A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do y'all think it's OK for a married woman to accept a purchased drink from a man at a bar? My wife often goes out with her girlfriends. Sometimes they sit around a table like a bunch of hens cackling for hours - men run for the hills. But other times, some of. The girls will go home, leaving my wife and a friend or two at the bar. This basically means a stream of men will com hit on them. Truth be told, I don't like this at all. When I go out with the guys we don't go chatting up single girls for fun. We play tennis, poker, watch a game. In othe words we go do something. It seems the women's activity for fun is getting hit on.While I don't like it, I suppose I have accepted it. My alternative is to forbid my wife from going to bars, which just sounds ludicrous to me.What I am having trouble with is when I find out that my wife has accepted a bought drink from another man. I think as a married woman this crosses the line, she should politely decline, and give the reason that she is married. The problem is how it happens can be a whole range of ways, which my wife says makes declining impractical. Perhaps the men buy a round for her and her friends w/o asking (they tell the waiter). Perhaps they ask my wife's friend, who accepts for both of them, etc.Basically, my wife says declining is uncomfortable Besides, she says, why should she always have to announce to the world that she is married, effectively saying, "don't talk to me.". It's like she has to announce she is someone else's property, and isolate herself from all communication. Besides, she says, isn't enough for you that I have never, and would never, cheat.I see the logic in her argument, but it still bugs me - a lot. Can't she just go play tennis like me? It seems like her fun is pretending to be singleWhat do you all think of this? Am I being overly controlling? Or, do I have a legit concern? How would you deal with this situartion?
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male
reader, SeattleWill  +, writes (15 October 2019):
Agree with you 100%. A married woman who accepts drinks from men at a bar is being extremely disrespectful to her husband. If she wants to live a single lifestyle, don’t get married.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Thanks for the update.. the no dancing with men, is stricter than I would like personally, and the guys I date don't show your type of jealousy.
But everyone is different. You and your wife have talked, and everything on your list sounds like a fair compromise. It's a plan you've worked out together, some are probably to strict for her, some a bit too loose for you... I can this a win/win situation.. I'm glad you two can work together and may all your problems continue to be small ones. Keep the communication lines open, compromises rather than fights, that's what makes the most successful marriages as far as I'm concerned.
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female
reader, Diamondintheruff +, writes (29 February 2012):
 I think its harmless. Its just a drink and as long as thats all there is to it who cares. Think of it as a good thing. She goes out with the girls and some stranger gives her this boost of confidance. She comes home and feels wonderfull and young and you guys,have some crazy sex. That sounds harmless to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I don't think there is a problem here. My wife sometimes goes out with her friends without me, and if some guy bought her a drink to start up a conversation, so what. It's happened a few times when we were moving a few states away. My wife started a job and had to drive almost 2 hours each way. I was working my job, and selling our home to buy another one in the state we were moving too. We also didn't want to move until the summer because our 1 son was graduating high school. After a few weeks of the grueling commutes, I told my wife to stay at a hotel 1 night per week to give her a break.After several weeks of eating takout food in her room,, I told her, why don't you just eat in the restaurant/bar at the hotel? My wife said she would be uncomfortable without me there. I told her, why, just sit at a table, get a drink or 2, and get dinner. Then go back to your room and call me. So, she did. Well, a few times guys offered to buy her drinks, and I told her, so take them, then talk to the guy, just make sure you let him know you're married, and that's the end of it. You can have conversation with another guy, as long as it's clear you're married and there is nothing else but talk going on.HOWEVER, if she's taking her wedding ring off, or otherwise pretending to be single, Then this behavior is completely WRONG. Are you sure you're getting the right answers from her? Or are you just imagining more to this than there really is?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is the OP. Thanks for all your thoughtful answers. I just wanted to reply that she alwAys wears her wedding ring. It may be where we live, but guys don't care. I would venture that some seem to prefer it, maybe as a guarantee of no strings attached. I did tell my wife I wasn't all too thrilled with this. I also asked her how would she like it if I bought random women drinks at the hotel bar when I go on business trips. She said she would not like that at all. The problem is, she says, when you obtusely blurt out at the beginning of every conversation that you are married, it tends to quickly end conversation. Thus, you effectively isolate yourself, sending men the strong message to, "back off!"We have compromised on this:No dancing (with men)No accepting a drink bought solely for you (direct attention from one guy)OK to accept drinks bought for group, or even by two guys for you and a girlfriendIf you find yourself talking one on one to a man for any length of time ( say more than 15 minutes or so) you should work into the conversation that you are marriedI guess this is the burden, although one I did not fully contemplate of marrying a beautiful woman. All women can be beautiful in their special ways. My wife is just one that has those superficial- type of good looks that are like a magnet for players. She is, though, beautiful in many many ways they will never know....
