A
male
age
36-40,
*ayoul
writes:Hello everyone.OK this is kinda lengthy so to give you all the detail you need in order to give me the best advice here.I have worked with this girl who I shall call Mrs A since the end of March and she left last Tuesday, so end of April. She had been in my workplace for 2 months altogether. When I first met her we didnt really speak much and worked on opposite shifts. Anyways to cut this short just before I went on holiday which was early March I worked with her and we got along very well.I returned from holiday in late March and we start to flirt and hit it off so to speak. When we worked together she would follow me around and we looked deeply into eachothers eyes allot. I felt something and started to really fall for her. We started messaging on Myspace and she was telling me more about herself and than oneday she mentioned about a counselling session, so I told her about my past experiences with councellers and the reasons for them i.e. I was sexually abused by my step father and my sister killed herself by throwing herself infront of a train which I witnessed. Anyways she wrote back and told me she had also been abused sexually and physically by her father and he had been jailed and than tried killing the mother and that her brother still sees him etc etc. I had suspicions she had been abused by certain traits and bahviour anyways.OK so we had that in common .. not nice but we had it in common. We got along better and during that week I got her alone and told her how I felt about her .. that I really liked her and she said she also liked me but didnt want to rush into anything as she had just split from her boyfreind but it wasnt serious but didnt want to fuck anything up. I cuddled her as she cried from memories of her father as I said at times she was cold.Anyways to cut this shorter if I can over the weeks we had banter and talked allot .. she said I was the ONLY person in her life to have understood and tried to help her but she cant help being cold and distant sometimes and doesnt know shes doing it .. that she tends to push people away.I had a few run ins at work with her over her flirting with another male member of staff who actually flirts with everyone and I know nothing went on but still I got jelous and pulled her up on it and she would get alittle angry storm off to the toilet to cry and than come back out and we talk and she be ok.One weekend at work she told me her mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer, that it had comeback and she really needed her ... she cried so I comforted her.Over the next weeks we stil had our fun days and the odd run in with her moods, just asking how she was etc but we patched things up. Onenight I gave her my sisters [Who commited suicide] necklace and said it was special and would bring her luck. She liked it and said she wore it but it was tight at times.We started to french kiss and get more intimate towards the end and I asked her was she happy how things were going and she said yes and that we both had a connection. I said to her that when she does leave [which she had planned] that would she keep in touch and how would I know this . she said she would keep in touch and I would have to trust her and that she wouldnt be a bitch and say she liked me if she didnt.OK the nextday and lastday ... she was distant and cold and to be honest I was hungover from the nightbefore .. she didnt speak much to me and I pulled her over it again and she stormed off and I tried to stop her but she told me to F**k off and she went to the toilet. I knocked on the door and asked her to open it .. she evnetually did when I said if you care you will open the door. I went inside and STUPIDLY locked the damn thing with her and me inside she was hysterical and demanding me to open the door in tears and shakeing .. I was trying to talk to her and keep her calm but she stromed past me and ran outside.That day she wouldnt speak to me or look at me and she left early. I txt her many times that day saying sorry and that if she didnt want anything to do with me ever again to simply ignore my texts and not reply back.I got a reply late that night with the following which has got me confused to some degree.''I just need my own space MY NAME! It wasnt nice being locked in that room, you know my past and that just brought back memories. I was scared and dont like being held against my will! Please back off, I need my own space and just want to be alone''That was sent April 22nd and she left April 29th.I havent heard from her since but have sent a few txts to her saying lets still be freinds and that I'm very sorry etc etc. I'm going to write a letter and give it to someone who will see her on Tuesday when she comes in to hand her uniform back .. in their I will simply state that I would like to remain in touch and sorry for all this shit I have caused.At the end of the day I feel I came on tooo strong for her and was too direct, I usually do this with the girls I like and it has worked in the past but with this girls past I think it has backfired. She thought shouldnt have allowed me and her to kiss like we did if she wanted to take things slowly.Mrs A's mother has cancer and I have been told she has an operation soon and also she is still getting over her father abusing her and has weekly counselling. I dont know what to do...... her txt could mean two things to me. One she needs space from me for now and doesnt want to be pestered and would like me to back off for awhile or two just stay away.Shes the only girl I have felt a connection with .. is sexy and very pleasant ... do you think I have fucked things up?Anything else I can do? Bare in mind she and I were not Girlfreind and boyfreind ... we were getting to know eachother and were not in a relashinship ... she also isnt the norm .. I dont mean this in a nasty way but bare in the mind the sexual abuse and her mother has cancer when you respond to this.Thanks so much , sorry for the long message but its the details that count.
