A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi! So I have been speaking to this guy for a few weeks now - met on tinder but have talked on the phone and everything. He’s after a relationship as he said he’s had enough of one night stands or whatever (this isn’t the point of the question BTW!). Anyway, weekdays his replies are slow because he’s still working from home which I understand and weekends he would reply more. However the last few days I’d sent a message / picture and it would be opened and ignored. Now I’m not saying we’re exclusive at all but surely if you don’t want to talk to anyone anymore you should have the decency to tell the person so they stop bothering you? Basically should I ask what’s going on or just leave it. I do like him and we have similar interests and things and I could see something but I don’t want to come across as being ‘a psycho’ (as boys would say) but asking if he still wants me to bother but I feel I should know if I’m just wasting my time or not. What should I do/not do and say/not say? Please help! Xx
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 May 2020):
Hi there. It sounds like you haven't actually met in person, as yet.
Only chatting on tinder.
And you say he is working from home, which means he is being paid to do his work on his home computer, otherwise he won't get paid.
And so that makes sense with him not saying very much during the week.
He obviously checks his tinder for messages from friends, and it may be that what you have written there, is more of a comment rather than something that requires a detailed answer.
Well, how about you just send him a message - only one - on the weekend. And then, wait for him to reply, in his own time.
But don't go sending another message saying, "I haven't heard from you, are you okay" - which can come across as clingy, and unattractive.
Just leave the one message, and no more.
OR, you could just leave it until you next hear from him.
That way, he has a chance to think about if he misses talking to you.
If you have interesting, mentally stimulating conversations, well then he must be somewhat interested enough to reply.
If where you both live, is not too distant from each other, maybe you might suggest meeting somewhere and have a coffee together.
Because, when you meet in person, you will instantly know if there is some physical attraction there, and then when you start talking face to face, you will both quickly see if you at least get along, and share some common ground.
It all starts with friendship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2020):
 OP, I think you misunderstood grossly both the spirit and the letter of the advice you were given.
Personally I don't " judge " people who use Tinder, there's nothing to judge, supposing the person is unattached and over 18 there are no moral issues to debate.
Same as I don't " judge " people who ride a bycicle to go to work, as opposed to walking or taking the bus etc. Riding a bycicle, per se, is neither moral nor immoral, neither virtuous nor vicious. It's just a matter of preference and personal choices. BUT, you need to make sure you know how to ride a bycicle before you start pedalling to your destination ; otherwise , at the first little bump in the road, you land your bottom on the asphalt , and probably, alas, you won't elicit much compassion when you start going " ouch ouch, this hurts ", because, well, it was to be expected.
Tinder was born in 2012 strictly as a hook up site, since then it has grown extremely popular so , by the sheer force of numbers, obviously among all that people there will be some who look for love or long term or whatever. YET , there were some studies about Tinder, for instance one published on Psychology Today , which say that about 50% of male users are on Tinder to facilitate an ONS ( as opposed to 15% of women ). And that another large percentage of people , I can't remmber exactly but it was about one third of total users, has , at some point, used Tinder simply as a passtime, a recreational activity, without any intention to actually meet in person- just because the " swipe left, swipe right " thing is so much fun.
There were other rather discouraging data, but I don't want to be too long, the point is basically, Tinder is fine if you can keep your eyes open and your expectations realistic. You can't ( generic you ) get caught immediately hook line and sinker by the first dude who , as Kenny says, " makes the right noises " and / or spews out some old line about " being tired of casual sex " blah blah.
That, in general; because IRL too, not all that you are being told is Gospel's truth ,and you need to check if the actions match the words. More so on Tinder, where the percentage of players, flakes and time wasters is notoriously huge.
Which does not mean that you can't ever meet someone truthful and relationship-minded also on Tinder. But, in case you
are ONLY looking for something serious and long term , it would be a bit counter-intuitive.
It's like, say … if you want to read " Hamlet " by William Shakespeare. The simplest would be to go to a bookshop and buy a copy. Or else, you can go , night after night, to some sports bar, and chat up all the people in the room until you find , among the soccer fans, the outlier who is a Shakespeare buff and will be delighted to lend you his copy of Hamlet. It's not that it could not happen, on principle ; it's just that there are faster ,better ways to get what you want without exposing yourself to many disappointments.
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A
female
reader, hilary +, writes (14 May 2020):
 Hi, you may not like my reply but you say you want and need honesty so here it is. You come across as quite desperate and needy, as if this man is your whole World when in reality he is not even dating you!
