Highlight of this tactic: when my honey dragged out a huge box of Playboys from his shed, from his near-sexless-marriage days, that his ex had flipped her shit over every time she found them, and we went through them together and laughed and picked out the hottest pictures. He told me that day and many other days how much he appreciates my open and loving attitude towards his sexuality. Bonus? YOU get laid more and YOU get a happier and more loving man. He will probably even want to propose much sooner if the relationship is serious stuff, because NO guy wants to lose an awesome woman like that. ;)
Also, if he's getting what he needs, emotionally and physically, he'll chuck the porn anyway. I never even said a single negative word about any of the Playboys, his masturbation, and very occasional internet porn usage, and the Playboys went in the trash, and the porn is cut down to maybe once every two months. I know this because he tells me, in gratitude, often.
I really don't get people getting all weirded out over normal sexual acts that their SO's did with other SO's. You don't own him. He's letting you share his life with him. Acting like you own him is a sure path to relationship DOOM.
Oh, and I know, OP!! I got with my sweetie when he was 34, and seeing pics from his early 20s, I was like, OMG, WHY did I not get a piece of that back then?! And WHAT the hell is WRONG with the woman that didn't want a piece of that every DAY?! Well, he's still fine now. ;) All is well.
TL;DR -- Chill, lady. Your relationship is trusting and loving. Yes, this man had sex with other people before. Deal. He probably kept it because 1) he forgot not to, or 2) it's hilarious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Just tell him you was cleaning and you came across it (you wasn't snooping) ask him if he knew he still had it and if he did why?
Having a trusting and loving relationship starts with honesty.
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