A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need to start off by saying I am emotionally in a bad place these last few days, and I may be all over the place with this. I severely need help from unbiased views. I feel uncomfortable talking with friends about this. An ex bf of mine (was together 4 years) has dated a handful of girls since we broke up about a year ago. He's been with someone for about 5 months now.We have been in contact, not in contact, mad at each other, loving each other, confused, pretty much every emotion you name it since our break up. I still to this day, 1 year later, do not understand where he's coming from. When we were together it's like I understood him completely, but now I don't understand him at all. He recently told me he wants to start completely over with me as friends, rebuild everything, and see where things go and just let things go naturally, if we end up getting back together then we do.My issue is well...he has a girlfriend. Now she is a nice girl I don't have an issue with her, but I'm having a hard time understanding what my ex boyfriend wants from me when he still wants to stay with this girl. So from what I understand, he wants to stay with his girlfriend AND ALSO wants him and I to start over a friendship and see where things go. He says he misses me and never wanted me out of his life. I feel like if he really cared about me like he says he does, and really wanted to start over with me and see where it takes us, then he would not be in a relationship right now. I feel like this is being unfaithful to his girlfriend honestly.Now I'm quite inexperienced when it comes to relationships, but something tells me this is not what normal ex bf/gfs do, that they don't start over with each other and see where things go especially while in a relationship. I asked him point blank , "well what about your girlfriend?" and he says "well you and I aren't dating and don't have anything going on so there's nothing wrong going on" To say I'm confused and mind boggled would be an understatement. I wouldn't be putting up with this and asking for advice if I didn't care about him. I probably sound like an idiot but I legit don't know what to do. Am I over thinking this whole thing? Or does something not seem right?Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 Off course you are not an idiot, he is. If he wants a friendship well then I think you need to tell him you don't want him as a friend as you will only develop feelings for him, plus if he doesn't see it as a problem you and him being friends, invite yourself over to hang out with him and his girlfriend, it will show if he thinks he is doing wrong or not. I certainly wouldn't want my man to be talking to his ex the way he is talking to you.
It sounds like he is leading you on, so that you are his back up plan in case things don't go well between him and his girlfriend, and vice versa he is testing the waters with you but staying with his girlfriend. He is being very selfish and I would just tell him you want to move forward and break all contact.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 You could of course, to be sure he’s on the up and up and he’s talked with her about it, go to her and tell her that you are looking forward to getting to know her as you and your ex will be still friends.*Pause while that soaks in*Now, you mentioned you are inexperienced but that doesn’t mean you can’t have some common sense, does it? Is there something that has set you up to be manipulated by people around you? I hope not! If there is, work on that instead of trying to become ‘friends’ with your ex behind his girlfriend’s back.I’ve compiled what I hope will be a useful list of similar questions, so that you can benefit from the advice other aunts have given on similar topics. :)http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-be-happy-for-my-ex-fiance.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-stay-good-friends-with-my-ex.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-cheated-and-left-me-so-why.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/its-been-a-year-and-im-still-upset.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex-contacted-me-months-later-to-make.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/ex-moved-on-with-someone-else-quickly-does.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-has-a-new-girlfriend-so-what-does.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/hurts-me-that-ex-bf-found-love-and.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/would-you-ever-be-friends-with-an-ex.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/hurts-me-that-ex-bf-found-love-and.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-of-3-years-cheated-broke-up-with.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/find-myself-with-no-one-after-break-up.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-guy-having-an-emotional-affair-with.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-fiance-and-i-broke-up-how-can.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-he-be-in-love-with-the.html
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2016):
 I totally agree that he wants his cake and eat it too.
I would just to toy with him before I kick him to the curb ask him what his GF thinks about you two being friends "she doesn't know" is going to come out of his mouth.
He probably thinks he can keep you as a little something on the side.
You may be inexperienced with relationships but your instincts are excellent.
I'll channel Nancy Regan... Just say NO.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 This is really not that difficult a problem; in fact, if anything he's made it simple for you.
Look, he's clearly being an ass and unfaithful to his girlfriend. No points for guessing that. He's also stringing you along by dangling a carrot in front of you. He wants the best of both worlds. He knows you're not over him yet and he's using that to his advantage.
As I said OP, he's made things super simple for you. Whatever confusions that you had, should all be clear now.
You did the right thing breaking up with him. He's not worth your time and if you had second thoughts, now is the time for the mental cobwebs to clear. If someone really loved you or wanted to be with you, he would do it in the right, honorable way. Not like this. It's a very simple decision really. Just thank him for the offer, cut him out of your life, end the drama and move on... For good. Time to close this chapter. And have no contact with him whatsoever.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2016):
 I think you know exactly why this is something you are questioning. Because it's not right of him to ask this of you, while keeping a GF. You even asked him point blank and he gave you some blanket statement that you wouldn't be "dating" so it was OK. IT FEELS wrong, because it IS wrong.
Either he is stringing HER along or you, or... both. Which really isn't fair.
If he isn't sure about you OR her, maybe he shouldn't be dating her and "starting" over with you.. should he?
He is not looking to be best buds with you, he wants to rekindle what you had, starting with a "friendship". Which seems to me like he has discovered that the GF's he had after you, weren't really what he wanted so he is trying to go back to the last thing that DID work, you. Doesn't mean YOU and him would work again. You two broke up for a reason.
If I were you, I would wish him well and cut the contact (again). He is dangling the carrot of "getting back together" with you, but he isn't really offering you to be exclusive or start over - if he was, he would not be keeping the GF.
Put yourself in his GF's shoes, how would you feel if your BF started to re-kindle something with an ex, to see where it goes? while still dating you? Not great, right?
What he is doing is trying to maintain a "GF safety net" if things don't work out with HER he has you, and if things don't work out with YOU he still has her. Pretty selfish, if you ask me.
And if I were you I'd look elsewhere for a partner, I don't think he is a very good BF.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 Well what's a strange one I must admit. Maybe he feels guilty about the break up, or perhaps he wants to keep you on the back burner in case things go wrong with his girlfriend? When you say he wants to see where things go and keep his girlfriend, makes me think his intentions are to keep you as a 2nd option. What an idiot.
The fact is, whatever his reasoning behind this, it doesn't matter. What do YOU want? Do you want to be friends with him?
Personally, I think you should block and delete him. I strongly believe keeping in contact with an ex brings back feelings from when you were together, which makes it very difficult to carry on with your own life. I bet his girlfriend doesn't know about this. It IS being unfaithful to her.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 April 2016):
 You are certainly correct in saying something doesn't seem right. Because it isn't. Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds; to have the comfort of his gf, whom he doesn't want to leave, while also having you there, securely placed aside, in case anything goes wrong with his gf.
If he were being honest, he would either 1.) leave his gf and attempt to freshly work things out with you, or 2.) tell you that you two can only be friends as long as he is with his current gf. But the BS about you two "seeing where it goes" is inappropriate and unfair. It potentially leaves you needlessly hanging on, which it sounds like he wants, while simultaneously being unfaithful to his gf.
I wouldn't do it if I were you. I would thank him for his offer but tell him that if he wants another shot with you, he knows where to find you when he's single. Other than that, I'd take no part in it. A person who loves you and wants to be with you will be with you. Simple as that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): I think you're completely right in that if he really cared about you he wouldn't be with her. I think he is hoping to make you his back up girl he can always go back to when things don't work out with other girls. Whether or not that's the case, I think his behaviour is disrespectful to both you and his girlfriend. I think you should tell him that you can never properly move on with him in your life and then cut contact. You don't need someone so confusing and emotionally unavailable in your life.
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