A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I just got off the phone with my Ex who is sleeping with someone else now. I told her I couldn't speak to her anymore and for a month she obliged me. Then started calling again so we're now "Speaking" I guess. Sometimes I look at her pictures and reminisce about all the times we've had sex. (She was my first everything!) It used to make my heart hurt and my stomach turn to think about other dudes having sex with her. However, Not talking to her for a month really helped me clear my head and detach from her emotionally. I don't even get sad the way I used to when she would talk about banging other dudes. I think that sometimes you just have to step back and put things into perspective. I'm still learning to...not want her to want me...if that makes any sense? In the back of my mind when we talk there's always this question "Why? Why didn't you love me as much as I loved you? Why couldn't we work?" Especially since she CALLS me all the time and we still have Chemistry. I've had some of the best times of my life with her so its hard to let her go completely and even when I think I'm strong enough to cut her off for good...I find myself relapsing and answering her calls or smiling at her pictures. Anyway...my question is "Is it possible to remain friends with your first love/Ex without your past influencing the relationship?" I never thought I'd get to a point where her having sex with someone else wouldn't complete shatter me, but here I am. Just spoke to her about this new guy and I'm okay about it. Does this mean it's possible for me to be friends with her? Has anyone else ever done this?
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (6 August 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice you two. It really helps a lot. I guess I'm kind of in a place of Apathy at this point. I went out to the movies today and she called telling me to watch something on tv or whatever and said "Awwww, I miss you" and I responded "okay..." then she let out a deep sigh/groan and I could literally hear the exasperation in her voice because I didn't respond the way she wanted. The rose colored glasses are official off. I sentimental to the fact that she was my first everything, but I'm also past the place where that has the ability to control or influence me.
So, now I guess she's just this funny albeit crass chick who calls me from time to time trying to illicit reactions that I don't care enough anymore to give.
Whoa, I never thought I'd become so apathetic towards her, but I guess time, friends, and agony aunts make everything better...
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Ah, the opposite of love is indifference. You sound perfectly sensible about this, to be honest. It doesn't really seem to me that you even need an agony aunt! Just do what is best for your own psyche at this point. Drama queens can be so draining... They suck up other people's energy to feed their need for excitement.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (6 August 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe broke up twice and the second time I broke up with her because I saw what sort of person she really was. I kind of pity this new dude she's with because he doesn't know she's just using him for sex, money, and whatever else he's willing to give her. She pretty much admitted this to me.
You're right about her calling me discussing her sex life it's pretty crass and insensitive. Talking to her used to upset me no her bullshit just goes in one ear and out the other.
With the exception of being really mean and nasty (which I refuse to do) I've pretty much done everything you can do to make it clear to someone you don't want to talk to them anymore. but like I said, when she calls I can be civil and polite without being sucked into her world of drama. My heart just doesn't care anymore, not the way it used to.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2008):
I think that it might be possible for some people to shift from a love/sexual relationship to just friends, but it takes someone with a strong ego and also supposes that perhaps the feelings weren't really that strong.
The fact that she was your first everything tells me that you do have very strong feelings for her still, you're just trying to convince yourself that you can manage this. Look, I would do what is best for you. I don't really care if she feels the need to keep contact with you. You should call this shot and really have long think about this. If you're still feeling tender about this and really have trouble seeing her with a new man, then DON'T! Give yourself permission to cut ties, for now, at least. Maybe in a year or so, you can revisit things, but for now, get yourself out there, get yourself dating.
And YOU set the pace and the tone. You don't have to call her back. Sometimes women want to feel good about the break up by convincing themselves that being friends is possible and that if you can manage that, then he really wasn't that hurt by the break up. Women get very sensitive to being perceived as mean or cold-hearted.
Sorry for the rambly answer, but what I'm trying to do is suggest that you need more time and more perspective still and also that you do not have to talk with her if you don't want to. I also agree with sappygirl that it is rather cruel and rude of her to discuss the new guy. She sounds really insensitive to me.
Good luck, take care.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (6 August 2008):
 The reason people don't keep in touch with their ex is because it prevents them from moving forward. you'll always be kinda stuck or still think of her. What if a new girl comes in your life...you might miss a great opportunity with her because you were still focus on your ex.
I don't even know why she is calling you and discussing her sex life with you. Personally i think that's rude and inconsiderate of your feelings. You did not say who broke up with who but it sounds like she did the leaving.
What you have to do is be firm and ask her politely to not contact you anymore. That you need to move on with your life. What you had was great, but it's in the past. It's time for you to move forward and not look back.
If you have to, block her number.
Right now it's hard because it's hard to imagine that person completely out of your life. But that's what happens when people break up and why they call it a broken heart. Don't worry though, that month away from her did you good, so you know in time..it will heal all wounds.
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