A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Not sure if you can help me but I need some advice. I was married for 5 years and then divorced (married a bad man) anyway didn't think I would find someone so soon after but I did. I met my current BF 1 year after my divorce was final. Anyway I have a great job and great friends, I live in one of the most beautiful ciites in the country and generally love my life. My BF has to move to the otherside of the world for 13 months with work. LDR is not an option.I am going with him as I want our relationship to work and I think we are going to have a great time (our relationship is very good) None of my friends think it is a good idea as I may not be able to work due to visa restraints and I am a natrually career orientated person. Also they are worried I am giving up everything. I am looking forward to taking a year off with him and focusing on my health and taking care of myself (and him) for a little while. We will NOT be staying in the new country longer than 13 months and we will be coming home as we both very much love where we live now. My question is, am I crazy to take this time to enjoy a new experience? Or should I continue to focus on my career and let this opportunity pass?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 Funny, the last anon female advise exactly the opposite of what I would. Well, that's the beauty of DC - different opinions, different suggestions among which choosing from.
But this particular suggestion sounds as good and PC in theory as dangerously bad in practice, that , with all due respect to the anon, I'll have to reiterate : no,please, whatever you do, do not use up your savings on this trip.
One year abroad with no income, can really cost you a bundle ( depending where you live of course ), it can really use up all your resources. For a man whom you are not married with, and whom you have no idea yet if you still be with one year from now. And for going to a place where you would NOT be going on your own if you had not met him. It's his idea, his initiative- let him pay ( in case you CAN'T work ).
A year abroad , widening your horizons, can be a wonderful intellectual and spiritual enruchment, therefore, priceless. But , in this case, ... take one year to study, say, painting in the South of France, or cooking in Italy, or whatever YOU dream to do. Do not use your money to make his dream come true. I know that if you are in love you see his dream like your common dream, his success like your success... his future as your shared future ,but.... it ain't necessarily so... and if it isn't so, you'd sorely regret having plunked so much capital in the enterprise..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Only go if you can support yourself financially from your own savings and not have to use any of his money. You should split the rent equally with him, split the bills and food equally too. Don't mooch off of him just because you're giving up your job, that's not a nice thing to do to someone (making yourself dependent on them so they have to support you), and it puts you in a bad position. Some women (not saying you're one of them) think that making themselves financially dependent on their boyfriends will progress the relationship because it makes the relationship look more similar to a marriage. That's not a good practice. It often builds resentment in the man. if you have enough savings that you could live off of it for a year (like if you had never met him), then go ahead and do it. If you need to have him pay for your expenses, then don't do it, keep your job here and either try the LDR thing or break up now and resume your relationship when he returns in 13 months and if he's still single.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 well it will depend on how it affects your job here...
how long you have been with him... and if you want to FORCE living together at this point.. also are you willing to not work and be DEPENDENT on this man for practically everything?
I'm not thinking this is a well thought out plan to be honest.
why is LDR not an option?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Yes go for it, but have a plan for enriching yourself so that when you eventually have to go back to your job or look for a new one, you can use this year abroad as a good "story ". Don't just spend a year sightseeing or lazing around. Do volunteer work in the local charities. Or write a book. Do something useful while you're there.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Why is LDR not an option?
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A
female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (2 September 2013):
You've got some great comments here, and I agree with the others that it partially depends how long you've been with him and how secure and established your relationship is.Because the one comment that struck me was that you said that an 'LDR is not an option'My comment may seem like a catch 22, but as I see it; IF this relationship is worth the 13 month life-change, then it WOULD be strong enough to survive a 13 month LDR. IF the relationship is not strong enough to survive a 13 month LDR, then it is not worthy of turning your life upside down for. Despite all this, it also depends how much you are going for him, and how much you would actually enjoy the adventure for yourself. If you went, but ended up separating in eighteen months or so, would you still look back on it as an exciting new venture which you would otherwise never have experienced- or would you regret having sacrificed your currently very settled and secure life in a city you love?Final point- can your employer keep your job open for you to return to in 13 months? -And if not, are you in a career where you could easily pick up another job in a similar position when you get back? Alternatively, could they hold your position for you for six months, if not the full 13; so that you could even consider a compromise position where you go away with him for half of the fixed term that he's away for?Honestly, I'd be far more enthusiastic to say 'go- you're perfect together and you'll have a ball!' if you voiced it that 'I KNOW that we're strong enough and committed enough to make an LDR last for the fixed term, but I want to go with and be a part of the adventure!'
