A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for nearly 2 years and just found out something that has brought up a few issues for me, and I'm not sure what to think.Basically when I went to use facebook, he'd left his account logged in, and I saw an interesting message. He'd messaged an ex out of the blue, saying he'd found a photo of her in his desk at work and it got him thinking, if things had gone differently, they'd now have a 3yo. wtf?! I never heard about this before! I don't know what exactly happened, if the ex had an abortion or miscarriage, but at any rate, the baby never happened. Anyway, the ex replied to the message, and there's been a little back and forth between them in last couple days. It appears the ex moved overseas later that year, and is still there. I'm not sure whether they officially split up first, but in a reply to the messages, my bf tells this girl that he was seriously thinking of following her overseas and asking her to marry him. wtf no 2!Now, the issues this brings up for me... 1. Should he have told me that he got someone pregnant, even though it's in the past and nothing came of it. He told me about his sister having an unexpected pregnancy that ended in miscarriage over 10 years ago, prolly not something she'd want people knowing now, so it seems a bit hypocritical on his behalf? It certainly is a lot more horrible to find out about it this way, whereas I think if he told me, I'd still be a bit shocked, but at least he could set the story straight and reassure me that the past is in the past.2. Why does he still have a photo of the ex in his desk at work? (I don't think he has one of me, but I would have to ask and find out.) I will give him the benefit of the doubt here, and assume the ex's pic got lost amongst other crap, and he found it when cleaning up. When I came across other "forgotten" crap in the desk at home, like photos, cards and letters from exes, he threw it out.3. We have talked before about his past a bit, after finding the "forgotten" crap, as we'd only been together a few months at the time, I didn't feel exactly secure on seeing it, eg, found a valentines card for another ex requesting her to "stay with me forever". I didn't ask for specifics of how many, names, where when etc, just about what appeared to be the main ones from the desk stuff, and why did you split up. But there was certainly no mention of this particular ex. Hell he was going to ask her to marry him! That's a pretty serious ex! 4. As mentioned, I don't know if they officially split up before she went overseas, but from the exes we did talk about, he claims to be the one who called time on the relationships, but if he wasn't this time, maybe he's not over it? Yes, I know he's with me now, and we bought a house together, and he had a couple other gf's between this ex and me, but it makes me feel like, is he just settling for me because he can't have her? Would he run back to her if he could? Maybe I'm just overanalysing all this, but I was pretty freaked out to read the messages. I'd really like to hear people's opinions on this.thanks
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (26 September 2010):
 Well, when you think about it, he could have told you about it, but he's not exactly under any obligation to tell you... The past is in the past and talking about ex's, particularly painful experiences with ex's isn't exactly a topic that many people jump at the chance to bring up with their current partner. It can do just as much harm on a current relationship as it can good... (in my opinion anyways).
I think there should be a certain level of privacy between ex's personally... Just because you break up with someone doesn't mean that you should go around telling people your ex's deepest darkest secrets that you were entrusted with... and abortion is a secret worth keeping to yourself. Maybe (if that was the case) he just wanted someone to talk to about it? Who knows.
If he'd been messaging her constantly and keeping this online friendship a secret then yeh... he definitely should have told you about her, if only to reassure you that there's no funny business going on. But there's still the possibility that he hadn't talked to her in years, was feeling a bit sentimental and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when you saw his messages...
But yeh, I think if you want him to come clean about her, then first you're going to have to come clean about you being on his facebook account...
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