A
male
age
41-50,
*TC
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years now and this year was the year I was going to ask her to marry me. All she's gone on about since January / February this year is when are you going to ask me to marry you, when are we going to have babies, So I always answered with "one day" knowing that I'd booked a 5* trip away to New York this December where I was going to ask her.We've even been into tiffanies to look at engagement rings, so I know which one she wants etc etc. Anyway 2 months ago. She came back from a night out with work and woke me to tell me that she and a guy from work had kissed. We have talked about it and she says she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore, that the spark has gone etc etc but that she didn't know of any reason why this has happened. We have spent nights apart where I've been home for weekends and she's stayed over at friends houses to get space, and see what we wanted. but its not been enoughShe thought that I didn't want to marry her yet she thought I wouldn't ask for another 2 years, she thought I wanted to stay in London and live down here when she wanted to move back north eventually, and she always had her life plan of the first child by 30 and thought that I didn't want this. These where her big life plan issues that were never talked about in detail, she said that I knew she wanted these things and felt she wasn't going to get them so what is the point of us.I brought this up with her and said I was going to ask her to marry me this year. And we'd probably 1 more year in London / or travel that she talked about, then kids. She has always wanted her first child at 30, and I said with everything we wanted to do maybe this might mean she would be 31 years old not 30. She flipped out at this saying what is the point in us being together.She is now seeing this other guy, and she stays over at his house every so often.She's called me on nights out or late nights at work in tears, an absolute mess not knowing what to do. Her emotions have been up and down and if I try to talk about things then she get angry. So I don't talk about it anymore even though my emotions are up and down as well.She still sleeps in a bed with me, though there is no intimacy or touching what so ever. She has spent some time on the couch as I said I didn't want to share a bed with her after she spent the weekend away with him in Madrid on a work trip.She's written me a 15 page letter explaining how she was sorry, didn't know what she was doing, and how it had felt like the excitement, spark etc etc had gone again. I completely agree. She said that this year hadn't turned out how she had hoped.She is moving out of our apartment as she wants to get away from it all. What should I do? leave her to herself for 2-3 months she might actually find out what she is missing and come back? At least with a 2-3 month break I will be able to get my head straight and discover the old me again that she originally fell in love with and get the challenge and mystery back. And if not I'll have learnt something and be able to grow from it, and find someone who appreciates me for me.I spoke to her last night about it all and she has finally discussed it all with me.And the reason she says it has all happened is because the most important thing to her was to have a child at the age of 30. I understand this and know the reasons behind this.She says she that she feels that I've played things so that she won't have a kid at 30 and done what suits me and not her.And for that she says she can't forgive me as I knew how important it was for her to have a kid at 30.She is now saying that I'm not ready for kids, and maybe not as I'm 28 but in 2 years time when we're both 30 I would have been.So I'm thinking of things logically and she's thinking of things emotionally.So she is now with this guy for 2 months and says she see's him as being ready for kids. So they've obviously talked about these things. Can't help but think that she's doing it just to get her way.She says that "I was the one" but that she's been so hurt by this that she can't forgive me.Part of me wants it to work part of me says let her go as she has cheated.Really don't know what to do. Should I try to explain or just give up and leave her to it?
View related questions:
at work, fell in love, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Butterman  +, writes (7 October 2008):
It sounds to me like the two of you are simply not compatible any longer. There is nothing wrong with that at this point. At least you aren't going through a divorce.
I know it likely hurts and you are feeling betrayed and even alone and empty, however, it will get better. There will, be , I guarantee it, a time where this will present to you a degree of normalcy.
Until that happens, you can't force anyone to love you, settle for you or your situation. And you should not settle either.
It sounds to me like the biggest part of getting married for her is having children. That's OK for some people. To me, you seem like getting married is being in love with your spouse and spending your life with that person, which is what marriage is.
If she is accusing you of working the situation so she can't have kids, that tells me that that she, truly, deep down, does not love YOU. She loves the IDEA of playing wife and mommy.
Sadly, I think you would be better off being alone for awhile. Do what you do. Work on YOU. Be YOU. Speaking from experience, you have been given a few nibbles of love here. Someday, when you least expect it, you will get the whole meal.
