A
male
age
36-40,
*tt87
writes:I started dating this girl about 5 weeks ago. We just met this summer and we started dating about a month after we met. The relationship has been great so far and she's the first girl I have ever loved and she says I am the first guy she has loved too. We have been having sex since we started dating. Recently she told me that before we started dating that she had been hooking up with a common friend (whom we both met this summer at approximately the same time too) before we started dating. She told me it only happened three times and it was 2 weeks before we actually started dating, however even after we started dating we all used to hang out in a group together. I feel like this broke a lot of trust between us and I am having a hard time getting over it. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think of her with the other guy. Is it wrong to be so angry about this considering it happened before we started dating? Also from what she has said it feels like she has hooked up with a lot of guys before me and is very open sexually. Is it wrong to ask a girl how many guys she has said sex with before me?So basically my question in simple form is: Should I ask her about her previous boyfriends and hookups and should I be worried about it, and also is it right to be angry that she hooked up with someone right before me and then didn't tell me about it until now?
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male
reader, Stanley Cup +, writes (26 July 2007):
Hey stt87, why are you so concerned about her past? What really matters is the present. And right now she is with you. When people focus on what is behind them, then they don't see all the great things that are around them right then. The thing that you need to keep in mind is that, right now, she has chosen to spend her time with you. If you don't focus on the fact that she is with you now, but instead focus on what she was doing before she met you, then you are going to drive yourself crazy.
Do you, like Capt. Kirk from Star Trek, want "to boldly go where no man has gone before"? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you're around 20 yrs. old, and in this day and age, most women are going to have a past. Don't you have a past also? Is your girlfriend obsessing over it?
Have you ever seen the movies "Office Space" or "Chasing Amy"? The characters in those movies also have difficulties when they learn of their girlfriends' history. Maybe watching those movies could help you.
When it comes down to it, learning about her past is decision that you are going to have to make yourself. Only you know how much her history means to you. But in my opinion, ignorance is bliss.
A
male
reader, stt87 +, writes (26 July 2007):
stt87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the help guys, helps me see things a little more clearly. The question probably makes me sound a lot more paranoid than I really am, but I really don't want to mess up this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): Ok, say you ask, and she comes back with "I've slept with 7 guys, 4 of them were one night stands and I've also given oral to a few guys at some parties too. I lost my virginity at 15 and I kinda regret it coz the guy was a lot older and he was quite rough too"
Is that going to make you feel worse, or better?
What if you are then plagued with thoughts of what she did with them so you ask her and she starts telling you some of the stuff she's done with each of the guys?
And then you find out you knew a guy or two? Then she lets it slip that she used to say "I love you" to the other guys, but didn't really mean it, because it's obviously different with you. How will you feel then?
You find out shes done oral, and tried anal sex, but she doesn't want to do it with you, because she feels different with you and that the previous times she did it, she didn't care about the guys and that she wants this time to be different.
Think you'll be OK with that? If so - go ahead - ask her!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 OK, here's my sarcastic answer, tell me if it sounds good.....Yes, you should worry. Try to worry about it as much as possible. That will make you feel terrible and really get under her skin. You'll be miserable and nobody will want to be around you. Eventually, she will find peace somewhere else, perhaps with the guy she was with just before you If that doesn't work, waive a magic wand and click your heels together three times. That erases the past.......Do you see my point?
It's really none of your business and judging by your poor attitude now.....don't ask. You can't handle the truth. That is blunt but true. What do you hope to gain from this? You have to separate today from the past. If she had been with the guy 3 months before you, what then, 5 months, 9 months....Where do you draw the line? The thing is this, you can't draw the line because it's a inappropriate line to draw and it's got nothing to do with you. If you don't accept her, move on and give her the peace she deserves.
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A
female
reader, Michelley-ox  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 i think you are worring over nothing as she hasnt actually done anything wrong.
yeh she may have hooked up with someone before you and her but everyone has a past and thats were it should stay in the past.
their is no point in stressing overt somthing that has already happend you cant change it you just need to get over it.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Ok she has done nothing wrong all of this happened before you and her started seeing each other, so why you should consider it as breaking your trust i don't know.
Has she done anything to make you doubt her since you have been together?
Well then, chill out babe because if you carry on down this path your relationship will not last much longer.
Why beat yourself up with what has happened in the past as it is in the past for a reason, and you clearly can't deal with the thought of knowing.
All the time she is being faithful to her, i would just leave the past where it belongs.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): You know what. I would. Because if you love eachother, y not ? and theres no harm in askin, and if there is. Theres a problem.
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