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 February 2012):
 A woman SHOULD accept a drink from a man IF she thinks that he is hot, and she would like to go back to his hotel/motel room with him and do s*x. After all, for a man to buy a drink for a lady... isn't it reasonable for him to expect her to put out?????
Good question....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2012):
 I would never accept a drink from a random stranger. I never did when I was single either.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 February 2012):
Accepting a drink from a man who only choose you, is a bit bad mannered. Your giving him hopes and taking the drink under false pretences (your pretending to be available and single) she should say no.A guy buying a drink for you and your friend, or buying the drinks for you and a group of girlfriends. If you say no, you look stuck up and precious, your drawing attention to yourself and making a big fuss about nothing. Best to drink the drink. It's a drink, it's not an invitation to jump into bed. If she can't take part in a round of drinks, then yes she should stay at home or follow you to play tennis and be bored out of her mind.If your worrying about you wife having a drink, not a kiss, not tumble in bed, then yes I do think you are a touch possessive. And your comments about wanting her to play tennis suggest you don't think she should actually be out with her friends at all, and you would prefer to pick all her entertainments for her.Luckily for her, your wife has enough sense to stand up for herself and continue to enjoy going out with her friends and doesn't see this as breaking her marriage vows or pretending to be single. Nowhere in any marriage vows does it say "I promise to stay at home and lose my girlfriends", and I will let my lord and master husband take control of my life.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (29 February 2012):
 people can buy you drinks. you dont have drink them...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Sorry to break it to you OP but we men are and always will be women's primary source of fun and enjoyment. They need us OP, they can't live without us.
My girlfriend is the same when she's out but I trust her to make the right decisions. I know she would never cheat and while I'm not a fan of other guys hitting on her and never will be, I do understand perfectly why she lets them and what she gets out of it.
OP the biggest and best feeling for a woman is the feeling of being desirable. Truly nothing gives a woman more confidence than that and how can she prove to herself that she is desirable? By being hit on. It's a compliment to them and they feed off it. It truly is a great feeling for them and believe it or not it us, as their partners, that benefit the most from that. I mean come on, you must have experienced the joy of your wife coming home from a girls night out a bit tipsy but very horny. Where do you think that immense urge to go wild comes from? The drink or the fact that guys have been trying it on and that has made her feel very wanted and very sexy. I mean I've woken up to find my girlfriend straddling me and making full use of me while drunk because she didn't want to wake me as she knows I have to be up early.
Here's a few things you need to understand, things once I figured out made it easier to deal with but as I said I'll never be 100% okay with the idea, I can't imagine any guy who truly loves a woman to not be territorial:
"When I go out with the guys we don't go chatting up single girls for fun."
Neither do I, but we have to actively go and do that don't we? We have to show an interest and work to get girls when we're out. It's different for women OP they just sit there looking pretty or go dancing and the guys come to them. The whole dynamic of how it works is very different. We're not going to get a woman buying drinks for our table or coming over to our group to chat one of us up. It's different for girls and while we do make an effort to be clean and dressed well, our primary focus isn't to look sexy and attract women, women pretty never go out dressed "adequately" they want to stand out, look beautiful, be admired and desired and they want to be hit on to know that their efforts have worked. You know this, and even though they love to tell us they dress for other women if no guy ever paid any attention to them then they wouldn't feel good about that.
"We play tennis, poker, watch a game." Of course but if one of the group notices a particularly hot woman, or one with a lot of flesh showing they'll point it out and we'll all have a look. Very often playing poker and stuff the conversation is filled with talking about women. Well for girls it's kind of the same, they love to talk and relationships is usually their favourite topic of conversation, girls go out for 4 reasons, to talk, to get drunk, to dance and to get hit on. We may go out for the same reasons except instead of getting hit on we like to ogle attractive women and instead of dancing we like to play cards or watch the match.
OP most women have been pursued and chatted up almost every time they've gone out since they were teenagers, they mostly love it besides dancing what else is there for a woman to do while she's out?
"Can't she just go play tennis like me? It seems like her fun is pretending to be single."
OP you must have a pretty good idea of what makes women tick, seeing as you are married and all. How much time, effort and money do they spend on trying to remain young and beautiful? How many products do they buy? How many low cut tops/figure hugging outfits do they buy? How many diets do they try? and how depressed do they get when they feel they're not beautiful? Do you really think tennis is going to make them feel that way? To most girls feeling that is the most important thing in the world. It's the one thing they can always count on to make them happy and give them a buzz. The easiest way to get that high is from being chatted up, not tennis.
