A
male
age
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*on Errikson
writes:The problem I have is. My wife is totally uninterested in sex and lovemaking, and has been for about 3 years now. Its to hot, its to cold, I have a headache?backache/earache whatever.We have discussed it and she assures me that it is not me.I have wined her dined her complimented her bought her stuff and still no interest. I have even suggested we go to some form of counselling, but all to no avail.I cant even get her touch me or masturbate me.I am at my wits end, 35 years of marriage. where do I go from here?Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 I hear you. Last year my wife told me "it's like sex is some party that everyone in the world got invited to but me." That made everything click into place. When we first got together there was a lot of sex, with her initiating often. Even then, though, I had the sense that there was something a bit forced, a bit of fake enthusiasm. Unfortunately I was too young to trust my gut. After we had kids she was less and less interested, until now, 33 years on, it has basically disappeared.
Like your wife, mine detests counselling. I think she's been honest with me, and that it's a "take it or leave it" situation. So I've been pondering what I want. I don't know that leaving what's been a reasonably successful marriage over this is something I could do -- certainly not be proud of.
And I think that's where you are too. Accept that she's not likely to change at this point. Evaluate how important intimacy is to you. Either stay, enjoy the good parts of your marriage, and take care of yourself as necessary. Or leave.
Not fun. Know that others feel your pain.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 It sounds like you are dealing with this in a great way and not throwing blame at your wife or going out seeking an affair. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you. If she has lost her libido fair enough but she needs to make an effort to find out why, that is why she needs to talk to someone and go to her doctor. There is only so much you can say or do but she needs to make the effort herself. If she is not willing to make an effort to find out what is going on then you need to decide if this is what you want from life.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I feel your pain. My husband is 43 and has totally lost his drive. It's been two years and we are only married for 4.
I'm 56 and past menopause but while my drive has decreased (I used to be an every day or every other day kind of girl now I think I could go 2-3 times a week but probably once a week would be fine)I still have a drive. I find in my life most of my women friends that are my age have the same problem we are married to men who have lost their drive.
Everyone thinks it's the women that lose their drive but that's not been my experience at all.
You say you can't get her to touch you or masturbate you, do you guys kiss and cuddle at all? do you hold hands? Taking her out and buying her gifts is one thing, affection without any expectations is totally another.
I have learned to accept cuddles and kisses and hand holding from my husband without putting ANY pressure on him to be sexual. I just take care of myself as needed.
I have asked him if I could take a lover (even a female one as I am bisexual) and he is not comfortable with that so I have dropped that aspect of it.
It's sad and frustrating, but it is what it is.
that being said IF your wife has NOT been to her GYN to discuss it, I would suggest that as a starting point... sometimes it's not that women lose their drive but menopause can make sex very painful for women.. we just do not have the necessary lubrication any more and even using good lube is not always enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): How old is the wife!It sounds as though she has gone off you physically but not mentally or maybe mentally as well!You can divorce her on grounds of mutual incmpatability and start again ,looking for someone who is more interested in you as a man!Perhaps you will miss your ex terribly and home comforts and you might feel you gave it all up for a quick shag!But if youve had enough of yes,no,maybe, then you will have to take the plunge and move forwards.
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male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (18 September 2016):
I love the fact that you've tried, and that you're not blaming put trying to stay positive. That's a great sign. What's happened to you happens many times to people who are over 65, and they have to make life choices.
You haven't mentioned divorce, so put any answer or thought of that out of the way of that until you've exhausted your options.
Since you've been married for over 35 years, you must have been pretty young, which means she might simply have found love making dull. As a social worker, this is common when two people married young, have been married for a long time, and both grew up in a conservative era.
No matter what, you need counselling, because that's what you've done here: asked us to council you. You need to see a marriage Councillor. If your wife does not want to go right away, you need to go by yourself first. You might just need some new ideas and techniques to spice things up, but I think this is bigger than that. Eventually, I think you'll have to sit down with her in a heart to heart way, tell her how much you till love her and are attracted to her, and that you want to make this work. Marriage counselling I think is the best way to go, but ask one to help you frame the idea of her joining you, properly. And here's the funny thing about humans. My taking the initiative to resolve the situation in a forceful way, it shows strength, which can be a real turn on to females, so it may help you from the start. Don't brag about it, though, just do it. Stay positive and don't blame, as it is very common for you two to be in this situation.
But most of all, see a marriage counselor or an adviser soon - even if it is by yourself.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 It's a cruel twist in nature for us women at this age (51-59) to lose the desire, interest in intimacy with and for our partner... Gone are the days of being; Open All Hours (remember Ronnie Barker) as it slowly fades away and goes out of business :(
Personally it sounds like a dreaded menopausal symptom that’s happening here with your wife over the last 3 years. It’s why you’re both suffering the too hot, too cold, the too whatever symptoms (excuses). IF nothing has been done to balance these fading hormones which she needs to feel and get back into business, no amount of you gggiggling is going to work.
It’d be best for you to be understanding; forgiving and even more patient than ever, as she has no choice with nature, other than to take pills (e.g. hormone replacement therapy – HRT) in this matter. Counselling of course helps if there are other issues within the marriage that need to be resolved. However counselling is immaterial if one may require hormone replacements?
Make an appointment with your Doctor; get her to come along to discuss these symptoms etc. and by all means Carry On Loving her :)
CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Suggest she see her doctor for a complete physical examination. There are now pills on the market to enhance the female libido. There may also be a problem with discomfort due to vaginal dryness; and she can speak to her gynecologist or get something over the counter. Also check any regular medications she uses for their side-effects.
When there is a total disinterest, it is either psychological or physiological. If she does nothing to please you, it may be a total disinterest in your marriage. Anytime you face your spouse and life-partner with a serious concern such as intimacy; and they refuse to make any effort to compromise to please you and save your marriage. You might want to consider if you want to remain in a marriage with that person.
If you love her enough, and she otherwise demonstrates her love for you; you may have to forgo sex. That's at your option of course. You don't have to forgo your needs because she's a cold fish. It all depends on how important sex is to your marriage.
I don't recommend bribes and compensation to your own wife for sex, sir. If she has been become that cold and distant; be sure she isn't punishing you for a long and unhappy marriage. It's hard to reward and be intimate with someone who has treated you with cruelty or disrespect. Or, if there was a past history of infidelity. Even if you were once angry and said something hurtful, that can resonate in the memory of a sensitive person for years.
She has refused counseling, and if she also refuses to see a doctor to be sure she's healthy; start looking for a divorce attorney. There just may be no love left for you.
Nothing justifies infidelity or seeking a third-party. We get all kinds of crazy suggestions from OP's hoping to seek approval for hiring prostitutes; or having people on the side. It eventually comes down to divorce anyway. Who in their right mind allows their spouse to be having sex outside the marriage? Any argument that condones that is pure bullsh*t. What's the point of a commitment and vows?
Just be friends with benefits, and have an open relationship. That's what it becomes whether you call it a marriage or not.
A marriage should be well-rounded, loving, and affectionate. When one partner loses the capacity due to age and health, that's one thing. If they are perfectly healthy and just decide to cut you off; then maybe they're the one who needs to start packing.
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female
reader, SydneySidney +, writes (18 September 2016):
Try asking how she'd feel about you having sex with someone else. If she really doesn't ever want to have sex with you ever again, she'll need to learn to be ok with this. It's not fair for her to end your sex life. So if she's not interested (which is fine), she'll need to give you permission to seek it elsewhere.
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