A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife hadn't heard from her ex-boyfriend in almost 20 years and suddenly through the magic of Facebook he is in her life again. I have to say that I hate Facebook. The endless parade of creeps admitting to having secret crushes on my wife gets old. (I admit that I work in computer forensics for a living and I now check my wife's accounts without her knowing. I never did this in the past until I was recently made suspicious because of calls on the phone bill.) However, one of these creeps wasn't just a smarmy guy trying to rekindle a nonexistent romance. He was the last serious boyfriend she had before she met me. She had a fling with another guy after him and before me, but this is the last guy she really became emotionally involved with. I don't know all the details of their relationship, but I know she broke it off with him.He is now married with two kids and the Facebook messages turned into e-mails turned into phone calls (which my wife has yet to actually answer, but she admitted to him that she loved hearing his voice). He even wanted to meet up with her to catch up, which didn't happen. (I know from the e-mail.) This has been going on since February of 2010! I just found out about the e-mail in January (I saw a random e-mail from him when glancing at her laptop) and the phone calls this week. The phone calls all happened in 2010, but they still e-mail about once per month.Therefore, last night I decided to confront her. I told her I knew about the contact with her ex-bf. Her response was "Which boyfriend?" I told her his name and she said: "Oh. Well, he's a sweet guy and he wanted to catch up." I told her that I knew that he had called her. She said "Yeah, well, he was in the area and wanted to meet up. No big deal." I told her I thought it was a big deal and asked her if he was married why would he want to contact her. She said "I guess because he's crazy." I told her "End it." She didn't say anything. I told her it was disrespectful to me and to his wife. I told her "Don't mess up his marriage over this. If I know, she might also know. She could be a crazy jealous woman. This is inappropriate." She was silent. I asked her if she thought I was being unreasonable. She said "Somewhat, yes. Nothing's going to happen." I told her "Something has already happened. I trust you less now. Nothing good can come of this. I want you to end it." She was silent. I told her if she remembered how jealous she got when my ex- called the house. (She called me at work and accused me of an affair which never happened. She was hysterical and I left early that day. It is in my mind forever how hurt she would be in that situation.) She said she couldn't remember that. Huh? I reminded her about how it happened and how my ex- had called looking for me because she was in town for a convention and wanted to catch up. She said "Well, I wouldn't have a problem with it now." Boy was that a surprise and a blow, too. I lost a dear friend in that transaction, but I think it was appropriate of my wife to ask me to ditch her. She always had eyes for me. I told my wife "That was inappropriate, you asked that I don't talk to her anymore, and I never have since. That was the right thing to do." There was silence on her part. That's how the conversation ended.I know from the e-mails (which my wife doesn't know I read) that things weren't as innocent as she says. There wasn't anything sexual or overly romantic, but a lot of revisiting old times and how "intense" they were and my wife asking his forgiveness for treating him so poorly, which he said he thought he would never hear. In them she said she was lonely and that she longed for a family like he has (we have no children by HER choice). I could tell she liked the attention and she never once mentioned me or our life together. She talked about her career, her parents, and their relationship - even asking about his dad. She started signing her e-mails "Love, xoxo". My question now is what do I do? She clearly didn't come clean to me. On the other hand, she has never done anything egregious. I feel like telling her "Tell him to stop contacting you and let me know when you've done that." Her strategy might be to just ignore him. The truth will come out when he finally tries to contact her again in a month or two, for I will be able to see how (or if) she responds. Right now he was the last one to write her (in March after exchanging Valentine's greetings) and she had yet to write back even before I found out about this. I don't want to tell her that I've read all of her e-mail to him, but I also want to let her know that I know that she's understating what transpired. I also want to make sure she won't contact him again. She didn't say to me that she wouldn't. I just made a demand and was met with silence. Do I push her to make a promise to me? Do I force her to contact him to end it and risk getting him involved? Do I just silently watch unknown to her? For how long? I don't want to be a snoop the rest of my life. What would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): I don't think you are controlling her. You are just trying to control the situation, and that is a big difference. I went through this with someone and they can promise you the moon and the stars but they really have to CHOOSE to stop that sneaky, deceitful behavior and start respecting you and your relationship. You cannot force her. You CAN control how much BS you allow yourself to be put through. DON"T be a victim. Dump her if she won't get it together.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 First of all, you have to stop pressuring her into making these promises. You cannot demand this sort of thing from her or else you risk pushing her away and I doubt that is what you want. I can tell from what you've written and how you wrote it, that you are becoming slightly possessive, you tried to command her. She is not a computer, she is your wife so I suggest you start treating her with a little more finesse. Gentle and respectful. Win her heart back like you did before, make her smile so she'll forget about her ex. Make her remember why she married you.
She seemed quite confident before that nothing would happen but I think your demands might have pushed her further away from you, that's when she started signing off with "love xoxo". Now you're crossing into dangerous territory. If you've stopped taking her out on dates, take her out again. Whatever you used to do in the beginning of your marriage, do it all again and keep that spark alive. Then you won't need to worry about what he writes to her, she'll be too busy being in love with you again.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): On one hand there doesn't seem to be any overt cheating but neither has she totally come clean, especially pretending not to have a clue about what you were talking about when you confronted her and her silence would be a red flag to me.On one hand you don't want to push her away, on the other if you're not open about what are real concerns in your part, which has already had an eroding effect on your trust, then she might not take you as seriously as you'd want to.Tread carefully, be strong, all you can do is show her how much you love her and hope she alone does the right thing in the end.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): Im in a similar situation. my ex boyfriend dumped me yesterday for a girl he met online who lives in America, and yet we both live in England. i am absolutely heartbroken, but to me, i think it's insane that he has done that. ok, we had a problems, but she lives on another continent, and he will probably never meet her in person. they had chatted on webcam and through microphones too. if he hadnt had the internet, this would never have happened. i feel like i am dying at the moment, and i dont know how i will go on. he also used to flirt with people on facebook. He lied at first and said they were just friends too. i know in a way, i am better without him, but i still miss him.If i were you, i would ask her to cut all contact with this guy, as it isnt fair to you, and if she wont,i think you should leave her personally. i know it isnt easy to break up with someone you love though.
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