A
female
age
51-59,
*orriedmother
writes:8 months ago one of my dear friends came to me upset. saying that her new husband and her 18 yr old son were not getting along. Her son (M) and her husband were always fighting so M moved out and was staying with friends. Since M moved in with his friends he wasn't attending school regularly and she was worried with little adult supervison he might get into trouble. Normally he is a good kid but I understood her concerns. I offered to let him stay with us thinking they just needed a few days away from each other to clear their heads. My husband didn't like the idea of him staying with us a great deal but in the end agreed. We have a daughter who is 17 and in her senior year at high school, she has known M her whole life, they werent great freinds but did hang out from time to time. When I offered to let him stay I never expected that 8 months later he would still be here. I few months ago I noticed that my daughter and M were hanging out a lot more but I figured that it had a lot to do with the fact that he was here and nothing else. Two weeks ago I went to wake her up from school (her bed room is in the basement) and I found them both asleep in her room. She said that they fell asleep in her room watching a movie the night before. We have a good relationship and she usually is quite open with me so I trusted her. When I was cleaning her room today I found an empty condom wrapper under her bed. A little upset I started snooping through her things to see what she was hiding and I found online messages between her and M that confirmed that they were having a sexual relationship but what was the most upsetting was the fact that in several of the messages they talk about the fact that they need to be more "careful" and "remember" to use condoms every time, and that she was worried that she may be pregnant. So not only is she having sex but it is unprotected occasionally, and she may be pregnant and we had no idea she was even with some one. I have no idea what to do. How do I bring this up to her and do I tell M's mother. We have talked to her several times about safe sex so she knows that she could have come to me for birth control. I feel betrayed by M and I know if things turn our for the worse and she is indeed pregnant my husband will blame me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Look whether he's a slimebag or not is irrelevant. Personally I wouldn't like the idea of raising another woman's kid who is perfectly capable of doing that herself. I also wouldn't like the idea of having the two of them in my house sneaking around behind my back having unprotected sex. Which they probably will keep doing no matter what you say to them, (hopefully they'll take more care in the future)
I'm not judging OP if you're okay with that fine. What does your husband think of all this OP? Is he happy that they're doing this? Is he happy knowing that your daughter may be pregnant by a guy he didn't even want living there in the first place? Do you think he'll be happy with idea that M and you daughter could be down in the basement at any time having sex, right under his nose?
Now if this is something you're not going to tell your husband then you too are sneaking behind his back. You know?
In my opinion and feel free to disagree, I think you've taken this charitable role and your pity for M just a little too far. They do something you're not happy with in your home and you're too afraid to talk to them in case you upset them? It's your house OP, you went into her room to collect laundry and you found a condom wrapper. You're not stupid and you have every right to ask her what is going on. If she's not forthright with you when you ask her and she blatantly lies to your face again, then what are you going to do? Nothing? OP this is far too serious for you not to tell your husband, he's your first priority here and he gets an equal say in what happens in this situation. If he finds out she's pregnant by M and if he finds out you knew about this and didn't tell him then you have a lot more to worry about than just appeasing M and raising him for your friend because he's a nice kid and she just wants to have him out of the way so she can play happy families with her new guy.
Talk to your husband and you both decide how best to approach this. They're teenagers and they're doing what teenagers do, there's nothing wrong with it and they may have been stupid but they're not doing anything wrong. You're not a teenager OP, you're an adult you have to take responsibility for this situation and you can't just sneak around your husbands back nor can you sit back and do nothing. It's all well and good that you want your daughter to be able to talk to you, but what use is that if you don't even know how to approach her about things like this?
She's your daughter OP not your friend, there's a time where you have to step in and regardless of her feelings on the matter you have to protect her. She obviously felt that she couldn't talk to you about this all along so that point is irrelevant anyway. Time to step up as her mother and protect her. Regardless of whether she'll pissed at you for snooping, she should have told you, it's your house and she shouldn't have been sneaking around behind your back. Now she may or may not be pregnant but the longer you leave this the more likely she is to make another stupid mistake. You have to ensure that doesn't happen and if you have to set some ground rules then so be it. She's your daughter, her long term happiness and future is far more important than whether she's pissed at you, or being her friend.
