A
female
age
30-35,
*dwtampa
writes:i'm a 20 year old woman who still lives with her parents. i have a 25 year old boyfriend who lives in another state. i've been planning a trip to see my boyfriend and go with him to a convention since december of last year. i spent around 200 dollars for things to go there, i saved up money for my own ticket and still managed to pay off my car insurance a month in advance. i lost my job however a few weeks ago. i wanted to leave soon and come back a month later. my mother told me "no.you're coming back on this particular date". Much earlier than I wanted to return.i am EXTREMELY angry at this,that i'm being ordered to cut my trip short because they are afraid something might happen to me. my mother continues to insist i will wear out my welcome, as i'm staying with my boyfriend's family for the trip. my boyfriend has assured me this is not the case. my mother continues to worry that she will get a phone call,saying something has happened to me because i'm going to a slightly rough neighborhood and she thinks i'm still naive about the worldi tried to compromise with her, trying to get her to agree to me staying longer. she said that no,she had compromised by saying i could go in the first place. my parents continue to throw in my fact that i need another job,which i already know!! they say that the time i have "been given" is plenty of time to spent with my boyfriend. i either need some advice on how to get them to open their eyes or advice on how/why i should accept their fears and limitations.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I think your mother is pretty reasonable.She could have said , no matter what your age is , " My house my rules and until you live here , you don't even go ". She realizes though that this trip is important to you so she is allowing you 10-11 days - a reasonable compromise.
Maybe she thinks that when you are unemployed, that's not the best moment to up and take a vacation- I agree with her. First things first. You say that from June 6th on you'd have another month to look for a job,- but why not NOW ? When looking for a job, NOW is always the best time, and don't think that 15 applications is such a big feat- you may need to make a much much bigger effort.
She also thinks, very reasonably, that, no matter what your bf says , you don't impose on perfect strangers for weeks at your first visit ! That's simply rude, no matter what your bf says- men are always very superficial in this kind of things, they never see a problem in having guests ...when it's not them that have to sacrifice their comfort and privacy , or cook and clean for the guest.
Your mom may also be reasonably concerned about the rough neighborhood and tries to reduce, with the length of your stay, also the possibility of something bad happening to you. Overprotective maybe, but understandable.
Also,if I were your mom I would not like that he has to take care of you financially-why, he is just some ( probably very temporary ) bf, not your fiancee' or husband. You say that's because you had aready taken care of him , but IMO that's not good too. What about, everybody learns to take care of themselves , and do only what they can comfortably afford, before getting into a LDR with the travel expenses that involves? It sounds that neither you nor your boyfriend can really afford doing LDR, and are very much playing it by ear, and counting on luck . Maybe your mom would like to see you start shaping your future in a more responsible way.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 May I ask how it is that he became your boyfriend if he lives in another state? And how much time have you spent with him? Your mother's concerns might have some base in reality. She might have found his visit to you to be difficult and is imagining how his mother might be feeling about you coming to stay with them.
Honestly, this kind of travel and visiting can be very tricky if you are not in a strong and committed relationship and everyone is supportive of it. Could it be that your mother is concerned for your safety, and has created a timeline to bring you home earlier because she has some worries about this?
I'm not really clear what role paying the car insurance plays in this. Does this mean you can afford to drive? Or that they want you to get a job so you can pay your own keep? Maybe you could explain why the car insurance bill is such a factor in this?
And, not to be sticky about this, but $200 over a two week period will not go far. That's about $15/day. Are you relying on him and his family to pay your way, your meals and transportation?
Maybe explaining this a little better to us will help you formulate your own arguments for going to visit him. Talk it through and work out the negatives in the discussion, if you see my point!
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I think your job is not the case. Your parents are worrying about you. I am a mother and I know how she feels. Come on, rough neighborhood, another city, are enough for her to get worry.If it is your first visit and you have never been there the Idea of staying for 10 days is more than enough, listen to her and both be happy.
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A
female
reader, edwtampa +, writes (5 May 2011):
edwtampa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe thing is i was looking for another online.i put in,and this is NO exageration,atleast 15 applications both online and on paper. the convention i guess is in the middle-endish.i'm not so worried about the car insurance now, as i'm paid all through june.if i came back the 6th of june i'd have an entire month to find a new jobi tried negotiating,asking my mom to let me just stay until june 3rd but she adamently said NO,that i'd overstay my welcome and that i had responsibilites at home.and i don't want to be gone for a month. i wanted to stay for 17 days,two weeks!i wanted to leave may 20th and come back the 6th of june,but my mother said that i'm to be back by june 1st. also,my boyfriend had won 500 dollars and he sent me 200 of it. he also insists that since he's the one with the job now and since i took care of him when he was visiting me,he'll take care of me during the trip.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I can see both sides here, you do need another job, can you job seek online or will you be looking for work in an area that will require face to face applications? Can you split the difference time wise, if you want to be away for a month, and your parents want you back after 2 weeks, can you negotiate for three weeks.Is the convention at the beginning or the end of your trip, or in the middle, maybe you could delay your departure for a day or two and cut a few off the end.Have you sufficient money to feed yourself if necessary, have you factored into your budget doing something nice for your hosts? Have you considered how you are going to insure your car once the month in advance is no longer in advance? You may need to borrow some money from your parents, and so some negotiation on the time away from home might be a good idea.Look at it this way, you are still reliant on them for some of your basic needs, roof over your head and such like, and they are not asking you to cancel your trip altogether.They may be concerned at how far behind you could get with your bills, including your insurance, if you are away from home for too long, and not looking for further employment.They may not be able to help you financially, and this could be worrying them.In fact, the more I write here, the more I think you should perhaps consider their requests, and shorten your holiday.
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