A
male
age
41-50,
*onfused24
writes:i've been with this girl for two years in may and when things are going good its the best feeling, but its not like that all the time. i'm 24 and she'll be 21 in july. i love her to death, we are very different, i'm from maui and shes from kansas. i gave up my lifestyle, friends, so many things for her and i do not mind that at all i would do anything for her. I am totally comitted to her and want to marry her but I have been having these feeling i cant ignore and i feel like shes not the one for me, shes selfish in every way possible, shes very immature, we dont have much in common, we rarely have sex, she does not trust me, and has no reason not to i am a very faithful and trustworthy person. There are more traits i dont agree with in her, but i still would do anything for her. These things have been bugging the !@#$ out of me recently, and i have these thoughts of leaving her, and i cant see myself doing it. She'll be my friend for life, i know she would move home and probably never see her again, we started our relationship at full speed and it never stopped, i could count the days on my hand all nights we havent slept together while we are both on Maui, and the days she hasnt been on maui are a few weeks within the two years, no one knows me like her. I really want this to work. Mahalo
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female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Trust and communication. If you have nothing in common, you can't communicate, and she doesn't trust you. Will things work out? That's what you need to ask yourself. Will it really work out? I understand that you love her, and she loves you, but you have to think about this sensibly too. If you believe that it will work then go for it. If, however, you have doubts then I wouldn't get married. You shouldn't have doubts when it comes to marriage. And if you're thinking about asking for advice, it sounds like you're having doubts.
Wish you the best
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): It is amazing, as red1982 put it, how people, if you let them, will walk all over you, it is true. Behind this behavior is probably someone who has felt betrayed, or has triggered and episode from the past where they were hurt, and the reply makes the recipient feel like they are having knives stuck in them.
Your anger towards her is most likely from the pain you are feeling because of what she has done to you, whether emotionaly or physcially (including sex, which has its own meaning to men not reckognized or understood by women).
Presently, the actions, the feelings and the interation between you would require "devine intervention" to stop it. Something simple could reverse it, but to us humans when we feel so low, we look at things in the worse way and cloud our judgment in taking the right actions to fix or reverse it.
Care needs to be taken when receiving advice. Care needs to be taken in not relationg your mate to others in front of them, for these actions only make things worse and will cause the collapse of the relationship.
There is no simple solution to the problem, it is very complex, and not knowing the two of you personally, not being present in between you two, makes it dificult if not impossible to help direct you two out of it. To you, her and everyone else, it looks like the "twilight zone".
The best thing you can do to reverse it, is to talk with her, acknowledge that youeither said something, did something that has made her feel standoffish to you, and ask that you talk about it, as roguh as it may be. That we each take the time to write out if that wuld make it easier and then pass it on to the other and let each other absorb the letter and its impact and the time required to respond in a loving and compassionate way. Not saying this is a guaranteed solution, but something needs to be done, otherwise, with your hurt feelings turning to anger, she will respond in kind and the situation will only get out of controol, worse then it currently is.
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A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (1 April 2008):
You say that you love her to death and then go on to list all of the bad qualities she has. I would suggest that you think with your head and ignore your heart for a little bit (because everyone knows that your heart is deaf dumb and blind when it comes to the bad points of the person you love). Think about why you love her and how she shows you that she loves you. Don't listen to her words but look at her actions towards you, does she ever put you first, or show you that she is thinking of you?Unfortunately if it seems that you love her more that she loves you - it's probably the truth. And if she can sense that you will do anything for her and accept anything she throws at you she will walk all over you, knowing that she will still have you. You say that you have given up everything for her - thats not a good thing in a relationship, it means that you are changing yourself to fit in with what she wants from a boyfriend. It is important that she loves you for who you really are, not what you think you can change yourself into especially if you want to be happy in your relationship. I think you spend too much time thinking about how to make her happy and no time thinking about what makes you happy. Just because you love someone does not mean that they are a good partner for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I think you're probably madly in love with the woman you'd like her to be but not the woman she actually is. At her age she's bound to be a little less immature than yourself and it's a well known fact that girls her age can be an absolute enigma to most men.
If some of the things she does irritate the shit out of you, you have to tell her otherwise she'll be ignorant of the fact. Then if she continues to be irritating it should become plain that she looks upon your relationship in a whole different light to you, and it probably won't be going anywhere in the long run.
Try to look upon the relationship from a distance, as an outsider would, because I reckon you can't see the woods for the trees at the moment. As an outsider I see two quite different people whose lifestyles and cultures are completely different, one of whom is infatuated with the other and with little sign of those feelings being reciprocated.
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