A
male
age
30-35,
*oeLeon
writes:Hello Everyone. I'm not in a good place right now, and could really do with some help and advice.Basically, I met my girlfriend about one year ago and we fell in love so fast, we were practically inseparable. All was perfect throughout the summer months, I mean we had our ups and downs, but nothing that ever used to seriously bother us. We used to talk about everything that bothered us and even used to reflect on our own relationship and how good we were together.When September came, it was time for me to go university, a time we had not been looking forward to at all. We knew the day would come, but weren't prepared to sacrifice our relationship because of it. During my time at university, suddenly I was in this new place feeling all alone and knowing I had her back home or her coming to see me at the weekend was my only comfort. I found it terribly difficult to get on with my life and couldn't stop thinking about her back home, always anxious to see her or speak to her on the phone.During this time we began to fall out more. She was coping so much better than me and I guess looking back it made me paranoid that maybe she didn't love me as much as I loved her. In the end, it all became too much and I decided to pack university in and move back home in time for Christmas. She always urged me not to give up my dreams and my own education for her, but I felt weak and I felt the only way to feel happy and strong again was by being with her back home.Everything was fine when I came back home, we felt happier than ever for a while. By the end of January though, the truths began to dawn upon me. I had left behind a course at a privileged institution, I was back living with my parents and I was unemployed. The fact that I was unemployed meant I spent most my days sat at home waiting for her to finish college so I could see her. Throughout February I became more and more miserable since I felt I had nothing in my life except her. In a way I felt stupid for being so weak and giving up my own life for this girl, but I guess I thought she would always stand by me like we had said - its amazing how you believe every sweet word you say to each other when you're in love.I wasn't always miserable, we still had good times, but I think I was making her more unhappy than I realized at the time. In a way, I guess I had become so used to her company that I sometimes took her for granted and assumed me being a little moody and off with her wouldn't do any harm. Don't get me wrong, I'm a loving person and we never went to sleep on an argument or without having told each other we love one another.By mid February, I'd managed to convince myself it maybe wasn't right and gathered the courage to tell her. I instantly realized I regretted what I'd done... she was the closest person to me, she'd been so perfect and I'd just been so down about my own life that I'd taken it out on her. I explained myself to her and we agreed to take it slower, stay in the relationship but spend more interesting times together than just laying on my bed watching tv so it felt exciting again.From this day on, I really tried, but naturally it soon slipped back into seeing each other all the time again. One evening in Early March, she came round to my house as usual but I could tell something was bothering her. I asked her what was wrong. 'I'm having doubts about us' she said. She was really upset I could tell, she told me she'd had them for a while since I was stupid enough to initially say it was over (about 2/3 weeks previous). I was devastated but she told me she wasn't giving up on us and they were probably nothing.Everything seemed fine in texts for the next two days until I saw her - the next morning I received a text 'I just want you to know you're still the most important person in the world to me. Have a good day. I love you.' During this couple of days though I felt terrible, almost as if I could sense she wasn't going to feel differently about us. She met up with me on the 5th March, just 48 hours on from when she'd told me about the doubts, and told me she'd had enough of me being down and questioning our relationship - it was over. We led on my bed and cried together for what felt like forever then she left my room for the last time.Since then she's seemed so strong and stubborn to her decision. I've never felt so low, I feel like I've lost her through my own stupidity , I miss every little thing about her. But then I met her four days later - a meeting which I'd arranged in the hope she'd made a mistake. Being with me obviously sparked something, she cried and kept cuddling me, telling me she missed me so much but really didn't know what she wanted.An agonizing week past again. I know I should give her space, but I cant resist texting her, letting her know I'm still thinking of her and here for her. She seems so distant and unloving in her replies, just one line answers usually, avoiding any sign of love or emotion. Then I met her last night, again. She cried again, told me how she wanted me to know she'd spent the best time of her life with me and still didn't know what she wanted. I genuinely believe shes confused, but everyday I wake up and pray we can make another go at it, and its killing me. I can't stop thinking about every nice word she says to me when we meet and dwelling upon them.I need advice, opinions, anything really. I feel so low. I feel like I need to keep loving her and being there for her, but she doesn't know what she wants. And I think her mind will always be stronger over her heart, she's a very headstrong person.Help? :(x
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male
reader, enjoimx  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Hey bro, me and you have a VERY similar personality. I went through the same thing as you about 2 years ago....EXACTLY. Im going through it again RIGHT now but to a much lesser extent because of the lessons i learned and the wisdom I gained. Read some of my first posts on this site and you will see a mirror image of yourself. I have definately moved on from that relationship 2 years ago, so have FAITH!!
