A
female
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*ERENE
writes:Hi all,I am married and I have been having an affair for the past 10 months. I know its wrong and I have learnt to accept that. I fell in love with the new man. About 6 weeks ago, his attitude towards me changed.He keeps on saying he has to work longer hours, he is always busy and cannot find the time to see me as his family suspects that he is up to "something". I have been hurt and tramutised by this. I have returned the gifts he has given me by post and asked that he does the same. He has not returned anything to date. I have sent him an email yesterday, requesting he returns it so that I can give it to the Drug Rehab Centre, and if he chooses to pay then I chose a fund that he can donate it to. He phoned me in the afternoon, and told me that he is sorry for the way things turned out, but would like to be my friend. My greatest fear is: Can I accept his friendship, How do I know that 6 months down the line he doesn't change again, How far will this friendship go, How do I behave towards him knowing that he let me down so badly, Can he be trusted. I did tell him I can't be friends with him and he said I shud try as he misses me. Please help me if you can. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): Let him go. The friends thing won't work and if he was truly committed to you then you would be divorcing your husband and living with him now.
I know how you feel. Your heart is torn between two people but it is not healthy to continue to think this guy wants anything more from you. He is making it very clear to you by not spending time with you and telling you out right that he is sorry for how things turned out. I recommend that you go see a counselor to sort through all this. You need someone that you can talk to that can remain objective and help you determine what you want for your marriage and your life. As for the gifts just let him have them, you did give them to him after all.
P.S. Some people here tend to be on the judgemental side of things and don't offer any meaningful advice. Please ignore those people and focus on the more positive advice that others have given you. I wish you well.
-J
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): You cannot be friends with this man....this is something you should just walk away from. It may be painful to you but it beats having him string you along. You will be better off in the long run.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): Dear Friend,
Keep away from him or you will hurt yourself more. I have been there...and is still hurting within. Please please please keep away.
Good luck...
A well wisher
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 November 2006):
 awww poor you. Only you can help yourself. They only people who deserve sympathy here are his and your families.
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A
female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (1 November 2006):
 I think you are looking at the gifts you gave him as a hook. You seem to believe that as he hasn't returned them, he doesn't believe the affair is over. His excuses are all about external events, like a suspicious family and large workload, containing his activities with you, rather than him deciding to act honorably to everyone concerned (that includes you).
He probably doesn't want to completely end this little dalliance with you and would like to turn up for a little fun in the future, you might move on if he returned whatever these important Indian Given goodies are. Tell you what, give your husband as much attention as you have given these trinkets, see if you can live up to your vows, for both your sakes. If not, maybe you can look at things from your husbands point of view, do you think this is what he wants from marriage? Perhaps the first step is to find out what the best solution is to your marriage, with only two people involved. You and your husband both deserve better than what has been going on in the last 6 months.
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A
female
reader, lovely1000 +, writes (1 November 2006):
is he married?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): I agree with Eddie.
I think you are very confused right now and this guy will only add to that confusion. The best thing you can do is break contact from him and sort out the things in your head that need sorting out. Statements like "I know its wrong and I have learnt to accept that.", for example.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 November 2006):
 You ask if he can be trusted. No, and neither can you !! Who cares about the gifts and the all the trivial aspects of this. You're living in the world of "poor me". You say you have learned to accept the fact your affair is wrong. I hope it wasn't a big struggle for you. This was a sneaky, unfair encounter that you had and you're trying to treat it like a divorce. You're trying to justify the relationship by salvaging something out of it like donating his returned gifts to a drug rehab. You're spending too much time dreaming here about the trivial points instead of thinking about how much potential pain you've caused to your husband.
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