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): From my experience, 13 months is too long to be considered a break. You will get bored and problems will arise. But that's just me and my partners experience.What does your boyfriend think about this?Probably it works best if you stay and keep your job, and spend a short break with him every 3 months or so.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 September 2013):
You don't say how long you have been dating this man , and this makes a noticeable difference. If he is a new entry of the last 3 or 4 months , what you are planning to do is totally reckless : following a man at the other end of the world out of " love " ? .. You don't even know if it is love yet !, you'd really risk finding yourself up the creek without a paddle.
If instead it is a more secure, established relationship, your move may make sense, after all building a common future together often requires sacrifices and adjustments. ( Then again, if it is an established relationship, would he just give it up because he can't do long distance ?... doubtful ).
Even if you are sure, 100% sure, that this is the real thing and you are out of the infatuation stage, though, proceed with caution , and think it over very well.
I don't think the problem is that if you can't work abroad, you'll get bored, that's highly subjective. One year abroad just being a tourist, taking in the sights, getting to know the locals , and learning about their culture, food, history, passtimes, etc. may be a very exciting, rewarding experience .
BUT : while your great friends and beautiful city will still be there to greet you back in 13 months, maybe that does not apply to your great job. Would they take you back, or would you have to look for another job ? How long do you think it would take you ? How realistic your chances are that you could find something equally lucrative and gratifying, with the same role or better than what you have now ? since you are career oriented, what weight would a 13 months pause would have in your career ?...
Also : how does it work financially ? If he is able to support you fully ( and graciously, without begrudging it ) while you are there not working and not earning, fine. If you have to use up your savings to stay there and keep him company... oh no please don't do it. I know you'd see that as investing in your love, but, alas, loves may end- while dental bills, home repairs, and all kind of financial emergencies can crop up for the rest of your life.
What about the house where you live ? ( supposing you like where you live ) Is it yours, and you'd just go back to it , or should you rent somewhere else ? If you can only find places in worse neighborhood, or at higher rent, or less spacious etc..., would that bother you a lot, a little or nothing at all ?
As you can see, there's more to consider than just " what if when I am there I've got too much time on my hands ". If you are a resourceful, self sufficent person, that 's seldom really a big problem : you enjoy the time with your bf when he's at home, ... and you find somethimg else to do , try or learn when he's not. There are other factors to consider accurately, and from your post I am not sure you did already. If you did not... please start doing it now.
P:S: : now that I think of it , are you sure you can STAY there legally for over a year ? You say that they would not give you a work visa, and you are not married to this guy so you won't get an accompanying familiar visa. Can you get a visitor/ tourist visa for more than 6 months ?... Just curious :)
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Hi, you are making a huge sacrifice for this man, you cannot be faulted for being in love, however would he do the same for you? If you agree what is he willing to do for you? Why is LDR not an option, can he not trust himself? Does he not love you enough to make this work? If you maintain LDR how often can you travel to see him or he you? Why is it all or nothing?
Just remember you are making a huge sacrifice and I just hope its worth it and you never regret the decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): You are not giving up anything FOR HIM if you are doing this for yourself. Taking a break from your career can be a great way to refresh yourself if income and obligations are not an issue.As long as you can resume your career when you want to I think its fine. For some careers or at some stages of a career taking a year off is career suicide. it can totally derail the career. Only you know if that is the case for you or not. If not then I don't see what harm there is in taking a year off if you can financially afford it. I have a friend who has taken a year off from his career. He will be resuming it in 2 months. It will be a new job with a different organization but in the same field. He is 40 years old, no kids or marriage. I envy him. I just don't believe that its only college age young adults who get to "take a year off ". I never did when I was that age and I wish I could now. If you have the opportunity and the financial resources I say go for it! If you wait til you are old you may have too many obligations like caring for elderly relatives or kids. This may be your last chance to do something carefree and adventurous for such an extended time. Just make sure you are doing it for YOU and not just because you don't want him to break up with you. Do make sure however that you can financially afford this. I cant stress that enough. Don't rely on him. If the relationship doesn't work out you need to be able to resume your old life or walk into a new one fairly quickly.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Although you have told us you met your current boyfriend one year after your divorce was final you don't say how long you have been together for. You also don't say if you are currently living together, both these factors would give a clearer picture of your relationship as it stands today, right at this minute.