Here are the most important lessons I learned in a nutshll, broken down. Follow my advice and you will save yourself alot of heartache.
1. Dont contact her ever again UNTIL you can contact her and you really dont care if she responds. Probably a year.
2. Avoid seeing her whenever possible.
3. Forget about your stuff she has, its just stuff, not an excuse to contact her.
4. Dont ever check her myspace, facebook, or anything else she writes online.
5. Dont drink too much.
6. Try to find a hobby that interests you...heres a couple that I found that changed my life and made me forget about her: music festivals, rock climbing, hoola hooping (added benefit of lots of cute girls to hang out with), playing an instrument (hand drum if you have no musical talent)
Contact me with any questions....i have some good answers.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Break ups are devastating, aren't they? I have a few things I want to put out there for you to think about, to get some perspective on this.
First of all, falling in love is such a wonderful giddy experience; you become one unit and even if there are rough patches, you feel as though you are parts of each other. If it's a first intense love, it's even more compelling, because you've never known anything like it before. I read that it's an erasure of boundaries between two people. You let the normal barriers dissolve and feel like you're one with the other person.
So the thing to keep in mind is that this kind of feeling isn't sustainable. At some point, the boundaries, or some of them at least, have to go back into place. You can't get through life as conjoined twins if you weren't born that way; it's not manageable for the long term. You are two individuals in a relationship, not one organism with eight limbs, two heads and two hearts that beat as one.
Now I think what has happened is that she has come out of the cottonwoolly feeling of bliss and one-ness into the cold reality of life: you are still individuals. So she seemed to be withdrawing when in fact the boundaries were merely popping back into place. You, being the one still in the 'we are one' phase, took that as rejection and made the classic and potentially fatal error of trying to close the gap. Probably because you aren't as secure in yourself as you could be, perhaps because you just didn't want that feeling to end. The problem was that she'd already "snapped out" of it and was going back to being an individual in a relationship.
I'm really sorry to hear that you left university and moved back him in an effort to keep the relationship going, because you have stunted your own growth as an individual. Not only that, but you were laying the responsibility of your happiness squarely on her; she was your all. I'm sorry to report, but being someone else's "all" is amazingly suffocating and honestly becomes tiresome. It's also unfair to do this to her; she's still growing up and developing into the woman she's going to become. She doesn't need the added responsibility of looking after your insecurities and fulfilling your fantasies of happily ever after. Those are YOUR issues and you should be working on them yourself.
So I don't know if she's going to want to enter back into a relationship with you; you might be too much work for her. I expect she does love you and does care about you, she just can't cope with that open gaping neediness in you.
Honestly, I think any more attempts on your part to close that gap are simply going to drive her further away, and underscore that panicky insecurity you are experiencing.
You have to work on YOU. This is the hard part; you need to let her go for now and get yourself squared away. Leaving uni was a huge step--are you quite sure it was her you were chasing or was there another part of you that wasn't ready for the independence of school?
I think you would be wise to consider working on this state: "I felt weak and I felt the only way to feel happy and strong again was by being with her back home." THAT'S your issue and you need to get to the bottom of it. Go see the counselor at the university or find one locally. Talk about why it is that you can't seem to cope with being an individual, on your own, responsible for your own feelings and actions.
I haven't done this in a while, but I think you'd benefit from reading a book that helped me a while ago: "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD. It talks about the stages from meeting through courtship to commitment. But the key for you, I think, is facing your insecurities. Do that, and you'll be in a much better state of mind to recognize healthy boundaries and unhealthy "oneness always".
