A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey there,Met this girl at work and we started seeing each other socially. I made clear to her after our second official date that I wasn't interested in being her friend and that instead, I was interested in her romantically. We kept seeing each other for lunches/coffees at work and also had a couple of other, social, couple-like outings. I never tried to sleep with her even though she'd been over to my house a couple of times and I'd been to hers a couple of times as well. A number of times when we were hugging, kissing and clinching, etc - I could sense that she was holding something back. We talked and she told me that she felt I was really into her and making a big effort and she wasn't sure she wanted to make the same kind of effort. Had a tear in her eye and crackling voice when she was saying that she wasn't sure she wanted to be in a relationship again at this point in her life. This scenario was repeated twice more at her place but with more intensity and she finally said she couldn't keep going the way were were and she tried to be harsh to get her point across. I basically asked her to tell me that she just didn't feel enough for or about me to change her minds about not being ready - but she maintains that it isn't me and that it's just where she's at in her life now.She's been broken up for close to a year now but I reckon she's pretty damaged from the last one - they were going for close to two years and she thought they'd get married but he didn't want to so she had to call it off. I feel like in spite of what she says verbally ("how do you know I like you?" whenever I say that she does), her actions say that she does like me but she has this plan in her head that she's trying desperately to cling to - to avoid getting hurt again and that's what's stopping her from giving us a chance? She has opined in the past that the timing isn't right and that if I came along next year, things would be different. On one previous occasion, I asked her if I was wrong in thinking that she liked me and she shook her head 'no' I wasn't and when I asked her if we'd be going out if she wasn't in this emotional space, she nodded 'yes'.Now it's all sort of come to screeching halt because she says she just can't keep going the way we've been - says it's weird. I don't quite know what to do - I'm very choosy and saw her as someone I could possibly end up with and I do care for her deeply. I feel that she cares for me too but something is stopping her from giving in to the those feelings for me. I've always been someone who sees something/someone he wants and will go for it and am willing to work hard to make it happen. I don't want to die wondering and would rather deal with the most depressing failures than have to ask myself 'what if?' I'm not sure where to go from here - take it back to just having coffees/lunches or just break off contact completely. I know I said I didn't want to be her friend but that's more because I didn't want to get into 'friend territory' and then she could do the woman thing and say lets just be friends. I'm guessing most people will say shut it down and move on but of course that's a lot easier said than done - I haven't liked anyone the way I like her in a long, long time. So far, I've stopped the texts and phone calls and have only had a couple of email exchanges with her. Not sure whether I should ask her for coffee/lunch and talk about what happened or just keep it light? Also not sure if I should continue to have that odd coffee with her - I suppose with a view of letting her know that she has a way back in if she ever gets to a space where she's ready. Whereas, if I shut down and move on completely, even if she was ready at some point in the next six months, she'd probably be too guilty/ashamed to try and make contact right? Plus, I don't want to completely shut her out and make her think that I'm sulking because of her honesty to me.Over to you.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey again,
So I erred on the side of caution and basically didn't ask her to lunch pre X-mas as I was planning too. The funny thing is after the night when she said she couldn't keep going on the way we were (behaving like we were in a relationship - cos she just wasn't ready), I emailed her a couple of days later - just to establish in a light hearted and funny way that I was cool with everything, etc. I'd basically forwarded an email from one of my friends to her which had links to exercise equipment that I had asked her to have a look at before we had the talk on the night. She responded in a similarly light hearted tone and said she'd look at the links. I responded to that email by telling her that I'd also found out the details for the portable dvd player she wanted to buy her mom for xmas - giving her prices and where she could get them from, etc and also told her that I brought the brochures back for her and that she could come grab them when she had a spare moment. She never responded with a thank you nor did she come to collect the brochures. I'd stopped texting and calling her since the other night and after this last email to her, had stopped doing that as well.
I've seen her around the office and always smile and make conversation - always somewhat humorous and overall, quite congenial. Then out of the blue and some five days (including a weekend) after she said she'd look at the links in the email I forwarded (and not responded to the email I sent her re the portable dvd player), she finally comes back with an email - quite long and detailed with obviously a lot of effort put into it. I was surprised because I thought she wasn't going to bother responding after she didn't respond to the one about the dvd player.
So I responded to her email saying thanks and that I'd flick on to my friend but avoided asking her any questions, etc. Then the next day, as I was walking by her in the office in the morning, she smiled and said she had something to show me in a minute. Then she comes around to my cubicle and hands me a little card which she said came atop a big swarovski crystal box. I took it and read it and it was a sappy note from this other guy who used to work for her and is completely besotted with her. Only her and I know what actually transpired with this guy so I guess I was the only person she could share it with but I am struggling to understand why, after saying she wasn't ready for a relationship with me, is she sending me an email where she has very clearly made a big effort and also coming to show me that card from the other guy??
I accept she isn't ready to be in a relationship and that's no one's fault but why did she make the effort with the email - some 5 days after I stopped emailing, texting, calling, etc and then coming to show me the card?? I mean I can understand showing me the card when we were still sorta courting/seeing each other but given that she's established she's not ready, what's it to me if this other guy sends her stuff, etc??
I sent her text today on xmas - just to wish her and be my usual, humorous self and she responded with a laugh at my joke an told me what she was up to at the time and wished me a great xmas and new year.
I'm not sure where this is at or where it's headed....
Over to you.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your considered opinions. I'm wondering if I should ask her out for coffee/lunch next week just before x-mas as it would have been one week since everything was said at her house - just to find out how she's going and also to let her know that I'm cool with her and am not mad, etc.
On the night when she said whatever she needed to say, she sent me a text to ask me to text her back to let her know when I was home safe. When I got home, I replied saying I was home safe and also went on to say that I appreciated her honesty and not wanting to hurt me. I further apologised for perhaps being too pushy and moving way too fast with her and not considering what she wanted and needed. Told her that I cared for her deeply and misguided as it may be, felt that she cared for me too. I said I was now going to give her her time and space and for what it's worth, I really enjoyed spending time with her and being in her company - long text I realise!
You guys know that since then we've had one, light-hearted, somewhat humorous email exchange and nothing else. I'm moping at home and desperately fighting the urge to call or text her. So I'm wondering whether I should ask her out to lunch/coffee next week. The one thing I'd really like to say to her is "you've got my number so when or if you're ever ready to be in a relationship, get in touch." My friends think this is unnecessary and was implied by my text.
I'm just not sure of myself any more because I've fallen hard for this girl and it's been close to ten years since I've felt this way for a woman. This is a most disconcerting feeling for someone who is ultra-confident and so sure of himself.
If we do go for lunch/coffee, should I just keep it light to show her I'm ok and cool with what's happened or should I just say what I want to say and let that be the end of it. I'm planning to go into no-contact mode with her anyway, I just wonder if one last clear the air meeting would be useful.
My friends think that another meeting may do more harm than good re any future chance together - she may interpret that as me being clingy and not being able to let go and not getting the message?
Over to you guys and thanks in advance.....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 December 2009):
If she's not ready for a relationship, then she's not the one for you, and you'd be better off keeping contact to a minimum. A lot of people (men and women) have waited years for someone, and it's never happened. If she really wanted you, she'd be with you. Don't be second best. Best to move on and find someone else.
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