A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Best way to deal with someone who says things like "I'm not being funny but" "I don't mean to be awful but". A family member is constantly saying these things. She doesn't always refer to me but generally when talking about other people. Like recently her neighbours have been furloughed and they invited her for a drink at a safe distance in the garden and she said "I can't I'm making the most of my time off as I still have to work and I've not been furloughed" she said to me "I know I sound like a bitch but I don't care. She said "they're sitting on their lazy arses all day. With me she takes the negative in everything. For example I say "my college has started doing zoom classes everyday I'm really glad I'm learning more then before" her answer "well at least you're learning". It's putting me off speaking to her. I ignore my phone most of the time as I can't be bothered. If I have good news it's mostly ignored or has a negative spin put on it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): Drop her like a hot potato, who wants people like this in their life. I would reflect back to her some of her own words, for example: 'not been funny but I have not got time to listen to you, as I want to make the most of my time off'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): Your toxic-relative is a passive-aggressive person who compliments with insults, and insults with compliments. Putting other people down to lift herself up. That's usually a self-defense mechanism for people who are insecure; and they feel they have to get-in the first punch, before somebody sees their flaws.
She follows the rules, so with that she feels entitled to some self-righteousness. You fail to tell her how annoying it is; instead, you sit and listen. You don't have to admonish her or put her on the spot. Sometimes you need to say..."well, that's your opinion; but I don't entirely agree!" Don't be intimidated by her attacks. If she comes for you, or makes indirect slurs; tell her that remark was uncalled for. You modify unwanted-behavior by directly addressing it; or turning it around. You have to set some boundaries that people are not allowed to cross. You reinforce your boundaries tactfully; without being angry, intimidated, or thrown off-balance. You remind them;" I really don't like what you just said, but I'll let it pass." Now and then, set boundaries at the start of the call; and let her know if she has crossed them. Let her know you don't really feel like hearing anything negative about anybody today! It will shorten her communication; if that's the only reason she called.
For the most part, she just likes to hear herself talk. You should take it all with a grain of salt. Try to change the subject, and discuss something on a more positive-note. Every-time she goes negative, you go positive. You'll find she'll lose her footing each time you do that. It will throw her off, and you'll take charge of the conversation. You always let her monopolize the conversation with criticisms, complaints, and insults. Turn her words around by saying something good about whomever she says something bad. When she criticizes you, just tell her; maybe she could set a better example for you. It would certainly be nice, if she wasn't always so negative and critical of everyone.
Ignoring most of her calls is effective; but during shutdown, it's best to do wellness checks and followups on our relatives. No matter how abrasive they may be!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2020):
 Some people are not aware just how negative they are, so it might NOT be a bad idea to gently let her know that you wish she was more postive. However, you can't CHANGE who she is.
I had a neighbor who was a TOTAL Debbie Downer on EVERYTHING, the weather, school uniforms, the opening of a family fitness center, living so close to her family, ANYTHING... It always had a negative spin. And I kind of just started to avoid her, A LOT. Because I didn't want to hurt her feelings but it was DRAINING to be around her. She confronted me, in front of a bunch of people at a "mandatory fun event" at our husband's unit - and I figured I could be vague, or wait until it was just the two of us, but SHE had put Me on the spot in a really rude manner so I figure, OK fair is fair. And I told her that it was hard for me to deal with her negativity in EVERY conversation, so I had pulled back. I really thought she would fly of the handle or be really upset but... she wasn't. Didn't see her for a week or so after, and then she came over and we had a good long talk.
She worked really hard to nip the negativity in the bud. Which made it SO much easier for others to WANT to be around her.
I know she wasn't aware of just HOW negative she was. And how it sends ripples of negativity out and eventually those ripples came right back at her... In form of me :(
When someone says... not to be a bitch, but.... you know it's EXACTLY to be a bitch, yet downplay the bitch part.
Talk to her, if you like her, if not... I'd just let it go in one ear, out the other.
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