I was pleased to see you describe this as an opportunity, however, if your relationship is of short duration I would advise you proceed with due caution.
If you are wanting to work on yourself and health issues research first, make sure this can happen. If you are career orientated you will need to make sure you days will be fulfilling and that, once the initial excitement wears off, you do not fall prey to boredom.
If you are having an absolute ball you will find the 13 months will go by in a flash, but if it doesn't meet expectations the time away will seem an eternity. Make sure you have access to the funds required if you need to leave early. Remember if you do not find work immediately on your return there could be a waiting period before you can apply for Centrelink, so I would contact one of their financial advisors for an appointment if you feel you may require their services.
A niece has just returned from a gated community in Maun, with her fiancé, she loved it, and a friend is currently in Asia, he husband is working while she is unable to work but attending cooking and dance classes and thoroughly enjoying herself.
I think as long as you do your research and cover all the bases you should be okay.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2013):
 What is your plan?
1. can you get a years leave from your job? Or would have to find a new job when getting back home? If so how is the job market for whatever career field you are in? How about him? Is this 13 months just an assignment - does he have a permanent job to come back to? What IF he gets send elsewhere again later on?
2. Do you currently rent a home or own? What are you planning to do with your house/apartment? Your stuff ? Can YOU (NOT HIM) afford 13 months storage?
3. Are you willing to be 100% dependent on someone? I can see a month or even 3 (if you could get the time of work) but 13? IF you can't work there due to visa issues, what are you going to do with yourself?
4. YOU ARE giving up everything. EVEN if it just for 13 months. I didn't think it would be a big deal when I met my husband (who is American and I'm from Europe) because I ALWAYS figured we would be able to (at one point in time ) to move back closer to my family. I'm still here 16 years later.
5. WHAT is he giving up? NOT a thing. And that is the biggest thing right there. YOU giving up EVERYTHING - him nothing. It makes it uneven.
6. WHY exactly isn't LRD an option? I can't COUNT the amount of military wives who have to carry on a MARRIAGE with a spouse who not only is deployed to WAR zones, but at any given time can be sent just about any where in the world for any amount of time, some of these wives DO NOT give up their careers, while the husband/BF/Fiance do a 2 year tour to Korea, Germany, Japan, Guam (just to name a few) yet they manage to work a LRD JUST fine. SO why can't you?
7. Write a pro and con list, talk it out with friend whom you can trust, that way you don;t put on rose colored glasses while filling it out.
8. DO you currently live with him?
9 You wrote focus on your health, what exactly do you need to focus on? IS your health not good?
Ask yourself ALL the HARD questions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): I think you're smitten and not thinking this over carefully. You're acting like an inexperienced schoolgirl.
You met a man recently after a divorce!!!
You're going to give up everything and move to another country, completely at his mercy?
What happens if things don't go well?
What if you discover bad things about him you don't know now, or find him compatible?
You would have to come back and start your life all over, and recover from yet another broken relationship. Not to jinx your new love-affair; but you have a lot to consider here.
You'll be isolated from friends and family, have limited financial independence, give up a good job, and a great home.
You hardly had time to get over a divorce, before you jumped into another committed relationship.
You'll have an LDR with your own family and friends.
You'll be with someone living as if you're his wife, totally dependent on him for everything. You can't even use your job-skills and education to contribute to living expenses; or build your own financial cushion. You hardly know this guy.
You'll smother him due to your feeling of displacement; and you'll miss your own home and country. Not to mention possible culture-shock. You'll be a foreigner, and making friends will not be as easy; if you can't get around on your own.
Whoa! You better slow down a bit lady, and give this a lot of thought. Your friends are right.
You can't just walk back to your job; you'll have to start from the ground up somewhere else. If you were a 21 year-old grad student, I could see you dropping everything. You worked your whole life to get where you are, and you're finally happy and independent.
I hope the lady aunts get you to think. I think you're swept off your feet, and not thinking straight.
Are you crazy? YES, YOU ARE!
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