Look you see the logic in her argument, I think you understand why. I can also tell you that you'll never be 100% okay with it, who could be? But you can learn to see that the positive effects of this on her and your relationship by far outweigh the negativity you feel about it. Trust me.
I love my girlfriend to bits, she's my everything and I can also feel a bit of pride in the fact that my girlfriend is desirable to other men. I know she'll never cheat on me so I feel bad for those guys because they don't stand a chance with her and they really don't know how good a girl she is too so it's kind of lousy on them that she's using them to get a buzz and some free drinks.
"Am I being overly controlling?"
No you're not. You're naturally protective of your wife and you're territorial and will naturally want to tackle any threats to that. It's normal and it's good. You do have a legitimate concern which is why I think you should establish some reasonable ground rules.
They way me and my girlfriend work it is like this. If she ever kisses another guy she's gone, to me that's cheating and she's out there door, him kissing her and her pushing him away is not an excuse I will ever accept she is to ensure that never happens.
Flirting, accepting drinks is okay to a point. She always maintains a certain physical distance from guys, not a rule or anything she just knows the signs and how close she can get before a guy can make a move and she doesn't let that happen.
Getting drinks from guys is fine when she's with her group of close friends that I know will look after her should that drink be spiked or something. Work nights out etc. she just won't do that. Nights like that she doesn't accept being hit on anyway because she doesn't want her colleagues to think she plays away.
There is always a point where she will tell guys she's spoken for, she does that most of time at the outset but sometimes she just wants to get the buzz and will enjoy herself before she tells them.
OP my girlfriend is always telling me how lucky her friends think she is to have a guy that doesn't give her shit for having a little harmless fun, a guy who gets a bit jealous and is healthily possessive but trusts her to make right decisions. It is the freedom she has to enjoy her life that makes me seem all the more appealing to her, she doesn't feel trapped, held back or controlled and that makes her want to ensure she will never ruin that. Of course that is balanced with a healthy territorial instinct and she has seen what happens to guys who are too pushy or forceful with her in that regards so to protect those guys and me from what happens in those circumstances she'd learned full well how to make them back off.
I say you give her some lee way but let her know how far is too far but first think long and hard of what that is. Getting drinks fine, being chatted up okay, but no touchy feely flirting, no bumping and grinding on the dance floor and one kiss, whether instigated by her or not and that's the end of you and her. I think that's fair.
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A
female
reader, Ms. Intuition  +, writes (29 February 2012):
let me ayou are not over controlling at all. I totally understand how u feel because thats how my boyfriend feels. He used to be uneasy everytime i go out with my girls and wen we talked about it, i used to give pretty much the same excuses your wife is giving.
But as time went by i saw how this behaviour was affecting him and i stopped. Its not hard really.
All i can say is keep trying to get through to her. I know there is a risk of sounding like a nag but you have to try. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 February 2012):
 I get how you feel, and I get your discomfort!
The real way to set a boundary is to ask her if she would be comfortable if you went out and bought drinks for other women at the bar. How would she feel if some of the girls you ran into were to have conversations with you that these guys have with her.
I don't think you're being controlling. It's reasonable that if a guy buys her a drink, she should say, with a smile, "that's really sweet of you...you do know I'm married, right?" Are these people not glancing at her wedding ring??
My way of working was to keep that ring on and when a guy came up to buy me a drink, I'd smile, scratch my forehead with my left hand (heh...ring finger display maneuver), and say "I think my husband would get cranky, but thank you anyways!".
Now, buying the round for the girls across the room is another thing, but the premise is the same. Have that wedding ring securely on the finger.
If she complains that the ring comes off at these things, then she doesn't have the right intent. Again, go back to the point you make about whether she would want you pulling off the ring to hang out with your friends to give off the illusion of availability.
That sort of attention seeking is disloyalty. Once you isolate it, justification is no longer possible. You have every right to insist that she wears her wedding ring there, and if she doesn't have one, get her one!
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Well that would not be comfortable to me at all, nor would her staying in a bar after most of her friends had departed. I can understand giving her some freedom to spend time with her friends, but there should be some limit to her behavior with other men. I think that a husband can demand that she leave when her friends leave the premises.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 February 2012):
Well that would not be comfortable to me at all, nor would her staying in a bar after most of her friends had departed. I can understand giving her some freedom to spend time with her friends, but there should be some limit to her behavior with other men. I think that a husband can demand that she leave when her friends leave the premises.
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