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male
reader, jayoul +, writes (12 May 2008):
jayoul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response's .. very helpful indeed!!I agree with you both that in reality me and her were not meant to be. Thinking about our pasts .. yes maybe that was what drew us closer. Its strange beacause their was a genuine attraction before we told eachother about our pasts but than again we should have kept it as freinds and not gone further. I do blame myself but I'm a strong person albeit when it comes to a woman I really like my heart can be wounded easily .. its one area I tend to expose myself at more than others. This comment makes perfect sense ...''....your feelings are more about a wider fear of rejection and abandonment, of not being loved; perhaps your similar childhood experiences has opened you and she has brought up a lot of childhood feelings''You see I haven't been like this over a female before and maybe thats because as you have said wounds have been opened and memories of the past have been brought back. I'm usually very cool with woman and have been nicknamed 'Suave' Cool and Sophisticated but with this girl I found myself as you mentioned insecure at times and needing to be wanted. I do love affection and I'm very affectionate and loveing person anyway and I think that as she didnt like being .. touched much and she admitted she found it hard to show affection and even though I understood her on this .. deep inside in the brain one cant help but get funny over things and thats what went down at times I think.At the end of the day I'm a good looking guy. I work as a health care assistant for disabled adults, she and I met at work. I'm starting Pychiatric Nurse training in september and I'm going to get my life sorted. I've overcome many obstacles in my life and suffer from a mental disability myself albeit only very mild. It has upset me with this girl as ALL I WANT is to hear from her telling me she is fine but I dont think this will ever happen now as I have exposed memories too deep and wicked for her to ever come to me now and thats my fault and I will live with it and learn from my mistakes in the future.She was special ... we had a connection but as you have said with our similer pasts it would never have worked out as I like to love and be loved and she likes her own space. Best bet would have been to be close freinds which we could have been.I'm just going to stay away from her now. No more txts or letters etc etc and move on. I will see her no dougt in the day centre now and again on a Tuesday as she will visit to see a freind who works their but I shall not social with her and remain at distance from her.Thanks for all your advice .. if you have anything else to add or anyone who hasnt said anything please do feel free to keep adding.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I think you need to step back, too. I don't think you messed things up but I do think that with both your pasts, and your characters, that you just aren't good for each other. I think you will have a very explosive relationship, things will always go from great to bad, but there won't be any consistency and it will be very damaging to both of your development.
You do come across as a very caring and giving person, but you also seem a bit emotionally insecure yourself. This other girl is fragile. She needs the love and caring, but I do not think she will ever be able to handle being responsible for your own emotional needs and I think that is why you started to become so insecure so early on.
I don't think any of this is about blame. You simply weren't right for each other as a couple in an exclusive relationship. Maybe things would have been better kept as friends.
Regarding the text, and now the letter, I think you need to step way back and not attempt to make any contact. She may think you are too intense, and any attempt by you to convince her that you're not, will make her feel you are more intense. Leave things be, see if she wants to contact you.
But I have to say, for both your sakes, you are probably best to leave this relationship and girl well alone. She needs a certain kind of different person in her life, and so do you. You have a lot to give, but you need to give it to someone that is emotionally strong enough to handle your own needs. You come across as being quite self-reflective so I think if you are honest with yourself, you might agree with me that you aren't right for each other, and your feelings are more about a wider fear of rejection and abandonment, of not being loved; perhaps your similar childhood experiences has opened you and she has brought up a lot of childhood feelings.
Take yourself back to previous times when you have been hung up over a girl, or in a situation of pain that you never thought you would get through. You did - and likewise you will get through this one too. Be strong, stay away from her, focus on things that will take your mind off her and you will get over all this and be a better man for it, you'll come through it and be glad things ended for you both sooner rather than later.
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A
male
reader, jayoul +, writes (10 May 2008):
jayoul is verified as being by the original poster of the question
A quick update is that I passed a letter to a freind who works in the day centre at my workplace who this girl likes and especially her daughter whos around her age and also works in their on a Tuesday.
So on Tuesday this lady who is mature and has good morals said she would pass the letter on as I think I've already mentioned the girl visited to return her uniform on this day, hence why she visited the day centre.
The lady told me later that day that she passed the letter on to her and that it was from me. She said the girl opened and read it in the room and than placed it in her bag.
I've been informed that she will visit most Tuesdays.
Havent heard anything from the girl in nearly 3 weeks.
The letter outlined my sincere apologies, that I would like it for her and I to remain freinds and for the slate to be wiped clean. That I was always here if she needed me and that if she didnt want to talk to me than goodbye and all the best for the future.
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A
male
reader, jayoul +, writes (6 May 2008):
jayoul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify...The "she also isn't the norm...I don't mean this in a nasty way but bare in mind the sexual abuse and her mother has cancer when you respond to this" what I MEANT is this lady had had ALLOT of problems in her life, isnt her fault and anyone responding to this should bare in mind she has been abused and at this time her mum has cancer so its not the typical boy/girl question ... its more complex as I'm sure you will agree .. thats what I meant, not that shes the problem ... not at all, shes a really nice girl.
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