A
male
age
41-50,
*ARRIST
writes:Well... I have been dating a girl for nearly a year. We got together while she was on summer break from college. I tried every way to do the right thing with this girl because i fell for her very soon. We are both going to school. She is at a university an hour away and i go to school online. She has friends to help her through the hard times with her school and she lives with them and sees them every day. I live alone and work on my school by myself. I don't have the financial support that she does so getting through this has been hard. She has parties and celebrates things like passing her finals and it's so hard for me to celbrate with her because i don't have anything to celebrate myself, but i still go and do the best i can for her sake. Every time i talk to her bout how hard things are for me she says she doesn't understand and tells me i'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've went through so many things even the sickness and death of my grandma and helping my mother with a chronic illness she has. All the while i've had no support from her. She would've rather been out partying with her friends than coming to the hospital with me to support me when i needed her. From my perspective she has things so much easier and better than i do.... yet i'm trying to support her and not getting any in return. No problem i ever have is as big as what she wants to do. Any way i can get through to her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Hey there:
I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. Losing your Grandma must have been heartbreaking. You sound like a wonderful guy and you deserve to be appreciated by your girlfriend.
It seems from the way you describe things between you that she is not able to understand where you are right now in the way that you need.
You are both in very different places in your lives, and I don't mean just geographically. Your experiences have made you mature faster than most, and as well these difficulties have deepened your sense of compassion.
She is young and carefree. I doubt that this girl has yet experienced anything that she can use to help her understand where you are coming from.
Perhaps she does not like it when you compare her fortunate circumstances with the less fortunate circumstances of your life.
Without meaning to, you may be making her feel guilty about her life and her ability to enjoy it right now.
Rather than admit that she feels that way perhaps she simply accuses you of exaggerating your difficulties.
She may even feel like you are manipulating her and trying to make her feel sorry for you. The truth is that some people just are not capable of feeling for others when it does not directly impact them.
Some people are overwhelmed by their feelings and just have a hard time expressing their care and concern. You know her so you will have to figure what kind of person she is.
Sometimes when there is a disparity of circumstance, whether it be education, past experiences, family backgrounds, religion, politics, etc, people genuinely have a hard time relating.
Your girlfriend sounds like she is very light-hearted about her life right now, which is great, and that's probably a big part of your attraction to her.
She probably thinks you are being too serious about life and does not fully understand that you have good reason to be feeling the way that you are. Financial stress does not help the situation.
Just think, at least when the economy improves and you graduate and get a great job, that your sacrifices now will be rewarded in that regard.
Good for you for continuing your education and for being the kind of young man your late Grandma and your Mom can be proud of. You are one of the good guys!:)
Don't be so quick to do everything your girlfriend wants or expects without receiving some appreciation from her for your efforts to please and understand her.
Try to talk with her honestly about wanting her to be more sensitive to your current situation, knowing that it will not always be the way it is now. You can do this without blaming her for having happiness in her life.
Let her know that you would very much appreciate her emotional support so that you too can share in the happiness of a good relationship - together.
You are not expecting too much for wanting and needing her support. You deserve it. If after giving her an opportunity to reciprocate, she does not come through for you in the future, then I think you have to consider yourself and keep your options open.
Your future, no matter what the circumstances you find yourself in, should include a partner who can share with you equally in good times and bad.
There are many young woman who would empathize with you and who would feel fortunate to have a guy like you in their life. It may be this girl. Give her a chance to prove it with her actions and not only her words.
Stay positive - it will all work out for the best. You have a lot going for you!:)
Wishing you the best!:)
Your friend in Canada.
A
female
reader, mrkhmcookie +, writes (8 April 2009):
well, have you tried telling HER all of this. that's your first step...as a girl who is pretty much emotion less, i can tell you that sometimes people just dont care. I'm sorry for all your troubles, but if you communicate all of this to her and she doesn't mend her ways then that pretty much should signal to you that it's just not there for her, if she's not willing to drop the parties to be with you in a moment of need than she is not worth all the trouble it sounds like you've been putting in.
on the other hand i know what it's like to care for someone and if my earlier answer doesn't suit you than try doing this to her for a while. next time she's going through a small rough patch (nothing too extreme) tell her that you need to get some work done for school and let her cool down on her own, and every once in a while when she comes to you tell her your going through the same problem except you have added worries, change the topic from her to you to make her understand that you're there too and she's not alone, this should help her feel like she's not alone, while letting her know you're there as well. Keep reminding her that you care for her and you'll be there for her, but tell her that you dont think she cares at much, if she truly cares for her the way it sounds you do, than she'll check herself and get real.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz!  +, writes (7 April 2009):
Well youve tried talking you need to actually show her. She needs to see for herself you cannot shape her into the person she should already be. A relationship needs to work both ways or it holds little future.
I dont think you can get through to this girl by talking or explaining things, shes unwilling to give you the time of day or hang around to liten and you need that balance. Many people become so self involved they forgot whats important and eventually they loose part of the person they once were, a sad yet common fact of life.
It will be hard for you but carry on being the strong independant person you have been for so long.
You need support but after nearly a year your still not getting it, maybe thats telling you something?
Dont change who you are, you have your priorities right and you will be better for it in the future but for now it will seem everyone else is leading a different life.
Some people dont want to change and refuse to adjust for others. this shows lack of commitment and a selfish nature, this isnt you and i feel that you and your girlfriend will only drift further apart. Id stick to what your doing, yet leave a bit more time for yourself and time out to find somebody who really understands and respects you. Best of luck for the future.
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