A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like to get some perspective/other people's views on the following situation:My girlfriend has an ex who she is still friends with. They broke up four years ago and didn't see each other for a while, but for the last two years she had sex on and off with this ex because she wasn't finding anybody she liked and she felt like she needed the action. She also spoke to this person at least once every week, says he is "somebody she can rely on," and generally seems to be very close with him. The sex ended when he left the country for a few months (he will be returning soon) and after that she met me and we have been dating ever since.Now, I respect the fact that she's known this guy for much longer than she's known me and that they have a bond, so I think it would be totally unreasonable to ask her to cut it off. I also trust her, and I'm pretty sure she would never sleep with this guy while we're going out.However, she wants to keep hanging out with this guy when he returns, and she wants me to meet him at some point (which I really don't want to do). I'm uncomfortable about the thought of this, but I recognize that I should let her have her space (especially if I trust her).My questions are the following: 1.) What are other people's opinions on this situation?2.) What should I do to get over my discomfort or otherwise address it?3.) Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable here regardless of the fact that I trust her and respect her independence?
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I'll answer this to the best of my ability. Here it goes!
1) If I was in your situation, I would feel totally uncomfortable with it as well. This particular instance isn't like her and her ex completely split and then talked on the phone occasionally, only for you two to meet up and start a relationship. Things never really did end. They were still hooking up and the only thing that really stopped these relations was the fact that he moved away. And this wasn't just someone who she can talk to, but it was a legit sex hookup. I think it's a little odd that she would still want to hang out after meeting you, but at least she has been honest about their past. That's a good thing. And you really do feel like you can trust her. That's another good fact.
2) Talk to her. That's the only way that you will get rid of any discomfort you might have (if possible). You have every right to let her know how you feel. And she has ever right to tell you how she feels about your feelings. Communication is key to any relationship. This is what you two need to find out a compromise.
3) You have every right to any feelings you might have. You are an individual and ever to every action, there is a reaction. You may trust her, but you know what? This has nothing really to do with trust. You just feel uncomfortable. You don't like the idea of some guy who has been all over your girlfriend meeting with her for lunch. Or hanging out to go see a movie. Which is perfectly understandable! It's not because you think they are going to have sex when he comes back, but it's because the situation is just not ideal. And heck, it's even down right uncomfortable.
What would I do? I would sit her down and explain your reasoning. Tell her that you don't exactly feel comfortable, and you think it's reasonable that you have no urge to meet an ex of hers. If you really feel uncomfortable, ask her if it's possible that she doesn't actually see him. All you can do is ask. If she feels the request is too much, then that's something that you will have to decide if you can really tolerate enough to stay with her. However if she really does care about you, I think she will definitely understand and keep these 'hanging out' sessions to nothing but occasional emails of catching up on each other's lives. All the best of luck!
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