Again, you avoided what likely could have a costly mistake. Having children and being a parent is something that should include careful emotional planning. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Again, you don't marry your children. They grow up and leave you. You marry your husband or wife. Children are gifts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Fact is, she's waited six years. Most women would have sat you down by now, given you a choice. She seems to have decided to just jump out of the relationship without firmly saying she want's this in life or you two aren't going to work. You can win her back, but you got too mean it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Ask her if she really wants to have a kid at 30 with someone she barely knows. I think it is a huge mistake for someone to jump into a relationship just because they want to get married. She has been with you for six years and with this other guy for two months. Sounds like she's using the other guy as a substitute for you.
I have seen this happen quite often. Someone is in a relationship for a long time, then they jump out and marry the next person that comes along. I would try to talk to her more. If you do want to marry her, maybe go ask her now if she's seeing this other guy.
Sounds like the two of you do need a break from each other, but if she's seeing someone else, she could easily end up married to someone she doesn't really care about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): There really isn't any right answer to your question.
The bottom line is 6 years is a long time to date a woman without asking her to marry you, I am surprised she waited for you as long as she did.
I don't know her side of the story only yours and what she has said to you.
From what it sounds, she thinks that you are a bit selfish, most men are...when it comes to putting a woman first especially when they have a woman who is willing to be the giver in the relationship....you have taken her for granted.
I do think the baby by 30 is an excuse, if she really wanted to make the relationship work and you told her you were going to marry her this year and give her a kid shortly, then she would have forgiven you for whatever it is that she is holding a grudge for.
Truly, she has a right to date someone else if you aren't marriage material, but she has no right to be sexually unfaithful if the two of you are together and living together...so you have some forgiving to do if that is the case.
It sounds like she has and is moving on, and the up and down emotions she is having are due to fear of loss, fear of losing you and what she has had for the last 6 years. Will she chose security over love? I doubt it. Give her her space, tell her don't let the door hit her in the ass when she leaves and then you move on....
If she comes back to you with tears of regret, if you still love her and want her back then ask her, but don't stand in the door if she wants to leave you.....don't offer her a swinging door back, let her know if she moves out, that you love her, want to marry her and have kids, but kids come on God's schedule some of the time....she may not even be able to get pregnant without some help any way....you just never know.....and that you will go on and live your own life, you aren't waiting around for her...
and then do that, live your own life.
Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 October 2008):
I think to be honest from everything you have said, it sounds like she is a bit messed up and was unhappy with things any way.
What difference does it make having a child at 30 or 31? She is not being rational.
I think you should write her a big long letter explaining everything from your point of view, and ask her back, if you want her.
The fact she's jumped into bed with this new guy says to me that this is about more than marriage and babies. I think she has some issues she needs to work through.
Do you want to be with her after all this? For better and worse and through 3 am feeds and screaming and pooey nappies??
If so then fight for her back and forgive her for her fling with this guy.
If not then write to her and explain everything and tell her you can't go back and have to move on. Then work out who is going to move out and go your own ways.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Faybelline +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Sadly, I think she has made the decision for you. Even though she may keep changing her mind saying she regrets it, she's still seeing this other guy and unwilling to compromise in terms of when she has a child; she doesn't seem to want to make it work and, if that's the case, then it's only going to cause you pain if you keep trying and sometimes we just need to knwo when to quit.If you really want to explain things to her and think there's a chance it could work again, I'd recommend writing down how you feel and what you want in a letter for her. That way she can't get angry at you or try to avoid the issue.Obviously 6 years is a long time to be with someone so it isn't as simple as just moving on and forgetting about her but, if there's no hope, then the longer she's in your life, the harder it will be for you.I think it sounds like your girlfriend has been thinking of things a lot from her perspective and being incredibly selfish; wanting the baby by 30 and unwilling to wait even a year, practically parading the fact she's seeing this other guy right in front of you and then telling you that you're the one that's hurt her.Personally I'd say you deserve better; someone who will appreciate you as much as you obviously appreciate her; you're a bigger person than most if you can forgive her for what she's put you through the last couple of months.You sound like a really decent guy and I wish you the best of luck whatever happens and whatever you do.
...............................
|