Once you are a grown up, an adult, you accept that everyone does things their way and you do what you can to protect yourself from harm or upset. Guys on TINDER tend to be just looking for free sex, some are so good looking, young or arrogant they also think they can be picky about the age and looks of the women and turn down the ones that have a few extra pounds, who do not talk about sex enough or who are not practical as an easy lay... i.e. I once knew a very nice but naive young woman who joined a dating service and was asked to go to a guy's house to meet him on a first date. The excuse was that he worked from home and was too busy to leave the house. Strange that. Because if he can stop working for five hours to sit with her or go to bed with her he can leave the house for a five hour date, but obviously did not want to. This guy was simply trying to use the dating service as a way to get call girls and escorts come to the house to give him sex, but without paying them.a
Most men will tell a woman what they want to hear and lie and say they want a proper relationship, but actions speak louder than words.
If you look in a pig sty for someone do not be surprised that you end up with a pig. Tinder is not suitable for true relationships and serious romance. I've spoken to men who have admitted to me they have paid for casual sex - it dents their ego and it is expensive - so they go onto places like Tinder trying to get the exact same thing for free.
You should have a realistic list of deal breakers ready before you start your search for a man. If the guy is so busy that he can only text now and then why bother anyway? What use would he be to you? Is he expecting you to stay in every evening and weekend while he works or dates others? As much use as a bucket full of holes.
These are all things you can make sure of before you meet, to save wasting time on meeting unsuitable people.
And remember there are a lot of people who use Tinder etc to scam women out of money. They hook them with photos of handsome guys and tell them what they want to hear. Then when they know the woman is hooked they say they need money for this and that. It is how they earn their living and they do it to dozens of women and spit them out when the well runs dry and they no longer pay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): You asked for advice. If people don't tell you what you want to hear, how is that "judging" you?
If all you get from the advice is that someone is judging you, perhaps the advice just hasn't settled-in yet. If you place yourself on the defensive; you'll block-out warnings and wisdom that could save you a lot of heartache and embarrassment.
When you're on a free dating-site, you are going to find more trolls and players than legit people trying to find a match. If you run into somebody who plays head-games and dodges your contact; commonsense says they're not serious, and are just a waste of your time. NO, forget this, it's too judgy!
Okay...I'll tell you what you want to hear. Call him, and keep calling him. Blow-up his phone until he responds to you.
I respond to questions and try to help the OP and other readers who have similar questions or experiences they're trying to figure-out. Some will benefit and some won't. You can take it or leave it; somebody will benefit from it, and that's all that matters to me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 May 2020):
 So you yourself came back to judge the "aunt and uncles" who suggested that Tindr might NOT be the best place to find a partner? And the admonishing us for doing so, but you can?
OP, you don't have to TAKE any of the advice FREELY given.
You might think Tindr is the best thing since sliced bread, and that is fine. You do you. But... telling people what they can and can not advice on IN your post is not up to you. If you don't want to be "judged" for using Tindr, then don't mention Tindr… Wouldn't that have been easier?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2020):
I have to agree with Cindy here,
YOU have to decide is this "enough" for me? When we talk do I really get an idea of who he is?
I don't think you should ask either. You already kind of know. He isn't putting much effort into getting to know you, is he? Maybe he IS really busy with work and is hoping that he can keep you "hooked" until he can take you on a date in person, but then why not make sure you keep BEING interested too?
You met on Tindr which is a known "hook up app" more than dating app. While he SAID he was tired of ONS and is looking for a relationship, it might not BE what he really wants. He wouldn't be the first person to use the "I am looking for a relationship" as bait to bed people.
And then we have the whole "lock-down" situation where people want to NOT feel lonely. So they sign up for dating sites and apps to get attention and interactions.
You mention that you sent a message/picture. Was the message/picture something that needed an answer? Or was it more of a "here is my dog Bertie." (because I hope you aren't sending nudes of yourself to someone you really don't know).
Sometimes people send messages that doesn't require an answer, they are self-explanatory. Sometimes they are sent just o cheer someone up.
My advice? If you aren't sure there is something here, rein in your expectations- (you are definitely jumping ahead here) and GIVE as much as you get. So if you send a message and he just reads it but doesn't replay. Then if/when he sends you one (if neither really requires an answer) you take the same amount of time. After a while he will either STEP it up or stop. Which should make it much more clear to you what to do next.
My second advice is... if someone seems a LOT less interested after ONLY a few weeks, how interested was he to begin with?
