A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, hopefully you can help me out! There is an awful lot of background information here but I think it’s necessary for the ultimate question which is whether I should revisit a dark time in my life to apologise, or leave it glossed over. Please read to the end if you would be so kind as to leave advice. Thank you.Once upon a time in secondary school I met a girl, let’s call her F. F is the most amazing girl that I have ever met and within a couple of weeks I became completely infatuated with her. She's the only person to this day that I can remember with complete clarity the precise moment that I first laid eyes on her. During this year I tried to approach her in a subtle and friendly way but I couldn't find an opening.The next year I entered my Sixth Form and most of my friends went away to other colleges. As a result, I started hanging out with one of my remaining friends and his other friends. As the new group sort of joined together with people in similar circumstances, it turned out that F was pretty much at the centre of things.Over the next couple of months, I get to know F quite well and I end up falling in head over heels in love with her and everything about her. Unfortunately, things start to go downhill from here when I managed to muster the courage to ask her if she wants to go to the cinema. At the time she said yes, and after I'd walked home the happiest I'd ever been in my life I noticed a text sent about 2 minutes after she'd said that she'd go, saying that it sounded too much like a date and that she'd have to turn me down.Naturally, this crushes me and I can't bring myself to see her at all the following week. Now I said that F is a nice girl, and she is. So when, at the new year’s eve party a couple of weeks later she hears that I've been reduced to tears by a mixture of sympathetic friends, bad memories and alcohol she asked me if I wanted to talk to her and sort things out. Having composed myself by this point, I choose the simple option and denied all knowledge of the event, leading her to question the reliability of her informant.After this point, several visits to a psychiatrist for panic attacks and having sat my January exams, I began to notice F starting to avoid me. It turns out that over this period of time I started to scare her by unknowingly staring in her direction when wallowing in self-pity amongst other similarly unnerving and unintentional things. I was told this during an argument with a mutual friend a short while later on and as soon as the words registered in my brain I snapped out of it shocked and repulsed at the idea of hurting F through any means.Now to this year, and the final year in this insanely long post. In the period of months following that incident I became gradually more comfortable with the idea that all I would ever do is hurt her and she'd be better off on her own. Today, we have a situation where F has found a Boyfriend who she is living with at her parents’ house and who I get along with very well. On top of this, I am now quite close to F as a friend due to calming down a great deal around her.I am genuinely happy for her, and while I still feel strongly for her, its changed into something almost paternal or more altruistic than before. Agape, if you will.[Sorry for putting you through background material long enough to rival Enduring Love, the next bit is the question, honestly!]We are now on the eve of leaving for university and only have a couple of weeks of each other’s company left. While I am happy with my current situation I am really worried that I hurt her during those dark months and I want to apologise. More than that, I want to get everything out in the open with her. I mean, considering it’s been such a large and partially regrettable part of my life, I have never told her how I felt. Even when I asked her on the date things where ambiguous at best and I regret not talking to her that New Year’s Eve.You mustn't misunderstand me, my goal here isn't to usurp F's boyfriend with displays of affection. I don't deserve her. But I feel that things haven’t ended correctly, part of it feels like it’s still open and it just so happens that part is made up entirely of remorse. It instantly depresses me to think of how I might have effected those months of her life.I want to ask her if I hurt her, I want to apologise and may be even tell her how I felt, how I feel now. I want to find a way of making it up to her. I don't want to still feel like this at Uni because then I won't have the opportunity to right it until we meet up again as a group at Christmas, months of pottential torture.The problem is that I don't want to destroy the friendship we've built since. We never mention that time, as if it never happened; it’s even a taboo amongst our friends. For every sense telling me that I need to get things off my chest, another is telling me to stay quiet and let things carry on as if nothing ever happened. It'd be easier for me on the face of it because I can still enjoy her company and see her smile. But what would be best for her? What would be better for me in the long term as well?If you have read to this point, I thank you for your incredible patience. If you can provide me with any response to this madness please do so, it would truly be appreciated.
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christmas, crush, period, text, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): If you talk to her about what you would like to, you will alienate yourself from her and quite possibly some of your friends as well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): 'cindy cares' below, has it spot on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Frankly, the best for you would be to snap out of this romantic reverie , stop gazing at your navel, and focusing more on your stUdies, friends, hobbies, because if you can devote so much thought to this episode , it means you've got too much time on your hands.
First, it's never good getting stuck in the past, the only people it benefits are your shrinks- life moves onward. Second, you are blowing this things out of proportion. You did not hurt her , you did not ever give her any mental trauma , what happened is a very normal thing that happens in the life of most girls and boys and I doubt that ,now that she has a live in boyfriend, she gives any particular weight to this episode.
Put it simply, what happened is that you got a crush on a girl, she turned you down, you took it badly, she, being the nice girl she is, wanted to make sure you were ok, you minimized , and she said oh well and went on with her life
If then you have acted ( unwillingly ) too intense or weird or stalkerish, it's NORMAL that she might have been freaked out, or uncomfortable, but, knowing that you liked her ( she knows, she knows, granted ) she probably was not that surprised either and I assure you she won't have lost any sleep over that. Life went on, she got her boyfriend, you calmed down, revamped your friendship, and now you can have a normal pleasant relationship with her , with a smidge of wistfulness ,but not overwhelmed by your emotions.
All is well that ends well, why do you want to go and complicate things , and create dramas where there aren't any ?
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A
female
reader, bluegriffin  +, writes (20 May 2011):
u scared her the first time. u will undoubtedly will scare her again. falling like that for someone u never even dated is a little out of the ordinary. she felt ur, excuse me, obsession and she knew even a friendly date would lead u too far. leave the subject alone. it will most likely make her feel awkward. shes just starting to thnk ur not a psycho. dont ruin that for her or urself. u care too much. find urself a nice girl and forget about that whole uncomfortable situation.
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