A
male
age
41-50,
*ries
writes::RECAP: - http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-ask-her-out-again-after-all.htmlLast week I asked if I should ask out an EX after 8 years of not seeing other and divorces on both sides. We have been talking for the last week and a half and well things were going decent. Well I've had every intention to ask her out, just hate to do it over the phone. Always been told that is not a good way to do it. Always do it in person, yet she lives 30 miles away and with kids on both sides it been hard to find time to hop over to say hi. Anyway, tonight we talked and I believe I said something stupid. As in, "You know me, I have just always had bad luck with women, always seems like I can mess something up and they end up leaving or we just stop talking to each other."Her Reply was, "Well I'm not looking for a relationship. Besides, we did that 8 years ago and well I don't think it will happen again. And anyway the next guy I marry is going to be rich so If things crap out, at least I can get half his stuff, I'm getting screwed in this divorce.. I want to marry for the money"Now with that being said, I honestly don't know where I stand. Granted the whole rich thing was more funny funny, well atleast I thought it was after how we discussed things before. But the other comment just felt like it blew away the chances of anything happening. I just don't know.. I just want to meet up and say.. "Hey, Just let me finish before you reply... I've cared for you and carried a spot in my heart for you ever since we split. One of the reasons I stopped coming by to hang out was just seeing you with someone else hurt. now even 8 years past, I still carry this with me. I don't want to loose you again, and well always wonder what has happened, Even if that meant we never could be together again, just being able to walk along side, and knowing if you ever needed that shoulder, or that hug, or kiss on the forehead to tell you things will be better. I could be there would be enough. I don't want to loose you again."Maybe not that word for word.. but shoot even re reading that it in my mind makes it seem too needy or please go out with me, or idk.. I love her, I don't want to loose her, but I almost feel like If I even tried to make a move, it would kill it all and I would loose her again. It could be paranoia I just don't know. I just don't know what to do.So heres the question/s: Should I just continue along and torture myself thinking it could be possible?Should I ask her out anyway after what she even told me tonight?Should I just stop thinking its possible and give up by falling in line for the friend zone?Or Should I actually tell her my feelings and risk loosing it all?I know I'm a grown man, I've raised my daughter well. She has the self confidence I lack and is very out spoken. Its just I gave up hope of anything after my divorce. I decided to focus on my daughter and raise my daughter instead of searching for another relationship. But this one girl came by and knocked the air out of me. Giving me hope only to bring me despair as well..
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male
reader, Candleman +, writes (21 September 2009):
 My gut is telling me that she is setting you up for the friend thing. However, there are mixed signals. The problem is that you are getting back with her during the divorce stage which is relatively recent. She says that she is scared about being alone, but that she isn't looking for another relationship at this time.
Here's the deal though.... You gotta tell her how you feel, or you will end up torturing the hell out of yourself. You may end up falling into the friend trap when you really don't want this. If you come out and ask her if there is a chance and she says something like "No, I don't see you that way"...or some other polite NO, then you know that is where you stand and you can make the decision of whether you want to invest anymore time or at least so much time with her.
What's prompting you to talk to her is your feelings of wanting to get together with her in a relationship...What is prompting her to talk to you could just be a pleasant diversion during a tough time with a 'friend'.
You are spending a lot of time and energy on this and the only way for you to be fair to yourself is expressing what is inside. You take the mystery out of it this way.
The biggest factor you need to decide is when she is ready, does she see you as a possible partner. So, what you should say is
" I know you may not be ready now, but when you are ready, do you think we may have a chance of getting together?"
Then judge her response. Look at the body language (does her nose look like she's smelling something bad?, does she grimmace?) Keep in mind that her facial expression could just be the thought of getting in a relationship again, but more than likely her facial expression will give you an insight into how she views the notion of being in a relationship with you. This is important because she may say something like "Maybe or Possibly" which are a lot times polite "No's." Or, she says "Yes", but doesn't really mean it.
Ideally though you hope she says convincingly either yes or no. That way the mystery is completely gone. You either have a chance or you don't.
With that said, you probably want to spend some time with her in order for her to get to know you better. She will go out with you, and it will be as the friend thing at first more than likely.
After a date or two, ask the key question. Who knows you may get what you want. Be reassuring in the fact that you understand that she may not be ready now. But, be clear on expressing how you are feeling, or at least the core of what you are feeling. Don't go gushing lovey lovey on her. Now's not the time. Just that you would like to try to be a couple in the future, when she is ready.
If you come on too strong I feel you will blow your chances.
Good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Hi
You sound like a very sweet and romantic man! And that is great! But, hey, the lady in question is going through a rather bad divorce! Right now she needs a friend. AS for that remark of hers, maybe not right away, but... Look, we say things like this all the time... often we don't mean them! Ending a chapter in your life is not easy, and for a woman... there are too many emotions and needs and so much that we need to deal with. Men tend to be a little more rational than us. SO, please, right now give her some space. DO NOT RUSH. After so many years, let it all build into friendship first. This is a very sneaky to win the woman. Ok. And, hey you do not want to be the man that helps her get back. You want to be the man. But, immediately, no. IT will take some time. Be there for her and GIVE HER SPACE. IF you really think this is it.. then I am sure you can wait, right. Perhaps you have been rushing into relationships before you let them grow? Take it easy. AND be funny, be caring, give her an occasional call, maybe send her some flowers (like daisies, which are the sign of the independent woman) on some especially rough days, help her laugh and just give this relationship bloom. Once, she thinks that you WANT to be friends, maybe she will invite you over?? Go there, and socialize. See how you have both changed over the years, and later, when she gives off all the signals, sweep her off her feet.
Be patient and give her space. Let it grow. AND in the meant time, go out and have some fun...like, go on a road tip alone, or museums or exhibitions... Have a full life, so she will want to be a part of it too!!!
Good Luck!!!
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A
female
reader, kat1201  +, writes (21 September 2009):
I think you need to take a step back and just carry on talking to her and being there as a 'friend' for her. You haven't been in touch for such a long time, you need to get to know each other again, 'cos things have changed since you were together in a relationship.
Even tho I am a great believer in straight talking, I think jumping right in ths time would prob not be the right thing to do. She is hurting and going thru a divorce, and has told you she doesn't want another relatonship - however, she hasn't said she doesn't EVER want another relationship. She needs time to gather herself again and sort herself out.
If you can be there for her a friend and a shoulder then fantastic - I'm sure she will appreciate it, but I also think if you push it too fast now - and do the whole heavy talk bit, it will scare her away.
If she still has feelings for you, then they won't go away overnight and they will only get stronger.
Give it a bit longer and then suggest you meet for coffee and a chat - that way you will see how the land lies when you are face to face.
Hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, ashton70354 +, writes (21 September 2009):
DONT DO IT honestly im only 18 but between my dad and my mom ive been through 7 divorces and as we speak my dad is loosing his beautiful house to his soon to be exwife and my mom is out of town going to school for her new job to make more money so that my lil bro can keep living the way he is (yes i help financially too) and my moms going through a divorce right now she had to start from scratch buy a house move in work on the house ect... and idk how old your daughter is but my lil bro is 13 and i was around divorce all my life and it did a number on me anger management stress fighting (stayed away from drugs though) but im rambling the point im trying to make is at this time of your life dont RISK putting your daughter through the arguing and badmouthing that come with an unsuccessful attemp to make a rlationship work my moms first husband they got divorced and tryed to make it work for 5 YEARS and thats were my anger and violence came from so be wise of your family and then you coming from somone whose been through alot
good luck and God bless
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