A
female
reader, ArtsyGirl  +, writes (5 May 2011):
Don't just blame M, it was the daughters choice to have sex, unprotected or not, too. She is just as much to blame if she gets pregnant. The only reason she wouldn't be to blame is if she was forced into having sex. So yes her future will be ruined, but it's not just M's fault, it is HERs to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): You are going to let him stay? after what he did? he could got your daughter pregnant and could have ruined not her life obviously but her career and her freedom. He had your trust and he broke it, they will keep having sex under your roof and you will be allowing it. You took in this boy and look what he done
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female
reader, worriedmother +, writes (5 May 2011):
worriedmother is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst off i understand I should not have snop through her thigns but what is done is done. Secondly, Cerberus, M is not a slime bag or trouble. I le thim stay with us because I seen a good kid get tossed aside because his mother had bad judgement. SO he did what most teenage boys would do, rebel. He skipped classes, yes but that doesnt make him satan. I dont believe he forced my daughter to have sex. Yes, I am shocked she didnt come to me and I cant imagine why considering I have always been open but I dont think he brain washed her into not telling me. I think they both are immature teenagers, who are letting their hormones get the best of them. If the situation was different and my daughter were to have come home one day and said M and I are going on a date, I would have been thrilled, because I know that he is a good kid that just needs to be given a chance. My worry is now because they were stupid they could have hurt their futures, their dreams. I dont want my daughter to think she cant talk to me about things or to be upset that I snooped, but I dont want her to be worrying that she is pregnant alone and afraid to talk to me.So now I am lookign for away to help what ever situation is in front of us, I need to make sure I will be clam and stay that way so we can talk and I need to find the words to bring up this conversation so she will open up. I didnt turn my back on M 8 months ago so I am sure as hell not going to do it now. Yes, he will know I am more then disappointed that he went behind my back and did what he did, but my daughter also went behind my back and I will not be turning my back on her.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Forget about your husbands reactions, that is the least of your problems. The main issue is your daughter is stupid enough to have sex without protection and this young man has betrayed you. They are the ones who are having sex, not you. If your daughter didn't have sex with him she would be having sex with somebody else and still forgetting the condom.Call the two teenagers for a meeting and tell them what you know. They will not be able to stop having sex now, and if you ask, they will lie and do it behind your back. If you kick him out they will still have sex outside your home.You need to make them very aware that sex without a condom is stupid, as she will get pregnant and that will be hard for them both to cope with.You can tell the boys mother and your husband if you want. They will probably find out in the end. Your husband can't blame you for your daughter having sex. The time and the boy was right and she was attracted to him.Don't worry, your husband is all talk, but these teens must be more careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): "Normally he's a good kid" Yet his own mother doesn't want him living with her, ruining her marriage and when living with friends he acts irresponsibly and doesn't go to school, yet you didn't foresee any issues letting him live in close proximity with your daughter?OP it doesn't matter if she's responsible, he's obviously not.I'd ask him to leave, him doing that under your roof is a serious breach of trust and he needs to go.I don't know why you feel betrayed by him OP, the kind of guy he is very obvious, he may be all smiles and "how do you do" in person OP, but look at his situation. First things first, you need to discuss this with your husband and then you and he work out what to do next. Your daughter is sneaking behind your back no doubt because he persuaded her to, most likely having unprotected sex for the same reason and even if that's not the case then he's a very bad influence on her including her lying blatantly to you. I mean this guys own mother doesn't want his poisonous influence on her new marriage so she dumped him on you instead. If she was so worried about him attending school then she wouldn't have kicked out her own son to appease her new marriage. Nothing is right about any of that OP, I don't know why you got involved in their mess in the first place.How do you bring it up to his mother? You tell her to get her priorities straight and do her job of taking care of her own son, that you're done with the little slime bag and you couldn't give a shit whether he goes to school one more day because he has possibly made your daughter pregnant and changed her entire life.
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A
female
reader, ArtsyGirl +, writes (5 May 2011):
This is something I as a teenager would want my parent to do if they found out I was having sex and could possibly be pregnant(neither of those are true for me though)One day pull your daughter aside and ask her if she is having sex. If she says no then tell her you trust her, think she is responsible, and will get her birth control if needed. Tell her if she wants to have sex that it is ok to talk to you. If she openly admits it to you talk to her about safe sex and tell her about the condom wrapper and a pregnancy test. Most importantly DO NOT accuse her, she will feel defensive and angry. If you want to make sure for a truthful answer right away bring up the condom wrapper and talk to her about safe sex. Tell her you are concerned she is not on BC and you would appreciate she take a test, and no matter what you will always love and support her, pregnant or not and in whatever choice she chooses if she is pregnant(keep the baby, adoption, abortion). Make sure you never get angry or say "I am angry" or any variation. Instead disappointed is better to use I think. Getting angry will not help, and if your daughter accuses you of acting this way wait for her to finish speaking and cool down, and ask what you can do to help her and make the situation easy for her.Once you have that scenario established talk to M. Let him know how you feel about them having sex. Tell him you are considering telling his mother(if you want to, though personally I wouldn't unless your daughter is pregnant), but not to get him in trouble. Remember they are teenagers, teenagers are hormonal, defensive, angsty creatures(all of us, even me)I do not know if you have talked to your husband about this, but do not bring him into your conversation with your daughter. That would be awkward to have a male figure in a female conversation(or it would be for me)BUT let him know how the talks with either of them went. If he wants to say something, ask him to tell you first, and make sure he understands anger is not good. You both need to go about this in a calm way, no matter how bad or stressful the situation may seem.I hope this helped!Cheers
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I wouldn't jump the gun just yet i would wait until i was sure.It would be ok if you tried to keep them apart so that the worst case scenario does not happen.Keep in mind its your house so you have the right to step in between them
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