A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 yr old and my boyfriend of 9 months is 25. For some odd reason since the very beginning i have never really fully trusted him even though he is a really good to me and is very sweet and caring and says he loves me. But i have always felt like there is a side of him that i don't quite know yet. Over the past couple of months, i noticed a woman on his facebook whos profile he quite frequently visits. I know she is probably the kind that he finds attractive and would be interested in. I don't know how they know each other but whenever he writes on her wall, he deletes the feed off his facebook wall, he doesnt delete it for anyone else. This past 4 months, we lived in different cities but we met each other atleast once/twice a week. He goes out clubbing a lot and i know for sure he met up with her over the summer couple of times but he never mentioned it to me. When i asked him who she is (over skype video chat) he just said its some stupid girl n acted like he doesnt care but his body language read to me as different because right when i mentioned her name, he smiled a bit as if he had something in his mind and brushed it off. Yesterday, his facebook was open while he was in the shower and i saw that he wrote on her wall. (i know i shouldn't invade his privacy like that but this was bugging me so much, i feel horrible for doing it). I went on their "wall-to-wall" and saw what he wrote over past 5 months (there were only four posts and i couldnt see what she wrote because his wall was disabled couple weeks ago) It had stuff like "exams are going on so i don;t knw ...we'll see tomorrow" "closed windows next time!" (this one really bugged me for some reason), "are u done partying for the summer?".I know these things may not mean much and it seems really casual but i don't understand why he is hiding it from me. Did he cheat on me? Is it considered cheating if he just met her and did nothing else but decided to hide it from me? Should i bring it up to him or just brush it off because i meet up with guy friends whom he doesn't know personally but i always let him know. Could that be the only difference..that i remember to tell him but he doesnt? He is one track minded anyways. Am i just being ridiculously paranoid??? or is he searching for other prospects while he still has the benefit of being with me in a relationship? p.s he also "pokes" her on facebook. i deleted the poke to see if he would notice since he said he didnt care and shes justt some stupid random girl. Yesterday i noticed, he got the pokes going on again. This has some significance because me and him met through facebook and the first thing he did to get my attention before he added me was poke me! I dont care if they are friends and likes to go clubbing together and such. Only thing i am concerned about is the fact he is hiding it from me.
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female
reader, MashaD  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 In my opinion, you should definetly confront him about it. Just try not to fight, don't "thorw" accusations at him, don't blame him of cheating etc etc, just try to explain how you feel about the situation, that it bothers you, that it makes you upset and WHY. If he loves you, he wants you to be happy, right? Then he would be willing to chase away all your doubts so that you feel loved and secure.
If it is hard for you to talk, write him a letter (or a FB message, why not?). There's a good "psychological trick" of writing such "relationship letters". First off, explain why you are writing the letter and express your negative feelings (which motivated you to decide to write the letter), your fears and doubts, then express your hopes and expectations (how you would like the situation to change, what you would like to hear from your BF as his answer etc) and in the end don't forget to express your positive feelings (that you love him and that the reason you wrote the letter was because you wanted your relationship to work and you both to be happy together...etc etc whatever you feel like telling him).
I hope I helped a little with my advice and I wish you the best of luck!
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I find the deleting thing odd. If he had nothing to hide, why hide it? My guess is that he likes her. Something may or may not be going on. My guess is that nothing is happening right now, but this isn't a good sign either.
I tend to say trust your gut. If your gut instinct gives you a bad feeling about this, then you'll probably want to confront him about it. You can say what you did here. You don't mind if they hang out, but you don't like him hiding the fact that they are. It makes you wonder why he lies about it to you. I wouldn't accuse him of cheating, just covering up details.
What does his FB status say? Does it say he's in a relationship?
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