So, yes, it isn't "you" to not contact her. But let me point out that that needy "you" was the thing that drove her off. Maintain the gap, perhaps even widen it, so that she has a chance to miss you and you have a chance to get some self-confidence and recognize that the responsibility for your future is YOUR problem or a better way to put it, YOUR opportunity, and not hers.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, JoeLeon +, writes (17 March 2009):
JoeLeon is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou for your opinions and advice so far everyone. It really is much appreciated. I know the right thing to do is stop contacting her altogether and move on with my life, but its so so hard. I feel like by doing that, I'm sending out the wrong message to her. I mean, I'm a very genuine person, everyone knows how I feel however I'm feeling. And by stopping the contact with her, I feel like I'm deliberately not being who I want to be. I don't know if that makes sense to you guys?
The laying off the calls and texts for a week sounds a good idea... I just pray she doesn't decide she's better off that way.
Sorry for the essay as well everyone! haha
x
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 March 2009):
 You need to give her some space to figure things out, it will be hard for her because whenever she sees you all her love and old feelings about your relationship will come flooding back to her. But when she is away from you, she will think that she did the right thing and that you just were not working anymore.
I think the best thing you can do is get your life sorted! At least you realise you made a mistake by quitting university, so now you need to rectify this mistake. If you dont want to go to uni again this September then get yourself a job. Even if it is not a serious full time job, just get something like a part time job in a bar or supermarket etc. You cannot sit around doing nothing with your life - having a job will help you get more friends and you will have money, hence some independence.
If your ex girlfriend sees you making an effort with your life, she might realise that you are willing to change and things will get better. I imagine part of the reason why it ended between you two is because she will have felt suffocated by you - as you have said she was your entire life. When you are young and in love you want it to be fun and exciting, not where one person is completely dependent on the other. This is why you need to go out there and get a life of your own now!
Still keep in touch with her, and maybe meet up every now and then. You can tell her all about the new things you are doing with your life, and she will see that you are getting your life back on track. Even if you cant find a paid job, do some volunteer work at a local charity shop or any other local charity organisation. This will give you great experience for your CV, and will show that you are still willing to get out there and meet new people and learn new skills.
I know it will be really hard but once you start making progress with your career and finances, you will start to feel better. And at the same time you will be giving your girlfriend the time she needs to think. It does sound possible that she could come back to you, but you need to show her you have changed, so getting a job and seeing your friends more is the perfect way to do this. Never let yourself become dependent on one person again, it is unhealthy.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Hey,
Trust me i understand where you are coming from i am actually in the middle of a break up that i kinda started and now i am very much regretting it.and my girlfriend too is very head strong and extremly stubborn..what i can tell you is that she does love you,but what you need to do is erase her number from your phone so that when you get the urge you cant call or text her..you have too give her her space otherwise you will leave her no choice but too just break it off with you all together,give her atleast a week without talking to her then shoot her an email with all of your feelings and make sure you state that you want to keep fighting for your relationship and that if she wants to keep fighting for you guys to just text you and tell you that you love me,and if she doesnt say anything then you have to leave her alone..i hope that helps..god bless
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (17 March 2009):
 wow! that was extremly long! lol but i enjoyed reading it it's really nice you guys were so close. and yeah i know where she is coming from but maybe you being so loving to her and wanting her back is why she is so confused, maybe if you give her some time alone or some space then she can gather her thoughts and feelings and think through them and decide what she wants once and for all. i know it'll be hard because you really want her back but maybe she's being so distant to you because she needs to be far away from you at the moment so she can deal with her emotions and feelings and finally realise what she does want in life.
she'll understand you still love her and want her back of course she will and she knows you obviously want to get back with her but maybe seeing her again and texting her all the time isn't the way to get her back you need to let her go and be free for sometime until she realises what it is she needs it's the only way that you will both know where you both stand.
she really does need to spend her time alone or with some friends to help her relax and put all her puzzle peices together and figure out her picture on her own.
I hope this helps.
:) your a very sweet guy and she knows that you would do anything for her but all she needs is time and space alone :)
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