A lot of people who meet someone online/app DO talk for a couple of weeks before meeting up in person, but IF one if them is actually MORE interested in HOOKING up, they try to get that meeting up asap, unfortunately with the "lock-down" it muddies the water because it's harder for people to actually meet up. So I'd say this, if he an you can't meet up in person has he suggest a Skype/Facetime "date" or chat? In lieu of a proper meeting? If not, are you really sure he IS actually looking to date you at some point?
Having similar interest is a good thing, but it's not an indicator of HIS actual interest.
You decide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I’m aware that tinder has a bad rep but I thought the whole point of this website was to give ADVICE not to judge others on being on tinder. Yes I know it probably isn’t the best way to meet people to forge a long relationship but you don’t know. So if people could stop on mine and others questions judging for being on tinder that would be brilliant. As I thought the whole point of these ‘agony aunts’ were to offer advice not judge. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 May 2020):
I think it's better if you leave it and don't ask him anything. IF he still wanted to bother with you- you'd know it for sure. It would show, you would not have to chase and push and prod.
As for wasting your time, - you should be able to decide on your own if and how much your time is being wasted, without asking him. If you ask, he might string you along and give you the runaround, for his convenience. Or maybe simply just have a " pace " that is much different from yours ( needs less contact, less closeness ) so he may still " bother " with you but in a way that does not satisfy you.
You decide by yourself if you should still invest your time in him, and how much of it exactly . You don't need to go to him ( or any other man ) hat in hand, begging for his attention.
" if you don't want to talk to a person anymore you should have the decency to tell the person so that they stop bothering you ? "- Well, it's hard to contraddict you, technically you are right, it would be the decent and morally elegant thing to do…
OTH, I really can't blame all the people who feel that, when messages begin not being answered promtly, and then maybe answered one time out of three, and then just ignored and left on read…well, there is really no need for any big official announcement ! of " I don't want to bother with you " , that's clear as daylight from the lack of response, the lack of interest, the lack of reciprocity.
In other words- maybe people should develop their ability to take a hint, before they actually become a bother to the other party….
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2020): Tinder? Seriously?!! You have to wonder?
He's playing a head-game to see how desperate you are. He will charm your socks off. You'll talk for hours and have great conversations. He'll convince you he's been looking for something real; but so far every connection he makes comes-up zilch. It's all a bulging sack of bull manure! It's line that works; he knows you will relate to it.
It starts with a lot of text messages; then they start to become less frequent and random. Then he'll ignore you altogether. Out of the blue, after he left you hanging and wringing your hands. He will tell you he was sooooo busy with work! Meanwhile, he was doing the same crap to about five other women.
Once he knows you're desperate, based on the tell-tale signs of neediness; he will up his game. You've overshared too much about yourself. He knows more than he should about you. He'll piece all your clues together, and become everything you could hope for in a guy. During your long conversations, he's taking notes of your interests. Intermittently, during random-conversations, he offers you his sob-story. You'll relate, and tell him yours. You'll believe you have dozens of things in-common...that's how they get you hooked! He knows your past, and your weaknesses. He is an online-predator/player; and he knows what he's doing.
He's priming you for a hookup.
You wrote DC, because you sense in your gut that something's up!
Once he knows you're well-primed; he will finally want to meet you. When that day comes; you will have sex on the first date. He'll be sweet and affectionate. Maybe he will come around a few more times. You'll have sex. He'll suddenly become distant; and then he will dump you like a hot potato...after wooing you ever so "Tinderly!"
You'll be devastated and pissed-off!
The end!
My advice? Swipe left! Delete and block! When Tinder trolls know you get unsettled and anxious when they ignore your messages; they peg you for easy prey.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (11 May 2020):
In an ideal world people would treat others in a decent manner. We don't live in a perfect world though and some people don't care how their actions affect others. Sounds like he either doesn't have the manners or maybe the balls to tell you he's no longer interested or has found someone else he prefers. Don't contact him any more and see if he makes any effort to contact you. If he doesn't then you have your answer. Not all questions need to be asked verbally.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (10 May 2020):
 I would be inclined to just leave it if i was you, i would not go chasing him asking him whats going on.
This is the thing with internet dating unfortunately, a lot of people make all the right noises and appear really friendly and interested, then just go quiet, and become unresponsive, a term i believe in the dating world referred to as ghosting.
You sent the last text, so the ball is in his court now to respond to you. I know its hard, but this happens at all of us at some point. If you don't get a response soon delete him and move on.
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